My husband's son (25 yrs old) (I'll call him G) borrowed my husband and my new kubota tractor and really abused it and did some damage. I've known G for almost 2 years and thought we had a pretty good relationship. He's come to me on several occasions asking my advice on things and talking about his troubled marriage. His dad and I have been married for almost 3 months and we're both in our 50's. G was told by his dad that the tractor is not leaving our property again because of the damage it received by him. When he came to pick up the trailer it was on I gave him a piece of paper with the price of the damage and he got really pissed at me saying it was "just a tractor" and damage is expected. I pointed out to him that the hood was crushed in, the hydraulic lines were bent and the bucket was out of alignment and bent...those aren't normal. To make a long story short, he's decided I am to keep out of his business with his dad and he has told my husband (his father) that he'd prefer if I did not interfere in this matter. He and his father decided that he'd do some work on the place to repay the damage as he's young and not able to pay. I would have been okay with this but I was not included in the discussion with my husband about the final decision and thus our first argument ever ensued because of it. My husband said he was wrong and should have not decided anything until he and I had talked about it. It just make G think now that I need to butt out even more.
I've worked hard in 2 years to build a good relationship with all his kids (there are 3). I was a step child and a prior step mom and so I know how hard it can be.
My husband is upset that G and his wife would attack me so badly after all I've done for them and my would is very deep at the moment and do not care to be around them. We have decided that G's borrowing card has been cancelled (he likes to borrow things and not return them until we ask for them or go over and get them). We should have been smarter about the tractor considering his track record.
I'm pretty hurt by this and feel resentful. Not sure what to do next.

First of all Dee welcome! And you are from Alabama I see. How wonderful. Me too! Me too! (Queen waving hand frantically).

If it were me, I would have to set aside the "step-anything" thinking and think, "If this were my old flesh and blood, would I treat this the same way?" If the answer is yes, and I'm betting it is, then you have to believe in your own motivations. It looks like to me that junior was at fault, knew he was, but doesn't like taking the blame for things, so he used the only defense he could, GET MAD AT YOU. By taking the focus off of himself, and waving a finger in the air shouting "she's an outsider butting in" he hoped his Dad would say, "oh gee son, you poor thing, is that mean old step-mother picking on your young self?"

It didn't work because obviously the love/bond you have with your husband is a strong one. Your husband is to be commended for backing you in this! Go Hubby!

I say you should be patted on the back for doing the Barney thing. Nipping it in the bud. I'm not saying you should bully him, I'm saying when a situation calls for you to voice your opinion and it is the right thing to do, THEN DO IT! I AM saying don't let HIM bully you. Its emotional blackmail. If he gets away with it now, imagine what the rest of your married life would be like. Every tried to walk to egg shells?

Step-parents, heck... any parent, should check their hearts, which means, check your motivation for doing this or that. If it is in the right place, then I say onward!

How should you handle it? From my point of view, you don't have anything to handle...THEY DO. You've done the right thing. Now its their turn to mend the broken fence.

Just my thoughts...Hope I haven't stepped over the boundaries.

JJ

Queen Jaw/Jaw
Thanks for your wonderful response. And go Alabama Girls...
I have stepped back and it's quiet for the moment...nothing is happening, which for now is probably a good thing. I'm still too wrapped around the tree I got slammed into to feel okay about it yet.
Yes, my husband is a wonderful man and is very giving and tender hearted. He has been taken advantage of in the past because of how he is and I believe that G has been guilty of this on more than one occasion. G is very tight with his money and would rather use others' things if he can than buy it himself.
Thanks for the words of support concerning my standing up for what is right...I wasn't hateful or mean when I spoke with G...but, I was firm about what I said and I didn't say anything to him that I would not have said to my own sons...actually, I told him he got off easy because my own kids would not have gotten off as easy...they would still be hearing about it.
Time will tell what happens next...I do not feel it is my place to approach them...I agree with you...they need to approach me...but, I doubt if I will ever hear an apology...people like G don't see that they've done anything wrong when it comes to situations like this. Perhaps I'm wrong, but only time will tell.
I'm so happy I found this forum...I didn't think I'd need to vent with step-parenting issues concerning grown step-kids, but that goes to show you how much has changed...Kids in general these days show lack of respect in so many way...I'm a child of the 50's and I learned values and tried to teach those values to my kids...I know my husband tried to teach his children values as well, but his ex-wife is still wicked and hateful and spiteful and backstabbing to him and now me. She's full of venum and is probably loving this episode about the tractor and will use it to convince G that I'm a horrible person. It's a shame, really. Things were going so well...now that's all in the trash bin.
And no, you haven't stepped over any boundaries. Thanks for your supporting words.
Dee

Very odd, we seem to have a fox in the hen house. I posted a reply to this question and it has dissappeared???? Oh Dotsie......

I don't think it disappeared Ms C... I think you probably posted in another part of the forum. This same post is in several places.

I did the same thing when I first came to Boomers. I wasn't sure WHERE to put something, so I put it in several places. No matter... as long as you get a reply and the help you need, right Dee? RIGHT!

My guess is that Dee has soaked up your wisdom in another area. If not, post again because you're replies ALWAYS hit the mark. And I'm sure she would appreciate it!

JJ

I goofed in where to put things...I've been grateful for the responses I've received and it helps to know that I'm not the only person who thinks the way I do about this situation. So far, the only ones who believe otherwise are G and his wife, which of course does not surprise me.

not to worry over the posting thing Ms Dee...we all do it at one time or nuther...

Hugs, JJ

Yep JJ and Dee found my post in another area and hope it helped....thank goodness it was my mistake, after all I am in that age now where the mind begins to shrink up like a walnut...HELP ME!!!!!

chatty, would you have said this last week, or has this shrinking happened since your birthday?

Don't you wonder where the word "Step" comes from? Like, step on me, step on my heart, etc.?

Dotsie I believe it is since my Birthday...Dianne I looked up the word STEP in the Thesaurus and there were 4 separate listing groups far too many to list here but you might do the same, very interesting and in most cases the word fits, at least in G's case and your own steps case...

Hello Ladies,

I wanted to bring you up to date on what's happened. I got a chuckle out of your definition of step.
My husband and I had a very serious talk about our rules, our position in what has happened. It's true...G regards me as insignicant in this situation yet at the same time tells his father I haven't done enough lately for them...despite the fact that it was my tractor his butt was parked on when he trashed it and it was his wife who I drove to the vet for her sick bird not 2 weeks ago. My husband, Larry, let G know his position, which is beside me and that G needed to accept the fact that I am not going anywhere and that I need to be respected and that he and I make the decisions on things. Larry told G he could not believe how they've treated me after all I've done for them...One of G's responses was "not lately"...despite the fact that, that is not true. Larry told G that he and M (his wife) need to apologize to me, not the other way around. G said he'd go back and talk to M about it and see what she says.
It got me all riled up again after hearing G thinks I've not done enough for them...despite the fact that this father's day went by and not one of Larry's kids cared enough about him to drop 99 cents for a single father's day card.
I think Larry's finally seeing how ungrateful these kids are and how selfish they've behaving. But, in order to make me look bad, they are trying to take the position that it's my fault and not theirs.
I'm proud of my husband for being a real father to his son by telling him the truth. I bought my husband a gift and card thanking him for standing by my side and doing the right thing and left it for him to see when he got home from work...He works crazy hours with the railroad and does not have a set schedule.
That's another thing...despite the fact there have been times Larry has been tired, not much sleep, G would call asking him to come over and help him do this or that...Larry always would. Burns me up to think about how these kids truly are inside and to know their true motives...it's all about them to to heck with what anyone else might feel or need.
I hate to think of the kids they'll be raising.
Thanks for letting me vent...

Wow. G sounds very immature and selfish. At what point do they grow up and stop relying on others to do things for them? Maybe when they're forced into it?

I used to be the buffer...the go between my husband and his sons. They would come to me and ask me to talk to their dad about things before they did or to soften the blow for them when they finally did approach him themselves. They would call me and talk about problems, school, work, everything. All of that can change, as I sadly learned, in one flash. Now, my birthday is ignored, Christmas...any other special occassion. But, I'm okay with it. I really am. I have learned that I need a certain amount of dignity and self-respect to operate in my husband's family. Time will only tell what the outcome is.

I'm proud of your husband for standing by you. A big kiss for him!

Diane,
You're so sweet. How long have you been a step-mom? What ages are they?
What I don't understand about G's behavior is they've had a step mom before who was a witch...really. She never had their best interest at heart and she treated them and my husband badly...this was several years ago of course. I'm the complete opposite...I've nurtured them, been there for them, and never disrespected them. For that, I get rewarded with a slap in the face for saying something to them about disrespecting my property. They're learning that I am fair but I am not a push over. How they've handled this is evidently a problem for them. Not for me. I stand firm and know that I am not in the wrong here. They're behaving like a 2 year old who is pushing and seeing how far they can go before I give in...
When G told his dad that I hadn't done anything for them lately I sat down and made a list of things just to see if G was in fact correct. The list is very long of the things that Larry and I have done for G and his wife. When I tried to write down what we had received from G and his wife the list is blank...except for 'a hard time.' I don't do things for someone expecting something in return, but if G wants to get into a contest about who has done what for whom, then he's the one with egg on his face, not me and Larry. Ingrate and selfish defines G's character at the moment and his wife's.
I can and will be alright if I never interact with them again. I didn't marry them I married Larry. If this is all they have to offer in the way of a relationship...what can we do for them and only grief for us, then we're both better off with them being out of our picture until they grow up and see that how they are behavior is unacceptable behavior in a grownup world.
I know Larry is and will have a tougher time than I as they are his children and naturally he wants them in his life...but, at what price? I for one will never give up my principles to placate childish behavior from an adult. I think this is part of their problem...they've finally met an adult who sees through them and who is not willing to play their game. If they want to be a part of mine and Larry's world they need to be adults, not babies.

I don't think you should have to "prove" all that you've done for them. They already know.

10 Years for me. 10 very long years. They, men, are both in their 30's. One lives in the same city and the other lives in another state.

I hope this works out for you and your husband so both of you are happy.

Dee, What you said above about Larrys passed wife and the kids step mother makes me wonder how much of the marital strife was caused by these selfish chldren???? Maybe she wasn't as strong a personality as you are? Good for Larry being a united front with you. God I am so glad I never had step kids to deal with...bang!

I hope it works out too. My husband said tonight that his son is about to find out that there's just so much his father will take and until he (G) turns things around, he's not going to put himself out there. My husband just keeps impressing me.
I hope that I'm not going to go through 10 years of crap. I'm afraid I would have to keep the distance thing going in order to maintain my own sanity. I don't believe in putting myself in harms way just because it's a family member and no matter what side they happen to be on.
I have a sister who is a trouble maker and I've adjusted really well to not having her in my life...some people don't understand but that's okay, too. I haven't been around her in at least 10 years and she tried to come back about six months ago...I didn't allow it...she hasn't changed and so why go there?

Dear Chatty,
Yep, step kids can make one's life hell. I'm sure the step-kids didn't make her life pleasant...it's hard blending families. Larry and I are at the age where we're both not willing to put up with any bull in our lives...we've both been there and had that done to us and no one, no even our kids, especially at their age, is going to upset the wonderful, loving life we've found with each other.
I'm happy you've never had to deal with steps...you're lucky.

Dee, next time G brings up the "you haven't done anything blahblahblah", give him a copy of the list you made (including his non-contributions), look him in the eye and say, "Did I forget anything?" Good for you and Larry for sticking to your values.

Meridith,
You can be I'll be keeping a copy of that list with me...I'm also going to give a copy of it to Larry for him to keep. The last thing to happen was Larry put the ball in their court...to apologize to me for their disrespective attitude...he says that bothers him more than the tractor damage. That was several days ago and of course we've heard nothing from them, which doesn't surprise us at this point. Larry told me that his kids are finding out that they cannot push him around and that if they want to continue this then he'll stay out of their lives. They have to come to us...it isn't going to be the other way around.
In the meantime mine and larry's life is peaceful and quiet again. Inside I know he's hurting, but we're adjusting.
We're going to be fine.

I read that it often takes five years for healthy new relationships to form within marriages at midlife. I think that's a long time. Don't you?

Yes, especially when you are part of the couple that is experiencing it!

I just thought about something. I never had to cope with being a stepmom but was the mom whose son was the stepson and whose stepfathers attitude towards him changed when I gave birth to his and my son. As my second son grew my ex became more beligerant to his stepson. This went on for years. When my son was 17 he was also extremely buff and strong and they actually came to blows and I had a choice to make. I chose my son who loved his stepdad and never did one thing to bring on his hatred. I may have been hasty but felt I had no choice...sometimes thats the way it is.

[ July 05, 2005, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

This whole issue started because my husband told his son (G) that the tractor, which G damaged, would not be going back to him...G puffed up and was already mad by the time I said anything...and what I did say to him was not said in a negative or derrogative manner. I've my my own sons upset with me and we went through a time for about a year...and it was around the same age as G is now. Maybe it's a growing up thing some kids have to go through...but, Larry told me that G had already been defiant when it came to doing waht he was told...soooooooooooooo I can take some peace in kowing that it's not just the step-parent attitude...that it's probably G being G...his father and I put our foot down about what G did and now G's pouting and thinking he's punishing us by walking away...G's wife, who isn't helping at all, is even worse. She was brought up very spoiled and her attitude is that she's a 21st century wife and if a husband wants something done he can bloody well do it himself...she keeps her house like a pig sty, G told his father they haven't had sex in over 3 months and could see divorce in his future. I'd seen G's wife take an attitude with him but never with me until I tried to talk to her about this tractor incident...her true colors came out at me and it was pretty ugly. I've decided that if this is what we can expect from them then we're better off with them not being around. Until they grow up...

Everything can be running as smooth as silk and then, you use the dreaded word, NO! It can bring out the ugliness in people.

Or even worse..."you're responsible." That seemed to be what pushed G over the edge with me. They fight so hard wanting to be adults yet when it comes down to them behaving like adults, sometimes they truly miss the mark...and blame us for it. You can't reason with a child's mentality in an adult.
Larry told me that he believed G would have come around already if M (his wife) wasn't involved. We know M wear the pants in their family. I reminded Larry that M wasn't anywhere around when G jumped in my case about the tractor and he was equally as rude without M being present...sometimes we don't want to believe the worst in our kids and wish their behavior on someone else...but, Larry truly understands what's going on and as tender-hearted and caring as he is, he, too, has his limitations when it comes to rejection. He nor I did anything to deserve any of this...it's quite rediculous when you think about it, really. All very childish...but, Larry and I are leaving them alone...hopefully, they will come to their senses sooner or later. If not..oh, well.

Dianne, isn't that the truth?

Amen Sister!

Dotsie - I think 5 years is a conservative estimate on a blended family coming to a point of working "function". I think the older the children are the more they struggle with wanting "control" mom/dad, especially if they have had a topsy-turvy live to date and are needing some sort of stability and are afraid any change will just cause "the sky to fall" an the same time the rug is being pulled out from under them.

It gets more difficult with different scenarios. In Dee's case - she is going uphill both ways in a snow storm - as a stepmom. The kid's miss their mom - no matter what age they are - they will never have that relationship and will be tempted for a long time to glamourize what "might have been" with mom. They have had a stepmom from heck (who judging by current ages - came into their lives when they were teenagers - which is a NIGHTMARE situation for a blended family to begin with and what psychologist across the board agree as the WORST time to begin blending a family).

Dee, sounds like you have a good guy - and as long as you two keep back to back in defensive against any outsiders (family included) and "front to front" (face to face) with each other - you will come through just fine.

Stepfamilies hurt like heck. But when the break through comes in small doses or in a flood - it is beautiful. Some times stepfamilies is really like doing a weird two-step...you take two steps forward, and then two more and two more back...till eventually it turns into a beautiful dance of people who can't figure out where biological begins or ends.

Dee - you are being a wonderful stepmom and keep loving...keep forgiving...but don't forget what you believe in and your values - ever. G and M have some growing up to do and growing out of a lot of hurt and dysfunction in their own lives it seems.

It is good that they have you and your husband available to be something stable and steady in such a shaky world. Keep standing your ground - in love and lots of grace.

I have been a step-parent. I have found only one successful method of discipline that works with a step-child (yes, it really works if adhered to strictly!) Here it is:

The birth parent needs to set boundaries, limits, and rules. The step-parent's role should be that of 'the enforcer' when the birth parent isn't available, prefacing each statement with "Your father/mother says _________ and I am here to enforce that."
It's the ultimate peace-keeper and it works.

Welcome Virginia Lee. A happy belated birthday to you. You will enjoy it here. Welcome aboard.

chickadee

Virginia,
Welcome girl! I visited your homepage and wow! I love bluegrass...how I envy you the talent. Do you all ever come to the Bluegrass Festival at Athens State here in Athens, AL? It's a pretty big deal around these parts. Let me know if you do, I'd love to seek you out and hear you. Welcome to the board and maybe you could go over to the Welcome post and tell everyone about yourself. Jump right in and post anywhere you want, you're gonna love it here!

JJ

Another Boomer from Nashville! I'm in Franklin so let me know where you'll be playing so I can listen in. Welcome.

I hate to break your bubble, Virginia, but we're dealing with two very, very immature people. The situation has gotten worse...in fact, it's gotten so bad that I've decided to back out of any interfacing with G and M. Not only has G still refused to apologize to me for anything, he has called me a liar and now has started changing his story about what happened when he slammed down the phone on me. G and M thought they were going to come here and continue on as if nothing happened without have to do any repairs for damages they've done to us...when Larry told G that he still is required to apologize to me, Grady wanted to know what for and then began a character assanation about me to his father. It's gotten quite rediculous. In order to keep my husband out of the middle, which unfairly so he was for quite some time, I've asked him to tell G the next time he wants to tear me down to tell him that I'm off limits and if he can't say anything good about me then he will not say anything at all...(my mamaw used to tell me that)....anyway, I don't discuss G anymore with my husband unless he brings him up. What's made this even more sad is G's wife, M, who is pregnant told Larry the other night that all this stress is bad for her and the baby and she needs not to be stressed. She knows Larry is very tender hearted and can be easily manipulated and made to feel guilty and is using her pregnancy as an emotional blackmail with him...he may not see it, but I can...the moment M was pregnant she used her pregnancy to get out of doing her housework, being close to her husband (her words to me...she only had sex so she could get pregnant), and when she doesn't want to do something she'll say she's sick.
The bottom line here girls is I'm too old to be playing these games and my husband is tired of being used by G and now manipulated by them. We had a very good discussion about what's going on with larry's mom the other night...she said G called her and tried to complain to her about me and she told him she wasn't getting in the middle of it (way to go, mom). We had never really sat her down and told her everything and when we did, she was supportive and shocked at G's behavior not only to his dad but to me. She knows how supportive and giving and loving I've been to her grandson. I never, ever, ever, ever treated him like a red-headed step-child (that was a saying from when I was a kid...and a step-child, myself). My step-mom was a witch and I promised I'd never be like that if I ever became a step-mom and I haven't...But I have become firm in not letting G and M bully me and Larry and I will continue to hold that stance, even if it means G and M are out of my life forever. When people are distructive to our lives, even if family, they need to be held at bay so they do no more damage to one's family. G and M are still young (early 20's) and have a lot to learn...my letting them walk all over us is not what I want to teach them...or allow them to do. If I allow this, then they'll do it for the rest of my life...that isn't going to happen.

When a soldier is in a war zone it's important to maintain radio silence. I think by backing away from them and not playing these mind games, they will...hopefully...stop. It sounds like you and your husband have been put in a war zone.

People continue to do what works for them and when it stops working they either try harder or catch a clue and stop their behavior. Some people just have to learn the hard way, sadly.

I remember telling my husband that it wasn't right for him to allow his sons to "tattle" on me and he needed to put a stop to it. I also told him that if they had a problem with me, they should be men and call me. Of course, they never did. They may still tattle to dad but I sure don't hear about it!

I agree with you completely...we'll see if it works. Are you a step-mom? For how long? What did you go through?

Yep, I'm a stepmonster. 10 years for me and they are grown, in their 30's. I could write all day what I've been through but it boils down to them not being able to accept a woman in their dad's life or feeling they can interject their thoughts into our marriage. And, there's my husband being afraid they might go away if they think I'm taking their place. It has become so stupid I don't go there anymore. I just back away and let the fur fly but I do think my husband is slowly coming around.

Just wanted to let everyone know that it's been blissfully peaceful for the past week or so. My husband hasn't received anymore phone calls (that I know of) concerning me from his son or daughter-in-law. I think they're finally getting the idea that I want to stay as far away from them as possible and that I am not interested in putting my heart in the fire again. It got burned quite badly and I don't plan on being foolish again. So for now, all is quiet and peaceful...which is nice.