chatty, what a great attitude.

Kidogo & Flipper, I pray the Lord heals your aching mothers'heart.

Scorpio, this is a safe place to come and be yourself, wether you are happy, sad, confused, etc. Glad to have you here!

What makes this place unique is the willingness of each member to share, reach out, comfort, support one another, without judging. While we might not have the answer, we are here for each other and we gladly pray for each other. And prayer works miracles each and every day!

Flipper, what a beautiful reflection your "River of Grief" is. Thanks for sharing your soul through it. It definitely helps us & others understand (to some extent) the way you feel.

To all my boomer sisters, I thank God for each of you, your friendship, your support and the blessing of sharing. I pray daily for you all, trusting that the Lord knows your individual needs!

May His light shine on you each day!

All of us have sufferings. I lost my mother too. And my father. and then my Nichole. I now have an empty nest and am alone, within a few months. I feel as tho I am on planet WHAT? And my dog of 15 years died also. Woe is me.

But I remember losing my Mother. So very devastating. So painful. And it was sudden. A car accident. I remember my sister, brother, and I saying that now we were orphans. And that's just what we felt - even at adulthood. Little orphans.

I also remember at the very beginning of Nichole's illness, that we found her right eye was totally blind. We thought this was devastating...at the time. Later, this was just a small problem...a very small problem. A teeny tiny problem. But still, at the time, it was horrible.

So I remember. How awful it was to lose a parent, and one eye of a child. And these were terrible things. And so they are. Truly terrible. And should be mourned as such.

Because, later, I lost Nichole, does not diminish what went before. Each grief is itself. Every grief is our own. It is true that the worst is the loss of a child, but that does not cloud the loss of a parent, a sibling, or a spouse. Anyone loved. No one should feel that their grief is less.

I compare it to this: Flipperjo knows that in North Dakota (NORTHERN North Dakota)temperatures can easily be 30 degrees below zero for the high of the day. AT these times, does it make a difference if it's 20 below? or 35 below? Not much. It still hurts. Cold is cold. Pain is pain. And we all need comfort. A warm fire, chicken soup, and someone to love us. This site has given us all.....

Thanks you to you all for your sympathy and understanding hearts in the loss of my daughter.

Searcher, you are so right - about degrees of grief AND about the 30 degrees below. I must say, we are grateful for a mild winter this year. we broke a record by not having one day below zero in the month of january! now it is getting cold, though, so guess i'll snuggle in for a few days.

on the issue of our children moving away, maybe i can shed some light on the topic from the perspective of "the kid who moved away".....

when i married in 1977 i moved to my husband's home 350 miles away from my own parents and siblings. 30 years ago, that distance seemed like lightyears and i felt like i'd been dropped on another planet. my four sib's all stayed closer to home.

i did get home a few times before baby #1 came along, but by the time i had 3 it became a pretty tough trip. we had a dairy farm and that situation didn't allow dh to travel so it was just me with the three to go see my family. even when my oldest was a baby and until the youngest graduated, i made that trip for about a week each summer because i wanted to be sure my kids knew my family.

now, 30 years after i moved here, i can assure you that my sorrow is equal or greater to that of my parents for my absence. mom and dad were great about coming out here a couple times a year until dad could no longer travel. one of my sisters made it a point to come for summer visits until the last 10 years. the others made only rare trips.

i am hurt because:

1. my kids never spent even one christmas with my family. every year i put up with dh's neurotic family and had some pretty miserable holidays while my family was having a great time together. dh always said i should take the kids and go for a christmas but it wouldn't have been good for them without him. after my daughter died, no way would we separate for christmas. only once in all these years a sister and her family came here for christmas. now my dad has died and we all scatter, sharing our own kids with their inlaws, so those times are simply lost.

2. my siblings all think the road to my house is much, much longer than the one i travel to theirs. once my kids were grown and no longer wanted to go with me, i was able to visit mom and dad more often, but alone. in the 2 years before dad died, i made MANY trips home to make sure i would never be "the one who moved away and is never there to help" and because i genuinely wanted to be there for mom and dad.

they all seem to have lost the map to my house. i love to be with my family but in the last year or so, i have begun to feel very angry toward them for their lack of effort in coming to see me. they make plenty of longer trips just for the sake of 'getting away' but the road never seems to bring them here.

my house is clean and big and i'm a great cook. i do my best to show them a good time when they are here so i don't know what the big hold-up is. we all get along and have fun when we are together.

i certainly don't regret having married my dh, i am still very much in love with him. these 30 years have certainly been a sacrifice for me, though. i have wonderful and close friends here, but i have no one here to talk to who knows me from my growing up or who knows my family. i have no one here who i can laugh and remember school days and old times with. most of our friends are old school mates of dh. when they start to talk old days at school and who lived here and where things used to be, i just tune out. it feels lonely.

so, those of you who have kids in other regions, please also remember that they are missing you, too. they are sacrificing, too. do your best to go to them and be as familiar as possible with the twists and turns of their lives where they are. they want to share themselves with you as much as you want them home.

[ February 09, 2006, 02:10 AM: Message edited by: flipperjo ]

flipper, what a wonderful post. Wow. You've given me a different perspective and I appreciate it.

I am from a family of five. Only one lives out of town. Reading your words could very likely be like reading my sister's words who lives away from all of us.

Wait, I have more to say, but need to do the morning thing of being with the kids before they leave for school...be back....

Searcher...as always...your wise words have touched my soul...

Flipper...your post has so much clarity and insight...my oldest daughter has been living North of Seattle for the past 2 years but will be moving back East in the fall...although my husband and I have been out to see she and her husband several times none of her siblings have made the trip...she hasn't said anything...but I am sure she feels hurt that none of them have made an effort to get out there...now after reading your words I am sure she feels hurt....would you mind if I copied your post and sent it to my son and other 2 daughters to read?

flipperjo: I am glad to have read your perspecive from the side of one who moved away and it touched me deeply. I am the one who began this topic because of the heartache I feel that my son, his wife and our only 3 grandchildren are 1200 miles away from us. I always knew that he made a sacrifice and I told him that he would be the only one giving everything up when he went along with his wife's wishes to move. The difference with your situation is that you moved to where your husband lived. My son moved because his in-laws were retiring there. As a matter of fact all of their children and other relatives settled there as well. Another difference is that you made a point of coming up to visit yours, no matter how difficult, at least once a year. Mine doesn't. It is nearly 4 years since he's last been home. Aside from his brother who can visit, but now rarely does for reasons I won't go into right now, there is his grandmother, who now nearing 90 cannot travel. We have been very good about visiting over the years. While we were working, we used every vacation to go, though it was never easy on us. I absolutely agree that it is a difficult trip for them to make, but there have been times when he could've and didn't. He should have factored this all in when he made the decision to move. Also, we have made suggestions that he at least come up with one kid a year. They would take turns and each would look forward to the trip. He'd get a chance to see the family and friends and we'd get a chance to have them home. Obviously, all would be better, but if it's too hard, this is an alternative. Do you know how it breaks my heart that my grandchildren have absolutely no idea of our house, and will have no memories. It may be that someday we will move down there, but we haven't been able to make that decision yet for so many factors. One thing that I believe you learned, and unfortunately my son is learning, is that the miles never get shorter. Distance is a great divider. We are all becoming so disconnected and detached. I bought a crib when they had their first child, and all the trimmings, and the first two slept in it once each and the third child has never, and is already outgrowing it. Picture the sadness I feel. No family around our tree or table at any holidays. No birthday celebrations with everyone. Well, I've said enough.

I am very thankful that I have my family close by. I was asked by one of my managers if I would be willing to relocate and I said definitely not. I know I would be miserable and since I am single, I depend on my family, including my sisters, for support and love.

I can only imagine the pain of living that far from your kids. My heart goes out to you.

I know this wouldn't replace your grandkids, but are there any families within your circle who have children you can "adopt"? At least it would give you an opportunity to express some of the love you have bottled up.

Daisygirl

nancy, copy away!

scorpio, i feel sadness for you in your son's reluctance to come home. there are always differences in every situation so i guess the old adage, "if the shoe fits" is appropriate here. i hope that someday soon your son will realize how much you are hurting and do something about it.