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#70834 - 08/09/04 06:49 AM Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Hello Ladies. Please help, again. [Eek!]

My son has been dating a woman that has two children from a prior relationship, not marriage. He's 21. She's 27. She's pregnant for my son now. I don't like the way she's raising her own children. One is 5 and the other is 13mos.

I don't want to be the 'mean' one, but! I just happen to know what can happen to those poor children w/o guidence in their precious lives. I don't want this for my grandchild.

My problem at present is, I don't like the arrangements of this. Flat out, I resent my son for putting me in this position to HAVE to be fair. I prayed very hard about this. But, I am just adjusting to the fact that my son will have a child that he cant take care of and now I will have to deal with 2 others, including a woman that is questionable in my eyes. I don't want to or mean to sound snooty but my goodness!

She is 27, like I mentioned, but needs to come to stay with me because she lost her job and cant pay rent. Her children are not disciplined at all! I need, want and treasure my private time. On her first night here, her children stayed up until 12 midnight! Crying and whining!

I want my own grandchild to be safe and healthy is why I agreed to this. Help!!!!

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#70835 - 08/09/04 06:58 AM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
[Confused] Oh yeah! I forgot to add that I feel guilty about my feelings. I forgot to add that my subliminal mind told me that this is just a test...that I have the unique position of influencing a young mother that obviously needs some help. Hmmm, but I'm tired. I don't want to share me. My first is gone away and I want to concentrate on my daughter that is a senior in high school. I want her to get the proper sleep w/o unruly children crying all night.

We are exited about our new addition although we thought he should have been more selective. What is wrong? This woman even admitted getting pregnant on purpose! Not saying that my son didn't have his own obligations at all but she did tell him that she was protected. And, yes, yes. I told him that this could have been the fatal HIV/AIDS instead of a child, or both...been there.

[Eek!] [Eek!] [Eek!] [Eek!] [Confused]

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#70836 - 08/09/04 05:20 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Oh wow!!!!!! [Eek!] I don't envy you this position at all! You poor thing.

What would happen if you just said no to her living at your house? What would she have done if she hadn't met your son anyway? Sounds like an opportunist to me. That, and a baby machine.

I can understand your worry over this being your grandchild though. However, how did you become responsible for her situation? I fear that your life is going to become a nightmare and especially when she admits to getting pregnant by design. What is wrong with her anyway? It sounds like she was looking for a daddy for the other two and what better target than a young man who can't see the future of this nightmare?

If it were me (which it isn't) I would say no to this. I just couldn't do it. Maybe I'm selfish but I just couldn't--wouldn't do it.

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#70837 - 08/09/04 05:39 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Why do some of us women feel like we have to resscue the world, while others can sit back and say, "Not my problem"?

Sugaree, I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. You are the mother bear wanting t hlep your little cubs.

Questions to consider:

Where is the father of the first two children?
Where are their grandparents?
Where are her parents?
Why are you the one to have to provide?
Can you seek guidance from a minister or social worker?

It seems like you are taking the brunt of other's irresponsibility.

I appreciate your thoughts on being a good influence on this young woman and her children. That may be the right attitude to take, but if that's the case you need to guide her and give her advice that will steer her in the right direction.

How's your son holding up?
How's your daughter?
How are you?

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#70838 - 08/09/04 09:56 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
From Dotsie
"Questions to consider:

Where is the father of the first two children?
Where are their grandparents?
Where are her parents?
Why are you the one to have to provide?
Can you seek guidance from a minister or social worker?"

The father from the first two has taken an interest in his children. He now has custody of the youngest (the one year old). My son thinks this is a good thing and that 'we' may be able to take custody of his child by her.

The woman's father claims not to have enough room for his daughter and grandchildren. The mother uses drugs. The young mother was working but was laid off during a downsizing (this I do understand since many of us are facing the employment issues, especially since 9/11). The ones with little to no skills prior to the downsizing sweaps are in these types of predicaments.

I asked my son how on earth he got involved with such a woman. He claimed that she was just something to do at the time (young men!). But, he found that this woman had been thru much with the type of parents she'd had. He met her at the college he was going to. They did have something in common beside sex, I guess.

I told you before, Dotsie, in yet another post, that my son has this save the world mentality. Well, the good that came out of that is that my son realized he belonged in the college where his family has already paved a way. If all goes well, we will be watching him play college football this season via television. I guess the young woman saw the star in him. If I were her age, I would want a young man like him too (not saying that because he's my son either, but because he is very intelligent, handsome and success bound).

As of Thursday last week, he is in another state while this woman is here with me! How dare he! I feel obligated since I do want my son to finish college, especially now that he has a child on the way. Now, if this continues, I will be supporting him in college and her in my house.

I'm not holding up well at all. When she asked me if she could stay here, she made sure that she mentioned, "....until I have the baby..." which is in December. She knows what kind of family we are. She knows that we are weak for the unborn child already. God knows I would like to think that somehow I can 'raise' her enough to be a good mother to my grandchild, but, reality is telling me something different.

She does have another job which is quite a distance from here, part-time, low pay. She really angered me this morning when she woke me up to ask if she could use my car since she was running late for public transportation. See, the morning prior, her screaming children woke me up just about the same time. I was exhausted since it was their first day here and the rules needed enforcement.

I could simply strangle my son for putting me in such a position. I work from home, plus I'm trying to finish a first novel. I need and want the silence of no interruption. This is really going to interfere with what I've planned to do a lifetime.

Do I simply walk away from this or embrace this woman and her children. Either way, I face unvinvited trouble. My heart wont let me think of my grandchild wandering in the type of world this woman is providing. My heart wont let me interrupt my daughter's life either. I am really confused. I hate the feeling of nitpicking when I simply want them to respect my things...'stop this, dont do that, NO...' all day long. It's obvious that this wont last very long. My patience is already thin.

Sugaree [Confused] [Eek!] [Mad]

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#70839 - 08/09/04 10:00 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Dianne, I don't think you're selfish at all! I wish and have done so many a situation, that I could have or could walk away. My son got this 'save the world' behaviour honestly. So many times I have extended a helping hand. More times than I'd like to mention, that very extended hand came back pretty burned.

But, I like to think of people as indivisuals and not judge them based on someone else's behavior.

Can you give me some of that 'step away from the situation' spirit? I make myself sick! [Embarrassed]

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#70840 - 08/09/04 10:27 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
DJ Offline
Member

Registered: 11/22/02
Posts: 1149
Loc: Ohio
Sugaree,
One of the hardest things to do as parents is to watch children make major decisions that are sometimes met with bad choices. However, our children have their lives to live and their own lessons to learn, just as we've done.

You say that you want your son to finish college? It seems to me that he's made some decisions that have imperiled this, for the time being. He's going to be a father and needs to face up to the responsibility of doing so!

Plenty of people finish college at night, after working all day -- I did this, after splitting up with my husband who, by the way, never once took responsibility for our two children. He's nearing 60 now, and still seems like a child, while I think that I gained a great deal in taking on the charge of raising my children. It's true, I didn't have the traditional college experiences that by the way may be over rated. But as an older student paying her own way, I appreciated my education a lot more.

quote:
I asked my son how on earth he got involved with such a woman. He claimed that she was just something to do at the time (young men!).
What kind of an attitude is this anyway? This boy needs to grow up, and needs to do it fast. Rather than focusing on this mother, I'd say you should be dealing with your son. He needs to get a job and think about how he's going to raise the child. Yes, it's true that it seems that young people need college educations in order to get ahead. But they should take it seriously.

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#70841 - 08/09/04 10:32 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
I think your son should come home from college and deal with what HE created. Maybe it's just me, but it sounds like he got in a fix and left Mamma to hold the bag while he goes off to pursue a college degree and play sports.

That wouldn't work with me. I raised my two children on my own, AND went to school at night. You are in a terrible situation, and if (notice I am saying IF) you think this child MAY NOT be his, then DNA can answer that for you. I had a friend in a similar situation and her son did the EXACT same thing your son has done. She was left with a pregnant woman she didn't even know and the prospects of raising a child, and she is 58. When she had experienced enough, and saw that not only was she being used, but her son as well, she forced them both to have blood test. Guess what...it wasn't his. It was bittersweet because the woman stayed until the baby was born (the test were afterwards) and by that time, everyone was attached to the baby. Sad, very sad when the Mother went on to the next boy she THOUGHT was the Daddy. Piece of work, eh?

JJ

JJ

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#70842 - 08/09/04 11:13 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
I'm with JJ and DJ. I raised two kids alone with no help too and I got an education. If I can do it anyone can.
Does your son have a football scholarship? Why is he leaving you at home with his mate and his offspring? Sounds like he may be out for his Mother to save the world.
The Bible has answers for everything. I must have read the Scripture, "Be ye not the reason for someone to stumble" a zillion times. I always thought it meant only that I should be a goood example by helping others.
But one day after being taken advantage of by someone I was trying to be an example for, I re-read it and realized that if you give someone the 'opportunity' to take advantage of you, you have been the reason for them to stumble as much as if you had set a bad example.
I remember that when people came to me for help. Often it would be easier to just give them money or help them out, but I have to try to determine I am 'causing them to stumble' by making it possible for them to take advantage of me or if I am being a good example by helping them. ??
Doing the right thing is never easy.
smile

[ August 09, 2004, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

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#70843 - 08/09/04 11:20 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Whoa! If DNA says it's not his will devastate me more so than my son, probably, since I am the one so far, paying the price for these two young adult's pleasure.

He claims that he's going to get a job on campus and that she can come there to live off campus when the baby is born. I agree, JJ, that he should come back or at least step his process of taking responsibility up (not joining the football team, but get a full-time job instead).

I'm calling him right now! I just cant even imagine this woman coming to my house right now. I dont want to be bothered, especially with a stranger and her unruly ill-mannered children (granted their father decides he doesn't 'feel' like being bothered today)

This sure does feel like a trap with a shoot directly to insanity. [Eek!] [Confused] [Mad]

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