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#6312 - 02/27/05 01:49 AM
Re: Well, allrighty then...
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Member
Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 483
Loc: North Carolina
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....nice work if you can find it.... I keep kissing princes that turn into toads.
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#6313 - 06/03/05 12:40 PM
Re: Well, allrighty then...
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Member
Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 93
Loc: Stuttgart, Germany
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quote: Originally posted by Dianne: Here's a question for ya. When do you finally, at last, without a doubt, realize and understand: He just doesn't get it? He's brain dead? Give up? He's hopeless? You tell him what you need, want, hope for, wish for...yada...but he just kind of ignores you? I'm not talking about abuse although this could be a form of abuse...pretending to be so freaking brain dead, although he's on the genius level? I really need your input because a woman, who emailed me, is going though this and I'm confused...what's new?
He provides for her...is a nice guy (depending on what you think a nice guy is or does) but he's not fulfilling her emotionally. He ignores her requests, although they aren't like...don't hit me anymore...just pay attention to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen to what I'm doing, my project, my interests!
You are all so smart and know, well, know so much, I need your input before I respond to her emails. Meric, thank you, Gracias.
while the couple in the original post may have come to some terms, it's worth noting for those who may still be struggling as their marriages fall apart that there is another possible reason for the husband's behavior... passive-aggressive personality disorder is a very real and very destructive communication style...the man is not passive, then aggressive...he is both at the same time...it's an elusive form of communicating that flies under the radar of even the most experienced marriage counselors and often leaves the wife hostile, frustrated, and to blame... "living with the passive aggressive man" by scott wetzler adequately defines and illustrates life with this kind of man...while offering advice on how to deal with him, it's really more of a tool for identifying what's really going on...any woman living with this man and armed with a highlighter will find herself running out of ink by the middle of the book... very few woman who have been married for a significant length of time actually get wound around the axel just because he isn't paying attention...it's more likely that this is the only symptom of unhappiness that she's able to identify in concrete terms...the rest of what he does, or more specifically doesn't do (and yes, not doing is a choice, an action, and therefore it's doing something) that drives her up the wall but isn't easily identified is probably more to the core of the problem... personally, i wouldn't take my marriage to any counselor that isn't familiar with passive-aggressive personalities and didn't have experience counseling this type of person... [ June 03, 2005, 05:42 AM: Message edited by: msdiana ]
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#6315 - 06/03/05 04:58 PM
Re: Well, allrighty then...
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Member
Registered: 04/14/05
Posts: 218
Loc: Dallas, Texas
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Dotsie, I believe that many counselors struggle with their own problems and also dealing with the emotions that come from having to help fix hopelessness that they sometimes miss the human element to each story. That human element is different and not textbook. Each situation is unique and requires close scrutiny by a wise and insightful individual to really get to the root of the problems.
The worst advice I ever heard from counselors was a marriage counselor during my first marriage who in front of me told my then husband that he should NEVER tell me about his indiscrections and affairs and that in the future he should just keep these things to himself. Trust me, you can have knocked me over with a feather, I looked at the counselor and said "Let me get this straight, you are encouraging my husband to not only continue to indulge destructive behavior that further isolates him from our marriage, keeps him self centered but potentially could put my health at risk b/c of STD's and an emotional divorce?" The guy stammered around and finally quibbed back with "well, him being honest with you hurts you." I was ticked...I said "No, HIM being UNFAITHFUL hurts me. The TRUTH is liberating." and I walked out.
The worse advice I ever received from a Pastor was also in my first marriage...I was young young young...and very green in my thinking and my then husband was presenting sexual situations that would involve not keep our marital relationship just between the two of us - I asked my Pastor what I should do because I felt that this kind of behavior was wrong and I didn't want to have any part of it. He looked at me, and told me straight up that I was not a "submitted wife" and needed to do whatever my husband asked me. Wow, I left the church at this time...it was not until I met Mike that I realized how wonderful being a "submitted wife" could be and that a husband who is doing what is right Loves and does not "seek his own".
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#6317 - 06/03/05 08:36 PM
Re: Well, allrighty then...
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Member
Registered: 04/14/05
Posts: 218
Loc: Dallas, Texas
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Hopefully your nausea is from the very horrible advice I was given by so-called "professionals" and not the idea of my enjoying being a submitted wife to a husband who puts my needs before his own? I know I for one really thrive in my second marriage which is based on my meeting my husband's needs while he is meeting mine, instead of what was happening to me in my first marriage where hubby could not be faithful and thought everything in a marriage should be open and a part of our marriage, except common sense. My 2nd marriage has been blessed with some wonderful advice. I especially like the advice from my in-laws when they told us to "Enjoy each other!"
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#6319 - 06/04/05 02:48 AM
Re: Well, allrighty then...
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Member
Registered: 04/14/05
Posts: 218
Loc: Dallas, Texas
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Well, the interesting thing in the both the counselor and the Pastor were left by their wives who had affairs with other men...makes ya wonder if their opinions changed any when it was their own lives affected.
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