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#71077 - 07/05/05 08:32 PM Re: 25 doing on 12
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
I read that it often takes five years for healthy new relationships to form within marriages at midlife. I think that's a long time. Don't you?

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#71078 - 07/05/05 09:33 PM Re: 25 doing on 12
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Yes, especially when you are part of the couple that is experiencing it!

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#71079 - 07/06/05 04:03 AM Re: 25 doing on 12
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
I just thought about something. I never had to cope with being a stepmom but was the mom whose son was the stepson and whose stepfathers attitude towards him changed when I gave birth to his and my son. As my second son grew my ex became more beligerant to his stepson. This went on for years. When my son was 17 he was also extremely buff and strong and they actually came to blows and I had a choice to make. I chose my son who loved his stepdad and never did one thing to bring on his hatred. I may have been hasty but felt I had no choice...sometimes thats the way it is. [Frown]

[ July 05, 2005, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

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#71080 - 07/06/05 10:08 PM Re: 25 doing on 12
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
This whole issue started because my husband told his son (G) that the tractor, which G damaged, would not be going back to him...G puffed up and was already mad by the time I said anything...and what I did say to him was not said in a negative or derrogative manner. I've my my own sons upset with me and we went through a time for about a year...and it was around the same age as G is now. Maybe it's a growing up thing some kids have to go through...but, Larry told me that G had already been defiant when it came to doing waht he was told...soooooooooooooo I can take some peace in kowing that it's not just the step-parent attitude...that it's probably G being G...his father and I put our foot down about what G did and now G's pouting and thinking he's punishing us by walking away...G's wife, who isn't helping at all, is even worse. She was brought up very spoiled and her attitude is that she's a 21st century wife and if a husband wants something done he can bloody well do it himself...she keeps her house like a pig sty, G told his father they haven't had sex in over 3 months and could see divorce in his future. I'd seen G's wife take an attitude with him but never with me until I tried to talk to her about this tractor incident...her true colors came out at me and it was pretty ugly. I've decided that if this is what we can expect from them then we're better off with them not being around. Until they grow up...

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#71081 - 07/06/05 10:31 PM Re: 25 doing on 12
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Everything can be running as smooth as silk and then, you use the dreaded word, NO! It can bring out the ugliness in people.

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#71082 - 07/07/05 12:28 AM Re: 25 doing on 12
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Or even worse..."you're responsible." That seemed to be what pushed G over the edge with me. They fight so hard wanting to be adults yet when it comes down to them behaving like adults, sometimes they truly miss the mark...and blame us for it. You can't reason with a child's mentality in an adult.
Larry told me that he believed G would have come around already if M (his wife) wasn't involved. We know M wear the pants in their family. I reminded Larry that M wasn't anywhere around when G jumped in my case about the tractor and he was equally as rude without M being present...sometimes we don't want to believe the worst in our kids and wish their behavior on someone else...but, Larry truly understands what's going on and as tender-hearted and caring as he is, he, too, has his limitations when it comes to rejection. He nor I did anything to deserve any of this...it's quite rediculous when you think about it, really. All very childish...but, Larry and I are leaving them alone...hopefully, they will come to their senses sooner or later. If not..oh, well.

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#71083 - 07/07/05 01:29 AM Re: 25 doing on 12
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Dianne, isn't that the truth?

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#71084 - 07/07/05 01:51 AM Re: 25 doing on 12
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Amen Sister! [Smile]

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#71085 - 07/15/05 08:25 AM Re: 25 doing on 12
DallasGal Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/05
Posts: 218
Loc: Dallas, Texas
Dotsie - I think 5 years is a conservative estimate on a blended family coming to a point of working "function". I think the older the children are the more they struggle with wanting "control" mom/dad, especially if they have had a topsy-turvy live to date and are needing some sort of stability and are afraid any change will just cause "the sky to fall" an the same time the rug is being pulled out from under them.

It gets more difficult with different scenarios. In Dee's case - she is going uphill both ways in a snow storm - as a stepmom. The kid's miss their mom - no matter what age they are - they will never have that relationship and will be tempted for a long time to glamourize what "might have been" with mom. They have had a stepmom from heck (who judging by current ages - came into their lives when they were teenagers - which is a NIGHTMARE situation for a blended family to begin with and what psychologist across the board agree as the WORST time to begin blending a family).

Dee, sounds like you have a good guy - and as long as you two keep back to back in defensive against any outsiders (family included) and "front to front" (face to face) with each other - you will come through just fine.

Stepfamilies hurt like heck. But when the break through comes in small doses or in a flood - it is beautiful. Some times stepfamilies is really like doing a weird two-step...you take two steps forward, and then two more and two more back...till eventually it turns into a beautiful dance of people who can't figure out where biological begins or ends.

Dee - you are being a wonderful stepmom and keep loving...keep forgiving...but don't forget what you believe in and your values - ever. G and M have some growing up to do and growing out of a lot of hurt and dysfunction in their own lives it seems.

It is good that they have you and your husband available to be something stable and steady in such a shaky world. Keep standing your ground - in love and lots of grace.

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#71086 - 07/19/05 06:41 AM Re: 25 doing on 12
Virginia Lee Offline
Member

Registered: 07/18/05
Posts: 14
Loc: Nashville, TN
I have been a step-parent. I have found only one successful method of discipline that works with a step-child (yes, it really works if adhered to strictly!) Here it is:

The birth parent needs to set boundaries, limits, and rules. The step-parent's role should be that of 'the enforcer' when the birth parent isn't available, prefacing each statement with "Your father/mother says _________ and I am here to enforce that."
It's the ultimate peace-keeper and it works.

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