I don't have any step children but I do have a fifteen year old son and I do find that humor sometimes, not always, but sometimes helps get us through tough spots. I don't agree that making her feel silly will work though, I think it might get her angrier and she sounds like a very angry young lady to me.

I have a wonderful sence of humour. I like to make my children laugh. I like to think myself as a fun loving human being, but a LITTLE GIRL from the age of 4 to the age she is now has verbally and mentally abused me for 9 years. She has drained me of what I wanted to give her. She has taken from me, the love for a daughter that I now I will never have. She has taken away my joy of having some form of close bondness that I so so longed with her. SHE has made me miserable, taken away the joy of finally being married to the man that I once classed as my soul mate.
I look back at what this human being has done to me, and am sorry to say can no longer tolorate her being near me, to talk to me,to look at me. I AM DRAINED. What more can I do but love my children more. Give my children ME.And count my lucky stars that my children LOVE ME. And love being with me.

I am not defending this child. I am trying to offer possible solutions. It just appears that what you have done for nine years is not working. In fact, the problem appears to be getting worse. Maybe it is time to try something--anything different.

If she has mistreated you from the age of four, maybe she continued to do it because it Worked. She got a reaction. She got you upset. In her silly little girl mind, that's all she wanted. It got her the attention she craves. That's what she's after. If you can't use humor to show that you are unaffected, try something else. Turn away, turn to the arms of your husband, do whatever works, but never let her think she has control of you or the marriage. That's too much responsibility for a 13 yr. old.

If you deprive her of the power of upsetting you she will move on. She'll find friends. She'll get busy with her own life and maybe she will even become a daughter you could care about.

I doubt that she truly wants to break up your marriage, but on some dark level, the power of it is exciting and it gets her the attention she craves. I'm not sure why she craves attention, but kids never seem to get enough. And if you continue to reward her with it, she will continue to torture you.

You are at war for your marriage. Pull out all the stops. Do whatever you must to save it. There are certainly other men, and there are other marriages and being alone is also an option, but all options are flawed and ending a marriage is terribly painful.

As I said, I've been there. I've made a million mistakes and I'm still making them every single day. Perhaps posting is one of them.

Smile, I don't think you made a mistake by posting. Debs came here looking for help and by offering her our suggestions, maybe she can find some help in the form of something one of us says.
This girl is causing a terrible problem for Debs and her family. The girl is obviously angry and by the looks of it getting angrier by the day.

Debs,
Not that it's any of my business but has this child recieved any counseling?
Does she act like this at school? Or only at home with you?
Does your school offer counseling? Maybe an outsider can help with this situation.
I'm sorry that she is putting such a strain on you and your family.

Smile, you didn't make a mistake posting. You were trying to help. Sorry if I sounded harsh.

I agree, this is one angry young lady. In the UK, do they have family clinics you guys could go to for help? Counseling? Something needs to be done before she disrupts the entire family beyond repair. If your husband won't go, go for yourself to find ways of dealing with this mess.

Shes the perfect student. In fact her grades are brilliant. Not too keen on one freind, but as a parent we will get a dislike. I know my mum did. I have treid getting social services involved with her. To no avail. IN fact they told me that there was nothing wrong with her. After posting what I did last night. It has made me see that I really cannot let this CHILD win. Shes made this mess, shes made herself unhappy by craving the attention she is getting from me and other adults. All I can suggest to myself is let her get on with it. I will do what I have been doing these past weeks, and that is ignore her. She'll be the one that comes running, when she realises this little bubble she has put HERSELF in is about to pop, and she needs to come into the real world. I dont know how long its gonna take. THE Little girl will NOT WIN. Thats what I am going to keep saying to myself. Cos thats all she is.

I think your attitude is good and you should ignore the tantrums and trouble , let Dad deal with them, the only thing I would add is that you should also praise her if and when she does something right. (Which I'm sure you would do anyway) I'm thinking that if this whole thing is about attention and the only attention she ever gets from you is positive, she may change her ways a little bit.
Good luck!

I always praised her. But she hasnt done anything right for such a very long time. I come from a stpparent family as well, and she knows this, and knows that I DO ACTUALLY know what she is going through. But I HAD RESPECT for elders growing up. Where as she DOESNT.

May I jump in here? I've twice been a step mom...the first time was the real shocker for me...I met my step-son with his father after school...we went to Bury St. Edmunds for dinner...his son ended up screaming and crying (he was 12) and would not even walk on the same side of the street with me. That should have been my first clue that things weren't going to get easier. He made his father take him home and after his father and I married, the visitations were horrible. In the end my step-son did everything he could to cause problems...it was his way of letting me know that he would never accept me in any compacity, no matter how nice I was to him.
He was angry with his parents for splitting up only he could not show anger to them...so it was me who got all the resentment/anger reactions.
My second time around is now...with grown step-children...fortunately, my husband has stood by my side and not let his grown step-children push me or him around. They've tried some low shots but refuse to take responsiblity for their inappropriate actions...Larry and I have stood side by side and have not let them damage our marriage. If he had not taken the stance he did with me we would probably be in serious trouble.
Bottom line here: Your husband needs to take his snotty little kid (raging hormones and all) and tell her she either straightens up and behaves or is out the door to her mother's house permanently. Second, she needs to be in counseling...I was a step-child myself from a very young age and issues I had back then were never addressed...the loss, pain, etc., and they have affected my life up until even now...all of you are affected by this and all of you need some kind of counselling to cope...you and your husband need marriage counsellling to reconnect priorities...he must stand by you and stand up to her.
If it were me and my husband did not stand by me and expected me to deal with this alone, he'd find himself alone with his out-of-control daughter. Maybe I'm too cold hearted, but it's not worth it when only one person is doing all the work in a marriage.

That is my question, why is this brat living with you and her father? Doesn't her mother want her? This rotten kid should not be your problem. You are not hard hearted at all and the last time I checked "step-mother" was not spelled "door-mat!"

[ August 18, 2005, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]