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#70854 - 08/16/04 08:11 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Sometimes women need time to digest the truth theory because it's hard to take in. She'll be fine when the time is right for her. She'll do the correct thing for her.

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#70855 - 08/17/04 04:50 AM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
quote:
Originally posted by chatty lady:
Sugaree, sometimes the posts offered here asking for advice comes with the harsh realization that we women take this stuff seriously and when one of our own (you) is suffering we give the best advice we know......

Chatty, and everyone else that gave such blatant and brutal truths, I'm back. I've ignored the advice of the wise against my own better judgment and suffering for it.

I didn't want to come back with more because I didnt take the wise advice. I let her continue to stay here and now I guess I'll have to SUFFER the consequences until I have had enough (guess I'd better go downstairs and put them out now cause I have).

Someone, I think it was Chatty, said that next my 'guest' will be asking if I can sit for her children, after she'd asked to use my car. Well, that educated guess came to life very shortly afterwards. I was able to give a firm NO to that. Why put a child through such emotional stress? More than likely I would have been very short and non-responsive. Not to say that I would have abused her, but I know personally that children can feel vibes.

"Emotional Update"
In short, I feel this way about letting this woman stay with me because someone took me in when my own mother was abusive. (it dawned on me as I wrote this post that i was a child at the time) Anyhow, the lady took me into her home and opened it so that I was made to feel comfortable. (that same beholding feeling is the cause for me marrying her abusive son).

Now, what I feel is that someone extended a hand to me and this should be my way of giving back. I was sixteen, she is 25 with two children, yeah, I know. Whew! I guess I'm back at the start line here. Every since then, I've always made it my business to do whatever to keep a roof over my head. I guess she needs to learn this lesson too. I think Smile said that giving to certain people will only hurt them.

Why do I have to learn the hard way? [Eek!]

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#70856 - 08/17/04 07:48 AM Re: Step Grandparenting
lalapaloosa Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/04
Posts: 223
Loc: Winters, California
Sugaree,
Most of us learned the hard way. How do you think we became so wise...! [Big Grin] Pain is a powerful teacher.
I don't envy you your situation. You have received some excellent advice. Now you just need to implement it. (Isn't it easy for me to tell you that!) I have had to use tough love with my younger brother in the past and tell him that helping him wasn't helping him. Made my family's life much easier and made him grow up.
Love to you, dear Shugee,
Lala

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#70857 - 08/17/04 06:23 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Sugaree, life's interesting, isn't it? How wise of you to have put 2 and 2 together and figured out why you have the need to do for her what others did for you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Here's a question for you to consider:

How do you expect things to be in a month, 3 months, 9 months, a year?

Do you dare consider this. Perhaps this will help you make a decision?

You are in my thoughts and prayers...

I'm glad you chose to stick with us. We're only trying to help!

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#70858 - 08/17/04 08:19 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Sugaree, let me sum up what you've told us:

1. a kindly woman took you into her home to get you out of an abusive situation.
2. an unkindly woman is manipulating you to take her into your home so she can abuse you.

Stop trying to find parallels where there aren't any. If you let this woman stay, then your actions are a slap in the face to the woman who years ago took you in. She cared enough about you to remove you from an abusive situation; you care so little about yourself that you're bringing the abuse back in.

You're not giving back; you're going backwards.

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#70859 - 08/17/04 08:57 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
Songbird Offline
Member

Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 2830
Loc: Massachusetts, USA
Dear Sugaree:
One of the things my husband and I have made clear to our three sons is: If you get a girl pregnant you better be ready take full responsibility [Eek!] !!!

Thou it is sometimes "easier said than done" your son & this girl need to step up to the plate instead of being a burden to you. It is up to you whether they ABUSE YOU or not!

Where I grew up they say (and I'm translating here...) " some mistake kindness for foolishness". [Frown] Some see the great & kind heart you have and TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

[Smile] You might do a greater good to them both by helping them take responsibility for their actions. In the long run, your son and maybe both, might even thank you for it!

I pray that this helps in some way!!!

You can always help them out without having to be responsible for them.

When we have more than one kid... what we put up with one, we will have to put up with the next one too [Eek!] [Roll Eyes] By setting an example now with this one, you will ensure that the next time around they will think twice!

Hope this helps. Hugs!

[ August 17, 2004, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: Songbird ]

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#70860 - 08/18/04 01:51 AM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Sug: You were a young woman. This gal isn't and doesn't seem to understand what birth control is. So, how are you responsible for her?

People know who they can use. I know who I could use and so do you. Those who are afraid to say the word no and always give in. I also know how hard it is to learn how to be strong and send someone on their way but I would send her to your son's way and tell him to find another solution for this mess because you aren't to blame so you can't be the solution.

You will feel guilty. You will be tempted to back down. But, get on the phone and tell your son to get his lily white you know what to your house and pick up his baggage that he dumped in your lap. Make him do the dirty work because he created this mess. He is not an innocent victim in this and neither is she. YOU, my dear, are the victim and the one being used. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. If she got pregnant willingly, maybe she has some lessons in life she needs to learn and you being nice and rescuing her will only stall those lessons, which is not doing her a favor.

It's hard but sometimes the hardest thing to do is also the best thing to do.

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#70861 - 08/18/04 07:47 AM Re: Step Grandparenting
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Sugaree,
I agree with Songbird. Some folks do "mistake kindness for foolishness."

And being nice is not always being kind. Niceness is sooo much easier than being kind. It is not kind to either yourself or the other person to allow them abuse you. It is much easier to be nice than to be kind.

Be kind to yourself and to your son and this woman by standing up for your rights. Then move on.

If you enable someone to abuse you, you are sinning against two of God's children. Yourself and the abuser.
Children are unable to defend themselves. You are a woman. Defend yourself.
smile

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#70862 - 08/22/04 10:28 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Hello all and thanks for your input, again.

The update on this stinky sticky situation is that I still never mustered up the nerves to tell her to leave. But, things do work out.

She overheard me telling my son that is living with a relative while he awaits an opening in the dormitory, to get up and don't be a burden. I was telling him that he's not anyone's responsibity and all of that good stuff. Meanwhile, I was boiling about the home situation that 'I let' him create for me with 'his' extra borders.

She must've felt the vibe, or could tell that I was getting ready to tell her to leave. She told me that she is going to go somewhere else.

She's packing now. I feel sad for her. It is obvious that she does not understand 'adulthood.' Well, obviously, since she has three children out of wedlock, she will have to learn the hard way.

Please keep this young lady in prayer.

Sheree

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#70863 - 08/23/04 03:31 PM Re: Step Grandparenting
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Sugaree, I'm glad things had a way of working themselves out. Do you know who she's going with? Has your son remained involved?

I think it's exciting that your son will be playing football for college. Is it one of the Division I schools?

He's blessed to be with your family. What a great opportunity for him. I hope he realizes it.

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