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#70844 - 08/09/04 11:25 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Smile, now that makes a lot of sense too. I am helping not one, but two people take advantage of me if we look at it from the scripture's perspective. Hmmm.

Now that he's away, all the way in Louisiana, and she is here, I will need to find the courage to tell her to leave because I really don't think that my son is going to come back here. I just called and yes he did get the scholarship to play football. Now what? [Eek!] [Mad] [Confused]

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#70845 - 08/10/04 01:39 AM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Treat this situation like a business. That is how I learned to say no and mean it.

Consider that not saying no will cost you money (like salesmen, etc. who wants to put something in your store) and not saying no will only serve to benefit the other guy who is out to make a profit off you. I would say this girl/woman is taking advantage of you and using your son as the tool to do so. How much is this going to cost you...emotionally, financially, mentally, physically? I would think that it will bankrupt you in every area. You won't come out the winner on this and you know what that will make you...the loser! And you are losing to a virtual stranger. She's already establishing a pattern in YOUR home. Didn't get up in time and is borrowing your car????? I think not! Tough luck sister...call a cab. She's testing the waters right now and no doubt is thinking you are a push-over.

If your life was a business, will this situation force you to close the doors and liquidate? In your personal life, you will lose what privacy you have, have to give up your personal endeavors, stop writing, and begin entertaining people you don't even know! I don't care if she is pregnant by your son...she's taking advantage and she's doing it because she knows she can. Trust me, people like her know who they can push around and who they can't but they will always give it a try. You have to put your foot down before this gets out of control.

And, I would tell my son that he created this mess, not you, and he needs to find another way to deal with it, without relying on you for it. You could find yourself babysitting day and night for free! Not a good business venture.

No is a complete sentence. Just say it and don't back down. You don't have to defend yourself or make excuses...you just aren't going to do it and it isn't open for discussion. You have to get strong or people like this woman will walk over you for the rest of your life and you will be emotionally and physically bankrupt.

Now, go kick some major bootie! [Big Grin]

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#70846 - 08/10/04 02:38 AM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Dianne, you're so right. Everybody is so right. Why do I feel this way if it is sooo right. The business venture analogy and going bankrupt is really the one that hits home. Not excluding the one that stated, "You son needs to get a job and handle his own situation that he created." Went something like that...anyhow.

I had just finished reading the last line of Dianne's post, "now go and kick some bootie," when she walked in an offered to buy some pizza, smiling with her belly sticking out! Oh, what timing. It was almost as if she was reading my mind as I was reading the post!

This feels so much like the behavior of a coward but it wont be that way this long if she pushes me to a boiling point, which is near.

I've been keeping 2 of my small nephews for the week. As much as I love them, I will be very happy when their mother picks them up. My daughter is gone and I was going to have LOTS of quiet time.

Ok, ok. I'll go and grow a spine. [Eek!]

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#70847 - 08/10/04 07:01 AM Re: Step Grandparenting
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Where the hell are this girls parents???? Your son sounds like a real loser and user. Sorry but HE has put you in this position because HE couldn't keep it zipped or use protection. I know how hard being a good mother is when it means risking being tough but if you aren't comfortable with this situation, change it...You dear lady are not responsible for the illegitimate child they created and your son the football player will never become a man if you allow him to make life altering mistakes and then just saunder away to college and leave you and this girl holding the bag.....Simple situation really, either you like it and her and her brood or not and if not show her the door OR help her get settled in a home for her type or with her own people. And don't look back. Good luck and be sure to let lover boy know that if he impregnates another girl not to bring her home to mama..... [Mad]

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#70848 - 08/10/04 11:29 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
garrie keyman Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/03
Posts: 101
Loc: Lititz, PA
Just encountered these posts. Zowie.

Sugar, you're getting good, straight-from-the-hip advice on many counts here.

The only thing I read I think I can disagree with is that your son "put you in this situation." No -- YOU put yourself there by agreeing to take this girl and her brood in. You didn't say no when it would've been easiest and now I think you better sit her down and speak firmly but gently about the realities.

Get numbers of shelters and single mothers homes in your region and tell her to start calling. If she doesn't, you do it. Give her a deadline. Make it days, not weeks.

You don't owe this woman your home nor your privacy nor your sanity. You can be sympathetic and kind yet firm -- you're sorry she got herself into this situation but that SHE will have to rescue herself.

Then call your son and tell him school is off for a semester while he deals with this mess he created -- not to call a child a mess. Okay, responsibility, then. Like everyone said -- plenty of people go to school evenings and weekends. Too bad about the football. He shoulda thought abut that when doinking the chick.

And urge him to insist on paternity testing NOW. If he doesn't now, even if she turns out to be pregnant with some other guy's baby, she can hold him to support once that name goes on the birth certificate. Honestly. I saw that happen to others.

If she sleeps around, she could be preganant to someone else as easily as to your son.

This is terrible trouble. I'd help her get the help she needs by putting her in touch with all the services she could use, but I wouldn't BE her help. It's amazing she'd ask for your car!! It's amazing she'd ask to move in -- especially having two other kids! She's a user, like others have pointed out.

There are alternatives. She needs to find them or you're life'll go down the tubes. You'll end up sitting her kids, like someone pointed out. You're quality time with your daughter will disappear, just like your private time and your time to write.

Sounds like every one's in accord here. How about we each write a "look, it's like this, sister" letter to her and you can print them out and hand them to her! She'll get all sorts of in-the-face reality counseling from this wise bunch of gals. Good for everyone who's supporting you in shaking this woman.

If the child does turn out to be your grandchild you can always deal with that after it's born. Try to deal with this before you're so flustered and upset that you explode. Tell her now you made a mistake letting her move in, you realize it, and she needs to make other arrangements by Saturday or you're changing the locks. Then DO it. Tell her if she doesn't have shelter by Saturday you're also calling child welfare authorities (while the locksmith is there) because although she is a big girl and can deal with living on the streets if you kick her out, the kids cannot and should not have to deal with that consequence of their mother's dismal life decision making ability.

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#70849 - 08/11/04 02:45 AM Re: Step Grandparenting
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
AMEN TO THAT

and to think I thought I might be being too harsh in my answer to this situation. Glad to see everyone of us is on the same page. Sometimes theres only one answer to a problem and these posts pretty much say it all, the way it needed to be said. You have to teach this boy to accept his responsibilities, its NOT your problem unless you want it to be.... [Embarrassed]

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#70850 - 08/14/04 07:18 AM Re: Step Grandparenting
garrie keyman Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/03
Posts: 101
Loc: Lititz, PA
Sugar: thinking of you and wondering how things are going.

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#70851 - 08/13/04 10:17 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
sugar, same! Please let us hear from you...

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#70852 - 08/13/04 10:45 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Sugaree, sometimes the posts offered here asking for advice comes with the harsh realization that we women take this stuff seriously and when one of our own (you) is suffering we give the best advice we know. Sometimes it may seem tough but believe me it's tough LOVE. You are our sister and we feel your pain. Life is so short and you have raised your own children and do not need anyone else's to raise let alone another adult. I have thought of you often and hope you have set the reversal of your problem in motion. Please let us know how you're doing. I'm sure I speak for all of us that care about you and you are in all our prayers. You are certainly not alone, been there, done that in one form or another. I lost my own son nine years ago by taking a stand against what he was doing. Yes, I have grieved for the loss and YES I would do the same thing over again because it was the right thing to do. Maybe one day he will see that and come home to his family. If not I can only hope my example made a better man from the bad boy he had become. Hugs and prayers galore.....

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#70853 - 08/17/04 07:47 AM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
sugaree, please let us know how you're doing.

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