Hello Ladies. Please help, again.

My son has been dating a woman that has two children from a prior relationship, not marriage. He's 21. She's 27. She's pregnant for my son now. I don't like the way she's raising her own children. One is 5 and the other is 13mos.

I don't want to be the 'mean' one, but! I just happen to know what can happen to those poor children w/o guidence in their precious lives. I don't want this for my grandchild.

My problem at present is, I don't like the arrangements of this. Flat out, I resent my son for putting me in this position to HAVE to be fair. I prayed very hard about this. But, I am just adjusting to the fact that my son will have a child that he cant take care of and now I will have to deal with 2 others, including a woman that is questionable in my eyes. I don't want to or mean to sound snooty but my goodness!

She is 27, like I mentioned, but needs to come to stay with me because she lost her job and cant pay rent. Her children are not disciplined at all! I need, want and treasure my private time. On her first night here, her children stayed up until 12 midnight! Crying and whining!

I want my own grandchild to be safe and healthy is why I agreed to this. Help!!!!

Oh yeah! I forgot to add that I feel guilty about my feelings. I forgot to add that my subliminal mind told me that this is just a test...that I have the unique position of influencing a young mother that obviously needs some help. Hmmm, but I'm tired. I don't want to share me. My first is gone away and I want to concentrate on my daughter that is a senior in high school. I want her to get the proper sleep w/o unruly children crying all night.

We are exited about our new addition although we thought he should have been more selective. What is wrong? This woman even admitted getting pregnant on purpose! Not saying that my son didn't have his own obligations at all but she did tell him that she was protected. And, yes, yes. I told him that this could have been the fatal HIV/AIDS instead of a child, or both...been there.

Oh wow!!!!!! I don't envy you this position at all! You poor thing.

What would happen if you just said no to her living at your house? What would she have done if she hadn't met your son anyway? Sounds like an opportunist to me. That, and a baby machine.

I can understand your worry over this being your grandchild though. However, how did you become responsible for her situation? I fear that your life is going to become a nightmare and especially when she admits to getting pregnant by design. What is wrong with her anyway? It sounds like she was looking for a daddy for the other two and what better target than a young man who can't see the future of this nightmare?

If it were me (which it isn't) I would say no to this. I just couldn't do it. Maybe I'm selfish but I just couldn't--wouldn't do it.

Why do some of us women feel like we have to resscue the world, while others can sit back and say, "Not my problem"?

Sugaree, I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. You are the mother bear wanting t hlep your little cubs.

Questions to consider:

Where is the father of the first two children?
Where are their grandparents?
Where are her parents?
Why are you the one to have to provide?
Can you seek guidance from a minister or social worker?

It seems like you are taking the brunt of other's irresponsibility.

I appreciate your thoughts on being a good influence on this young woman and her children. That may be the right attitude to take, but if that's the case you need to guide her and give her advice that will steer her in the right direction.

How's your son holding up?
How's your daughter?
How are you?

From Dotsie
"Questions to consider:

Where is the father of the first two children?
Where are their grandparents?
Where are her parents?
Why are you the one to have to provide?
Can you seek guidance from a minister or social worker?"

The father from the first two has taken an interest in his children. He now has custody of the youngest (the one year old). My son thinks this is a good thing and that 'we' may be able to take custody of his child by her.

The woman's father claims not to have enough room for his daughter and grandchildren. The mother uses drugs. The young mother was working but was laid off during a downsizing (this I do understand since many of us are facing the employment issues, especially since 9/11). The ones with little to no skills prior to the downsizing sweaps are in these types of predicaments.

I asked my son how on earth he got involved with such a woman. He claimed that she was just something to do at the time (young men!). But, he found that this woman had been thru much with the type of parents she'd had. He met her at the college he was going to. They did have something in common beside sex, I guess.

I told you before, Dotsie, in yet another post, that my son has this save the world mentality. Well, the good that came out of that is that my son realized he belonged in the college where his family has already paved a way. If all goes well, we will be watching him play college football this season via television. I guess the young woman saw the star in him. If I were her age, I would want a young man like him too (not saying that because he's my son either, but because he is very intelligent, handsome and success bound).

As of Thursday last week, he is in another state while this woman is here with me! How dare he! I feel obligated since I do want my son to finish college, especially now that he has a child on the way. Now, if this continues, I will be supporting him in college and her in my house.

I'm not holding up well at all. When she asked me if she could stay here, she made sure that she mentioned, "....until I have the baby..." which is in December. She knows what kind of family we are. She knows that we are weak for the unborn child already. God knows I would like to think that somehow I can 'raise' her enough to be a good mother to my grandchild, but, reality is telling me something different.

She does have another job which is quite a distance from here, part-time, low pay. She really angered me this morning when she woke me up to ask if she could use my car since she was running late for public transportation. See, the morning prior, her screaming children woke me up just about the same time. I was exhausted since it was their first day here and the rules needed enforcement.

I could simply strangle my son for putting me in such a position. I work from home, plus I'm trying to finish a first novel. I need and want the silence of no interruption. This is really going to interfere with what I've planned to do a lifetime.

Do I simply walk away from this or embrace this woman and her children. Either way, I face unvinvited trouble. My heart wont let me think of my grandchild wandering in the type of world this woman is providing. My heart wont let me interrupt my daughter's life either. I am really confused. I hate the feeling of nitpicking when I simply want them to respect my things...'stop this, dont do that, NO...' all day long. It's obvious that this wont last very long. My patience is already thin.

Sugaree

Dianne, I don't think you're selfish at all! I wish and have done so many a situation, that I could have or could walk away. My son got this 'save the world' behaviour honestly. So many times I have extended a helping hand. More times than I'd like to mention, that very extended hand came back pretty burned.

But, I like to think of people as indivisuals and not judge them based on someone else's behavior.

Can you give me some of that 'step away from the situation' spirit? I make myself sick!

Sugaree,
One of the hardest things to do as parents is to watch children make major decisions that are sometimes met with bad choices. However, our children have their lives to live and their own lessons to learn, just as we've done.

You say that you want your son to finish college? It seems to me that he's made some decisions that have imperiled this, for the time being. He's going to be a father and needs to face up to the responsibility of doing so!

Plenty of people finish college at night, after working all day -- I did this, after splitting up with my husband who, by the way, never once took responsibility for our two children. He's nearing 60 now, and still seems like a child, while I think that I gained a great deal in taking on the charge of raising my children. It's true, I didn't have the traditional college experiences that by the way may be over rated. But as an older student paying her own way, I appreciated my education a lot more.

quote:

---

I asked my son how on earth he got involved with such a woman. He claimed that she was just something to do at the time (young men!).

---

What kind of an attitude is this anyway? This boy needs to grow up, and needs to do it fast. Rather than focusing on this mother, I'd say you should be dealing with your son. He needs to get a job and think about how he's going to raise the child. Yes, it's true that it seems that young people need college educations in order to get ahead. But they should take it seriously.

I think your son should come home from college and deal with what HE created. Maybe it's just me, but it sounds like he got in a fix and left Mamma to hold the bag while he goes off to pursue a college degree and play sports.

That wouldn't work with me. I raised my two children on my own, AND went to school at night. You are in a terrible situation, and if (notice I am saying IF) you think this child MAY NOT be his, then DNA can answer that for you. I had a friend in a similar situation and her son did the EXACT same thing your son has done. She was left with a pregnant woman she didn't even know and the prospects of raising a child, and she is 58. When she had experienced enough, and saw that not only was she being used, but her son as well, she forced them both to have blood test. Guess what...it wasn't his. It was bittersweet because the woman stayed until the baby was born (the test were afterwards) and by that time, everyone was attached to the baby. Sad, very sad when the Mother went on to the next boy she THOUGHT was the Daddy. Piece of work, eh?

JJ

JJ

I'm with JJ and DJ. I raised two kids alone with no help too and I got an education. If I can do it anyone can.
Does your son have a football scholarship? Why is he leaving you at home with his mate and his offspring? Sounds like he may be out for his Mother to save the world.
The Bible has answers for everything. I must have read the Scripture, "Be ye not the reason for someone to stumble" a zillion times. I always thought it meant only that I should be a goood example by helping others.
But one day after being taken advantage of by someone I was trying to be an example for, I re-read it and realized that if you give someone the 'opportunity' to take advantage of you, you have been the reason for them to stumble as much as if you had set a bad example.
I remember that when people came to me for help. Often it would be easier to just give them money or help them out, but I have to try to determine I am 'causing them to stumble' by making it possible for them to take advantage of me or if I am being a good example by helping them. ??
Doing the right thing is never easy.
smile

[ August 09, 2004, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Whoa! If DNA says it's not his will devastate me more so than my son, probably, since I am the one so far, paying the price for these two young adult's pleasure.

He claims that he's going to get a job on campus and that she can come there to live off campus when the baby is born. I agree, JJ, that he should come back or at least step his process of taking responsibility up (not joining the football team, but get a full-time job instead).

I'm calling him right now! I just cant even imagine this woman coming to my house right now. I dont want to be bothered, especially with a stranger and her unruly ill-mannered children (granted their father decides he doesn't 'feel' like being bothered today)

This sure does feel like a trap with a shoot directly to insanity.

Smile, now that makes a lot of sense too. I am helping not one, but two people take advantage of me if we look at it from the scripture's perspective. Hmmm.

Now that he's away, all the way in Louisiana, and she is here, I will need to find the courage to tell her to leave because I really don't think that my son is going to come back here. I just called and yes he did get the scholarship to play football. Now what?

Treat this situation like a business. That is how I learned to say no and mean it.

Consider that not saying no will cost you money (like salesmen, etc. who wants to put something in your store) and not saying no will only serve to benefit the other guy who is out to make a profit off you. I would say this girl/woman is taking advantage of you and using your son as the tool to do so. How much is this going to cost you...emotionally, financially, mentally, physically? I would think that it will bankrupt you in every area. You won't come out the winner on this and you know what that will make you...the loser! And you are losing to a virtual stranger. She's already establishing a pattern in YOUR home. Didn't get up in time and is borrowing your car????? I think not! Tough luck sister...call a cab. She's testing the waters right now and no doubt is thinking you are a push-over.

If your life was a business, will this situation force you to close the doors and liquidate? In your personal life, you will lose what privacy you have, have to give up your personal endeavors, stop writing, and begin entertaining people you don't even know! I don't care if she is pregnant by your son...she's taking advantage and she's doing it because she knows she can. Trust me, people like her know who they can push around and who they can't but they will always give it a try. You have to put your foot down before this gets out of control.

And, I would tell my son that he created this mess, not you, and he needs to find another way to deal with it, without relying on you for it. You could find yourself babysitting day and night for free! Not a good business venture.

No is a complete sentence. Just say it and don't back down. You don't have to defend yourself or make excuses...you just aren't going to do it and it isn't open for discussion. You have to get strong or people like this woman will walk over you for the rest of your life and you will be emotionally and physically bankrupt.

Now, go kick some major bootie!

Dianne, you're so right. Everybody is so right. Why do I feel this way if it is sooo right. The business venture analogy and going bankrupt is really the one that hits home. Not excluding the one that stated, "You son needs to get a job and handle his own situation that he created." Went something like that...anyhow.

I had just finished reading the last line of Dianne's post, "now go and kick some bootie," when she walked in an offered to buy some pizza, smiling with her belly sticking out! Oh, what timing. It was almost as if she was reading my mind as I was reading the post!

This feels so much like the behavior of a coward but it wont be that way this long if she pushes me to a boiling point, which is near.

I've been keeping 2 of my small nephews for the week. As much as I love them, I will be very happy when their mother picks them up. My daughter is gone and I was going to have LOTS of quiet time.

Ok, ok. I'll go and grow a spine.

Where the hell are this girls parents???? Your son sounds like a real loser and user. Sorry but HE has put you in this position because HE couldn't keep it zipped or use protection. I know how hard being a good mother is when it means risking being tough but if you aren't comfortable with this situation, change it...You dear lady are not responsible for the illegitimate child they created and your son the football player will never become a man if you allow him to make life altering mistakes and then just saunder away to college and leave you and this girl holding the bag.....Simple situation really, either you like it and her and her brood or not and if not show her the door OR help her get settled in a home for her type or with her own people. And don't look back. Good luck and be sure to let lover boy know that if he impregnates another girl not to bring her home to mama.....

Just encountered these posts. Zowie.

Sugar, you're getting good, straight-from-the-hip advice on many counts here.

The only thing I read I think I can disagree with is that your son "put you in this situation." No -- YOU put yourself there by agreeing to take this girl and her brood in. You didn't say no when it would've been easiest and now I think you better sit her down and speak firmly but gently about the realities.

Get numbers of shelters and single mothers homes in your region and tell her to start calling. If she doesn't, you do it. Give her a deadline. Make it days, not weeks.

You don't owe this woman your home nor your privacy nor your sanity. You can be sympathetic and kind yet firm -- you're sorry she got herself into this situation but that SHE will have to rescue herself.

Then call your son and tell him school is off for a semester while he deals with this mess he created -- not to call a child a mess. Okay, responsibility, then. Like everyone said -- plenty of people go to school evenings and weekends. Too bad about the football. He shoulda thought abut that when doinking the chick.

And urge him to insist on paternity testing NOW. If he doesn't now, even if she turns out to be pregnant with some other guy's baby, she can hold him to support once that name goes on the birth certificate. Honestly. I saw that happen to others.

If she sleeps around, she could be preganant to someone else as easily as to your son.

This is terrible trouble. I'd help her get the help she needs by putting her in touch with all the services she could use, but I wouldn't BE her help. It's amazing she'd ask for your car!! It's amazing she'd ask to move in -- especially having two other kids! She's a user, like others have pointed out.

There are alternatives. She needs to find them or you're life'll go down the tubes. You'll end up sitting her kids, like someone pointed out. You're quality time with your daughter will disappear, just like your private time and your time to write.

Sounds like every one's in accord here. How about we each write a "look, it's like this, sister" letter to her and you can print them out and hand them to her! She'll get all sorts of in-the-face reality counseling from this wise bunch of gals. Good for everyone who's supporting you in shaking this woman.

If the child does turn out to be your grandchild you can always deal with that after it's born. Try to deal with this before you're so flustered and upset that you explode. Tell her now you made a mistake letting her move in, you realize it, and she needs to make other arrangements by Saturday or you're changing the locks. Then DO it. Tell her if she doesn't have shelter by Saturday you're also calling child welfare authorities (while the locksmith is there) because although she is a big girl and can deal with living on the streets if you kick her out, the kids cannot and should not have to deal with that consequence of their mother's dismal life decision making ability.

AMEN TO THAT

and to think I thought I might be being too harsh in my answer to this situation. Glad to see everyone of us is on the same page. Sometimes theres only one answer to a problem and these posts pretty much say it all, the way it needed to be said. You have to teach this boy to accept his responsibilities, its NOT your problem unless you want it to be....

Sugar: thinking of you and wondering how things are going.

sugar, same! Please let us hear from you...

Sugaree, sometimes the posts offered here asking for advice comes with the harsh realization that we women take this stuff seriously and when one of our own (you) is suffering we give the best advice we know. Sometimes it may seem tough but believe me it's tough LOVE. You are our sister and we feel your pain. Life is so short and you have raised your own children and do not need anyone else's to raise let alone another adult. I have thought of you often and hope you have set the reversal of your problem in motion. Please let us know how you're doing. I'm sure I speak for all of us that care about you and you are in all our prayers. You are certainly not alone, been there, done that in one form or another. I lost my own son nine years ago by taking a stand against what he was doing. Yes, I have grieved for the loss and YES I would do the same thing over again because it was the right thing to do. Maybe one day he will see that and come home to his family. If not I can only hope my example made a better man from the bad boy he had become. Hugs and prayers galore.....

sugaree, please let us know how you're doing.

Sometimes women need time to digest the truth theory because it's hard to take in. She'll be fine when the time is right for her. She'll do the correct thing for her.

Sugaree,
Most of us learned the hard way. How do you think we became so wise...! Pain is a powerful teacher.
I don't envy you your situation. You have received some excellent advice. Now you just need to implement it. (Isn't it easy for me to tell you that!) I have had to use tough love with my younger brother in the past and tell him that helping him wasn't helping him. Made my family's life much easier and made him grow up.
Love to you, dear Shugee,
Lala

Sugaree, life's interesting, isn't it? How wise of you to have put 2 and 2 together and figured out why you have the need to do for her what others did for you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Here's a question for you to consider:

How do you expect things to be in a month, 3 months, 9 months, a year?

Do you dare consider this. Perhaps this will help you make a decision?

You are in my thoughts and prayers...

I'm glad you chose to stick with us. We're only trying to help!

Sugaree, let me sum up what you've told us:

1. a kindly woman took you into her home to get you out of an abusive situation.
2. an unkindly woman is manipulating you to take her into your home so she can abuse you.

Stop trying to find parallels where there aren't any. If you let this woman stay, then your actions are a slap in the face to the woman who years ago took you in. She cared enough about you to remove you from an abusive situation; you care so little about yourself that you're bringing the abuse back in.

You're not giving back; you're going backwards.

Dear Sugaree:
One of the things my husband and I have made clear to our three sons is: If you get a girl pregnant you better be ready take full responsibility !!!

Thou it is sometimes "easier said than done" your son & this girl need to step up to the plate instead of being a burden to you. It is up to you whether they ABUSE YOU or not!

Where I grew up they say (and I'm translating here...) " some mistake kindness for foolishness". Some see the great & kind heart you have and TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

You might do a greater good to them both by helping them take responsibility for their actions. In the long run, your son and maybe both, might even thank you for it!

I pray that this helps in some way!!!

You can always help them out without having to be responsible for them.

When we have more than one kid... what we put up with one, we will have to put up with the next one too By setting an example now with this one, you will ensure that the next time around they will think twice!

Hope this helps. Hugs!

[ August 17, 2004, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: Songbird ]

Sug: You were a young woman. This gal isn't and doesn't seem to understand what birth control is. So, how are you responsible for her?

People know who they can use. I know who I could use and so do you. Those who are afraid to say the word no and always give in. I also know how hard it is to learn how to be strong and send someone on their way but I would send her to your son's way and tell him to find another solution for this mess because you aren't to blame so you can't be the solution.

You will feel guilty. You will be tempted to back down. But, get on the phone and tell your son to get his lily white you know what to your house and pick up his baggage that he dumped in your lap. Make him do the dirty work because he created this mess. He is not an innocent victim in this and neither is she. YOU, my dear, are the victim and the one being used. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. If she got pregnant willingly, maybe she has some lessons in life she needs to learn and you being nice and rescuing her will only stall those lessons, which is not doing her a favor.

It's hard but sometimes the hardest thing to do is also the best thing to do.

Sugaree,
I agree with Songbird. Some folks do "mistake kindness for foolishness."

And being nice is not always being kind. Niceness is sooo much easier than being kind. It is not kind to either yourself or the other person to allow them abuse you. It is much easier to be nice than to be kind.

Be kind to yourself and to your son and this woman by standing up for your rights. Then move on.

If you enable someone to abuse you, you are sinning against two of God's children. Yourself and the abuser.
Children are unable to defend themselves. You are a woman. Defend yourself.
smile

Hello all and thanks for your input, again.

The update on this stinky sticky situation is that I still never mustered up the nerves to tell her to leave. But, things do work out.

She overheard me telling my son that is living with a relative while he awaits an opening in the dormitory, to get up and don't be a burden. I was telling him that he's not anyone's responsibity and all of that good stuff. Meanwhile, I was boiling about the home situation that 'I let' him create for me with 'his' extra borders.

She must've felt the vibe, or could tell that I was getting ready to tell her to leave. She told me that she is going to go somewhere else.

She's packing now. I feel sad for her. It is obvious that she does not understand 'adulthood.' Well, obviously, since she has three children out of wedlock, she will have to learn the hard way.

Please keep this young lady in prayer.

Sheree

Sugaree, I'm glad things had a way of working themselves out. Do you know who she's going with? Has your son remained involved?

I think it's exciting that your son will be playing football for college. Is it one of the Division I schools?

He's blessed to be with your family. What a great opportunity for him. I hope he realizes it.

Well, that didn't work. The girl's mother is a drug user (crack cocaine) and she certainly plays the part well. The girl's mother gentleman suitor is a pedophile. My son told me this man's name. I looked him up, and sure enough. Of course, no one can tell this woman WHO she can entertain in her own home, but oh my dear God, by the Grace of God, there goes me.

I thanked God so much that He spared me and my children and anyone else that I know of personally, this delima. Since the woman staying with me has a five year old, my heart wouldn't let me kick her to her mother's sorry curve. Instead, I stuck my neck out a bit further, talked to my own landlord to see if he has a cheap rental. He does. How she will pay for it will be between her and her God.

Again, let up pray because by the good graces of God, there goes us too.

Boy do you have your hands full. I continue to pray for this situation and your involvement. It saddens me to think this gal and your son ar e bringing a new, helpless baby into this situation. What's going on with your son?

Once again my mothers saying is relavant here:
WHEN IT RAINS....IT POURS!

Good question Dotsie, what is with your son and how is it he has suddenly dissapeared from this equasion? Whats he going to do to help this girl out thats carrying his child? Why does it always seem to fall to the girl when this kind of thing happens? Do some women teach their sons (no responsibility) and then wonder why some men are such worthless asses? If she needs to rent an apartment he should either pay for it or move her closer to him so they can work things out together. Remember what he is and does now will be who he is and will be later in his life, scary huh?? Doesn't have to be.

Which brings up another question...what about your grandchild? Is your son sure it's his child? I'm such a softie with my grandkids, I'd end up adopting the baby, which brings up all kinds of nightmares but it seems obvious that this poor woman/girl isn't in a position to raise any children and somebody needs to have a serious talk with her about birth control. Maybe she gets her attention being pregnant...sadly. Sugar, this is such a sad situation.