Hiya people. I am new to the site. I am from the UK. And have been a stepparent for nearly 9 years. The trouble I am having is the stepdaughter,its not just me either its all adults. She is disrespectful,rude,lazy,mouthy,arrogant and just downright nasty. She has got something to say about everything, bullies my kids. And treats myself and her father with such disrespect. I have honestly done everything in my power to get her sorted. But it has now come down to ignoring her every move, sound. I really dislike the girl. We took my son to soccer training yesterday and came home to the washing basket overflowing with her dirty washing. Gary asked her why she hadnt done it and even offered to show her how to use the machine. She turned round and said that she shouldnt have to do anything around the house cos thats what we are here for. And that until she is 18 and an adult shes not doing a thing. Her laundry is now in a black bag, and will NOT be done by me. If she runs out of clothes NOT MY PROBLEM. My husband who normally does things to keep the peace was shocked by her behavour and totally agrees with me. I need some more help on how to deal with her, because just being in the same house as her is making me ill.

Oh may I point out that the stepkids stay with us 4 days and their mother 4 days. Its always been like this. Just to straigten things out.

Someone created this monster so someone has to straighten her out. Who was the Dr. Frankenstein in this case?

Bit of her father, bit of her mother and bit of her nan. Who treated her like she was the only one that mattered. Noone wants to take responsibility for this thing. She thinks she is a diva. Thats it. Noone else matters. For instance last night, shes on the phone. Sitting on the stairs. Now any NORMAL person would move if someone was coming up or down the stairs. NOT HER. Oh no. I stood there and made a hand gesture for her to move, and she got rather rude. Telling ME that an excuse me wouldnt hurt. So we have got to be nice and polite towards her, and not get it back. I dont think so. I am treating her the way she does me. I have been lying awake night after night trying to find some way out of this. I have only been married for 3 months. So obviously dont want to go. But after 9 years in this relationship the stepdaughter and I should have a reasonable relationship, shouldnt we?? I am hurting so much at the moment, Husband doesnt want to know. Hes not bothered at the way she is. She walks around this house as if its her own. Does nothing to contribute to the chores in any way shape or form. In fact its me or her father that do it. But I refuse point blank with her laundry after the episode recently. Husband will not make her go live with her mother full time, as he feels hes letting his kids down if he does that. After 9 years of abuse from this brat, I really cant do this anymore. Yes ignoring her and what she wants is working to a certain extent. But she is now threatening my 8 year old that she will punch him if he doesnt do what she says. Constantly asking for money from him. I cant stand the kid, And feel I have done the best I can with her. I give up. I have been told to keep ignoring her cos she will be the first to cave in. Especially where her washing is concerned. And she will realise that her ignorance, rudness and verbal cruelty will turn on her.

Sounds like ruining your marriage might be a priority on her list. How old is she?

I would really let her know that if she ever lays a hand on your son, she's gonna regret it. And I would have taken the phone out of her hands and told her to NEVER speak to you like that. If your husband isn't going to protect all of you, it appears you will be the one.

I have found that fathers are afraid to address problems because of the fear their child will no longer love them and leave. So, you, the stepmom has to be the one who takes care of the evil deed. What will you lose since she's already disrespecting you?

Can you sit her down, just the two of you, and ask her just what her problem is? Not in anger but just a talk.

Shes 13. I have tried and tried to talk to her over and over again. It works for a few weeks, then I get the name calling I am a *****NG B***H for telling her to turn the tv down. I do not appreciate mtv thumping through the house at 7.30am. So had good reason to tell her to turn it down. I have even got my mum involved and it seemed to work. In fact for nearly 3 months we got on so well. I thought it was the turning point I so so wanted. The she calls me the above name I mentioned and it went downhill from there. Had to get mum down again the other week, and she was even verbally abusive to her. I am at my wits end. I cannot deal with her anymore. And husband doesnt want to know. You are probably right he doesnt want to hurt her. But I can see where this childs life is leading. And its not gonna be pretty. He cant see it. Hes nto ashamed at how shes turned out, hes not annoyed she treats me and mine like something shes stepped in. But doesnt want me to leave, cos more kids in another broken marriage isnt good. Yes he has a point but hes not helping matters. I told him about her threatening my son if he didnt do her dishes. Ya know what?? He did nothing. I am screaming inside for my children. And for the man I once loved. But am afraid to say just kinda like now. I dont look at him in the same way. This child is tearing me apart. But why for years has she said its about time you n dad got married. Just to tear it all apart so soon after the event. I just want her to go live with her mum full time. I cant deal with her. He works shifts, so for 2 days I am here with them. Not so much when schools in. Its summer break here, so I have had to take time off to watch my boys. But even when he is on rest days he is fishing and leaving me to deal with her. I feel like the person I was has died. And need to get her back. Please help.

Oh just found some more dirty washing in the bathroom. I put it right into her special black bag. She seems to be wearing the clothing once, and its going in the wash. She doesnt do anything to warrent it going in the laundry. Hasnt come out of her room for 3 days. And certainly hasnt done anything to get up a sweat.lol. Shes gonna get such a shock when she has no clothing.I find it rather amusing. Shes not taking that attitude with us and getting away with it.

She called you THAT and your husband didn't do anything? Good grief. This is really bad.

I don't think it's that he doesn't want to hurt her, he doesn't want to make his life uncomfortable while allowing all of this to burden you, while you're the bad guy. So wrong.

I'd insist that he go to a counselor with you...like right now. I wouldn't take no for an answer. Tell him the marriage depends on it. And, I would not stay home with her while he goes off fishing or whatever. Tell him he takes her with him. You've gotta get strong on this because it seems like you're being walked over like a door mat.

I know how hurtful and depressing this is. And, I know you don't have to live like this either. I'd sit my husband down and tell him he's got some serious decisions to make and it's now or never. For him to allow his daughter to treat you like this is not acceptable. Ever.

I know, and thankyou. I have been walking round in a daze today. Nearly in tears. After spending alot of time cleaning the bathroom yesterday, i came home from a little trip out to the town to find the room in a total state. 2 Towels(why 2) in the wash basket, thrown in there like she has no care in the world. Shampoo left out, Just a total bloody mess. I dont think over here in the UK we have councelling for stepparents in greif. And I know that he WILL NOT want to come and sort things out because he doesnt think there is anything wrong with her. He thinks I make it all up, I am sure of it. I am just so unhappy. Other than councelling I cant see anyway of this improoveing

Have you read any books on step parenting? There is one called Step Wars that's supposed to be good.

Honestly, if he won't go to counseling you are going to have to make some decisions yourself. You can go by yourself to save your sanity and possibly learn how to deal with this. Then, you have to watch and see if anything changes.

Does she act nasty in his presence? If she does and he still doesn't care, he doesn't think you're making it up, he just doesn't want to deal with it. They can act like they are scared of their own children at times.

So, if he isn't going to change and she isn't going to change, you have the option of completely detaching from it. Don't pay any attention to her or her nastiness, don't pick up after her, and just remove yourself from the situation mentally. Go out with the other kids and do things with them. Make your own form of happiness. Don't complain about her to your husband. Just stop reacting. I think this is what she wants...a reaction from you. If it doesn't work, she might decide it isn't worth the effort.

I know how you feel. Trust me. I know!

What about her dinners. Do I do them. I have to cook for my own and husband when hes at work. I am trying to detatch from her. As for not picking up after her, I dont want him coming home from work and seeing the house in a mess. I'd feel it was a petty thing to do. At the end of the day it does sound daft me saying sorry I didnt tidy that up thats her mess.Sounds a bit childish

I'd cook her dinners because it would only make things worse. I don't know, maybe if he saw the mess she left, he might get the hint. When my kids were that age, I didn't pick up after them. They were old enough to start doing that.

I understand the seriousness of this situation, but perhaps a comedic outlook might be in order.

In my opinion, there is actually a lot of untapped comedy in the very idea of a well kept house. And dinner on the table for a husband coming home? Now there's a real joke. And a kid expecting to sit on the stairs not allowing me past might enjoy the image of the results of a weak bladder. At least the other kids would probably enjoy that image.
And when she accuses you of being the bad stepmother, just hand her a broom and call her cinderella. Some of her whines and accusations are probably becoming repetitive and you can anticipate them in a monotone voice as if from a tape recorder when you see them coming. My kids hate that, but I love it.

I know ricicule can be hurtful, but if you look at the situation as a scene in the human comedy it really can be funny. Laughing with my kids at their imperfections and mine has diffused a lot of potentially serious situations. Tragicomedy is a wonderful way of looking at things. And it can actually be therapeutid for the whole family to realize that they are loved despite their ridiculous habits, whines, dramas, and general all around silliness.

I was reminded of that at lunch with my youngest. Here she is a CPA out of college with kids of her own and she's still whining about some halloween in Jr. High when I forgot her at school. If I say anything even remotely critical. She goes into this melodrama about how I warped her for life by forgetting forgot her at Halloween. And when she complains about something I have done I say she should be thankful I didn't leave her at school on Halloween. And any problem she has with her kids we bring into focus by just saying "Halloween." Then we all giggle and move on. Maybe you can find something like that to smooth out the rough spots.

A little comedy can ease a lot of bad feelings.
smile

Thanks for that. But knowing my stepdaughter she wouldnt find it remotly funny. In fact I know it would make her worse.
Shes not at all happy with her daddy today, he woke her early, and she was tired. Ya know why. Cos she had me up till gone 3.30am stomping around her room, going in and out making so much noise. How I have got through today at work I will never know. What with only having 2 1/2 hrs sleep.

The point is not for Her to find it funny. The point is for You to find it funny. It will help you put the situation in perspective and give you time to come up with an appropriate response.

I don't mean to trivialize the problem, but from the outside looking in, it is humorous. Imagine a woman considering leaving a man she loves and has waited nine years to marry all because a child of thirteen doesn't pick up her clothes, refuses to move from the stairs, and plays loud music.

It could be so much worse and the problem is, it probably will get worse. At thirteen, she has a lot of growing up to do. Wait til she gets a car. Oh my gosh that's a whole new scenario. Then there's the boyfriends and the girlfriends and the bad friends and the terrible music and the possibility of drinking or using drugs. All that is to look forward to. And after that, you have an eight year old to go through all that with. Oh my gosh, I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I know she is hurting you, but really the things she is doing don't sound terrible for a thirteen year old. And at this point of her development, a degree of jealousy of her father's mate is probably a normal resolution of the Electra complex. Add to that the stress of adjusting to a new lifestyle and the combination of raging hormones in two females and you have an explosive situation.

To let her even think she has the power to end the marriage would be disastrous for her and for you. It doesn't sound as if she is doing drugs or breaking the law which reminds me of another of my daughter's famous sayings. To just about any complaint during her teen years, she would answer, "Well Mom, at least I'm not out doing drugs and robbing Seven Elevens."

Actually that put things in perspective and I use it myself now. When she complains that I am doing too much or something, I just say, "Well Becky, I could be out doing drugs or robbing Seven Elevens." We laugh, she shuts up, and I have time to consider what she has said.

Just trying to help.
smile

I somehow missed the part about her calling you a name. Did her father hear that? If he didn't defend you, he may be the one who deserves your anger. She is a child. He is a man. And he is your husband.

If he allows her to even think she can come between you, it is bad for both her and you. A child who comes between the parent of the opposite sex and her mate can develop serious problems that follow them for life.

I agree with whoever suggested counseling if he cannot understand the importance of defending his mate to his daughter.
smile

its not just the things you mentioned I.E the picking up of clothes not moving on the stairs. Its her attitute towards me and every one around her. I have talked to a freind about this, and she said make a joke of it. She'll look silly not you, cos yr getting on with your life. It hasnt just been the past few months like this. It has been 9 YEARS. And I think its time the girl realised where the respect should be given. And where she should draw the line. It doesnt hurt for a little help everyday. I dont want her cleaning the whole house. I just want her to show respect for her surroundings.

I don't feel there is anything remotely funny about this entire situation. In a normal situation where a kid just does dumb things, that's one thing but to call your stepmother foul names and continually show disrespect isn't funny. It's foul and destructive. You can't imagine how horrible it is until you've lived through or with it.

As a matter of fact, I have lived with it. In fact, I lived with a thirteen year old step daughter when I was in my twenties. I lived with her attitude problems for five years as they developed into increasingly serious problems. That's why I responded.

I do know how painful this is, but looking back, I can see that if I had used a little humor and not reacted so seriously to the small things I might have avoided the bigger ones that ultimately ended the marriage. If I described the things that eventually evolved from what now appears to be my own over reaction to the smaller things, you would see why the thirteen year old's attitude problems diminish in comparison.

I am not there so I can't know the whole story and I am not unconcerned, but I do speak from experience.
smile

I've always had a sense of humor and did use it on my kids often but when it came to my stepson flipping me off and tell me to go **** myself, I couldn't find any humorous way to deal with it or respond. And, he was an adult too so it is different than a young teen ager.

I do agree that the husband has to step in and do something here. However, if he refuses, what is she to do? Seems the responsibility of this child has fallen on her shoulders.

I don't have any step children but I do have a fifteen year old son and I do find that humor sometimes, not always, but sometimes helps get us through tough spots. I don't agree that making her feel silly will work though, I think it might get her angrier and she sounds like a very angry young lady to me.

I have a wonderful sence of humour. I like to make my children laugh. I like to think myself as a fun loving human being, but a LITTLE GIRL from the age of 4 to the age she is now has verbally and mentally abused me for 9 years. She has drained me of what I wanted to give her. She has taken from me, the love for a daughter that I now I will never have. She has taken away my joy of having some form of close bondness that I so so longed with her. SHE has made me miserable, taken away the joy of finally being married to the man that I once classed as my soul mate.
I look back at what this human being has done to me, and am sorry to say can no longer tolorate her being near me, to talk to me,to look at me. I AM DRAINED. What more can I do but love my children more. Give my children ME.And count my lucky stars that my children LOVE ME. And love being with me.

I am not defending this child. I am trying to offer possible solutions. It just appears that what you have done for nine years is not working. In fact, the problem appears to be getting worse. Maybe it is time to try something--anything different.

If she has mistreated you from the age of four, maybe she continued to do it because it Worked. She got a reaction. She got you upset. In her silly little girl mind, that's all she wanted. It got her the attention she craves. That's what she's after. If you can't use humor to show that you are unaffected, try something else. Turn away, turn to the arms of your husband, do whatever works, but never let her think she has control of you or the marriage. That's too much responsibility for a 13 yr. old.

If you deprive her of the power of upsetting you she will move on. She'll find friends. She'll get busy with her own life and maybe she will even become a daughter you could care about.

I doubt that she truly wants to break up your marriage, but on some dark level, the power of it is exciting and it gets her the attention she craves. I'm not sure why she craves attention, but kids never seem to get enough. And if you continue to reward her with it, she will continue to torture you.

You are at war for your marriage. Pull out all the stops. Do whatever you must to save it. There are certainly other men, and there are other marriages and being alone is also an option, but all options are flawed and ending a marriage is terribly painful.

As I said, I've been there. I've made a million mistakes and I'm still making them every single day. Perhaps posting is one of them.

Smile, I don't think you made a mistake by posting. Debs came here looking for help and by offering her our suggestions, maybe she can find some help in the form of something one of us says.
This girl is causing a terrible problem for Debs and her family. The girl is obviously angry and by the looks of it getting angrier by the day.

Debs,
Not that it's any of my business but has this child recieved any counseling?
Does she act like this at school? Or only at home with you?
Does your school offer counseling? Maybe an outsider can help with this situation.
I'm sorry that she is putting such a strain on you and your family.

Smile, you didn't make a mistake posting. You were trying to help. Sorry if I sounded harsh.

I agree, this is one angry young lady. In the UK, do they have family clinics you guys could go to for help? Counseling? Something needs to be done before she disrupts the entire family beyond repair. If your husband won't go, go for yourself to find ways of dealing with this mess.

Shes the perfect student. In fact her grades are brilliant. Not too keen on one freind, but as a parent we will get a dislike. I know my mum did. I have treid getting social services involved with her. To no avail. IN fact they told me that there was nothing wrong with her. After posting what I did last night. It has made me see that I really cannot let this CHILD win. Shes made this mess, shes made herself unhappy by craving the attention she is getting from me and other adults. All I can suggest to myself is let her get on with it. I will do what I have been doing these past weeks, and that is ignore her. She'll be the one that comes running, when she realises this little bubble she has put HERSELF in is about to pop, and she needs to come into the real world. I dont know how long its gonna take. THE Little girl will NOT WIN. Thats what I am going to keep saying to myself. Cos thats all she is.

I think your attitude is good and you should ignore the tantrums and trouble , let Dad deal with them, the only thing I would add is that you should also praise her if and when she does something right. (Which I'm sure you would do anyway) I'm thinking that if this whole thing is about attention and the only attention she ever gets from you is positive, she may change her ways a little bit.
Good luck!

I always praised her. But she hasnt done anything right for such a very long time. I come from a stpparent family as well, and she knows this, and knows that I DO ACTUALLY know what she is going through. But I HAD RESPECT for elders growing up. Where as she DOESNT.

May I jump in here? I've twice been a step mom...the first time was the real shocker for me...I met my step-son with his father after school...we went to Bury St. Edmunds for dinner...his son ended up screaming and crying (he was 12) and would not even walk on the same side of the street with me. That should have been my first clue that things weren't going to get easier. He made his father take him home and after his father and I married, the visitations were horrible. In the end my step-son did everything he could to cause problems...it was his way of letting me know that he would never accept me in any compacity, no matter how nice I was to him.
He was angry with his parents for splitting up only he could not show anger to them...so it was me who got all the resentment/anger reactions.
My second time around is now...with grown step-children...fortunately, my husband has stood by my side and not let his grown step-children push me or him around. They've tried some low shots but refuse to take responsiblity for their inappropriate actions...Larry and I have stood side by side and have not let them damage our marriage. If he had not taken the stance he did with me we would probably be in serious trouble.
Bottom line here: Your husband needs to take his snotty little kid (raging hormones and all) and tell her she either straightens up and behaves or is out the door to her mother's house permanently. Second, she needs to be in counseling...I was a step-child myself from a very young age and issues I had back then were never addressed...the loss, pain, etc., and they have affected my life up until even now...all of you are affected by this and all of you need some kind of counselling to cope...you and your husband need marriage counsellling to reconnect priorities...he must stand by you and stand up to her.
If it were me and my husband did not stand by me and expected me to deal with this alone, he'd find himself alone with his out-of-control daughter. Maybe I'm too cold hearted, but it's not worth it when only one person is doing all the work in a marriage.

That is my question, why is this brat living with you and her father? Doesn't her mother want her? This rotten kid should not be your problem. You are not hard hearted at all and the last time I checked "step-mother" was not spelled "door-mat!"

[ August 18, 2005, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

you said it, chatty lady...

Both stepchildren are with us because their mother left them. I met Gary6 months after his marriage ended, so it was nothing on his part. She had an affair and he made her choose, him and the kids or this new fella. She left. Remarried had another kid, divorced yet again and is now living the life of riley in a lovley house in a lovey area with a man that has his own business etc etc And we are struggling. I wont go to much into it though cos I could rant on and on for EVER.lol and ya dont want that.
That was 9 years ago. And here we are. Struggling with a lazy 16 yr old boy whos been out of school 3 months and not bothered to find a job. And a nasty vindictive brat. I know at the end of the day your going to say well of course she is like she is cos her mother left her and had her every other week. But I cant come to grips as to why she is nasty to her dad and myself. If it wasnt for him she wouldnt have a home. She knows full well its her mothers fault that the marriage ended. And has told me she doesnt blame me as its "ALL HER FAULT" Up until a few months back I was willing to have her here full time, because thats what she wanted. But then she turns on me for no apparent reason.

I think she has misdirected anger. Like, you can't hate your mom so who is the first available woman to direct that hatred toward. You happen to be standing there.

Did something happen that you don't know about but suspect? Something that could've brought all this anger out but she isn't willing to talk about? Just a thought.

Not that I can think of. Up until her calling me what she did we were having a great time. We went to a concert together, I took her clothes shopping, generally having a good girly time talking about boys n stuff. Then bang. All gone in an instant. I will not(and I dont think anyone would)tolorate being called what she called me. I didnt get any sorry from her, and from then onwards shes been nasty. What more can I do??

I think it's the rare step-family that makes it...everyone has to be willing to make it work. Kids these days (no offence to those of you who have great kids), but my husband calls the kids today the "me generation". It's all about them and what they want and to heck with anyone else. I feel sorry for all of you but there's a reason the divorce rate is so high among step-families...it seldom works. At least if they're grown and out of the house you can refrain from having them over at your house if they're trouble...that's my case...unless they respect me they don't come over...they choose not to so they stay away...it doesn't bother me a bit. At least where they are concerned my life has peace and quiet to it. How much longer before they all move out on their own? Will your marriage last that long? Any counseling?

Oh god no idea.lol. If I knew that I would rush it forward beleive me.lol. Shes only 13, stepsons 16, and as lazy as hell. Am hoping that he'll be gone sooner rather than later.
No councelling unfortunatly. He wont go. Doesnt think theres anything wrong with the way his daughter treats me. So I am leaving him to deal with her. Things are going to plan.

He doesn't think there is anything wrong with the name she called you? You've got to be kidding. He should have been all over her. What was your reaction when she did this? I don't know, Deb. If he disrespects you so much and won't go to counseling, I'm not sure there is a lot of hope there. Sorry to say that but it's true. He can't expect you to live like that.

Personally I would at this stage in the game tell him, them or me? Seew how happy the ex would be with her kids dropped on her doorstep. Does he have legal custody or is he just stupid?
You either need him to understand that this treatment of you is not okay. DAH!!! If he doesn't care then why waste your time, all you are now is a sitter for those unappreciative brats....is that okay with you?

My reaction to her when she calls me these names or is rude and disrespectful is to lash out unfortunatly. I dont like doing it. But my thinking at THAT time is.... She treating me like an adult would, so do what an adult would. LAST time she was nasty was when I asked her to sit at the table and eat her dinner. She got mouthy saying why should she dinners cooked in the kitchen and if SHE wants to eat it out there standing up, then She will. I slapped her round the face. I have no idea why she is doing it to me. I dont want to have a slanging match with her every damn day of the year, she'd love that. And all this is done in front of my 2 small children of 8 and 5. I hate her for making me do what I am doing. As for custody, him and his ex didnt go to the courts to have them decide. They did it between them. And the only reason she hasnt got them full time and us just weekends is he cant afford it. Over here the fathers have to pay for their childrens keep with their mother. As in most other countries I presume as well. And even if we could afford it she wouldnt have them to be honest. They have always got in the way of her plans. Except the other child she had in the 2nd marriage.

It sounds like things have gotten out of control. I just can't believe your husband allows this and doesn't step up to the plate. I think what I'm hearing you say is you don't like the person you've become around her. I can't blame you. Constant stress can turn us into strangers.

I think you need to sit your husband down and tell him he either starts being a dad and husband or you're out of there. Right now, he's acting like an outsider who doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Ya know. I think half the time he feels like an outsider where she is concerned. And sometimes I dont blame him. Not taking his side here cos what hes doing is wrong as a parent. But she is so so much hard work. That hes probably got to the point where hes thinking why bother, I cant control her so let her get on with it. But it is wrong. Cos she is just getting on with it. And has totally taken over our lifes, our home and the way we feel.
Shes due back here tomorrow from her mothers, for 4 days. Now Gary wants to take the 2 younger ones out, but is worried about her. At 13 we shouldnt have to drag her everywhere with us anyways. So I suggest we do what we got to do and then collect her afterwards, so she doesnt ruin mine and my kids day out. I'll put that too him later.
What makes me annoyed, and this is her mother AGAIN. Is that when they are due back here from their mothers. She brings them back really quite early. But when they are due back there, they get taken up late afternoon or early evening. So it our turn to swap it around for a bit I feel. I need more time with my kids.

Maybe you can do that more often...take your kids and get out of the house and away from the drama.

Can you blame her mother? I'd be bringing her back early too! Maybe she feels this emotion of not being wanted and is acting out because of it, trying to chase people away before they get a chance to chase her away?

Could be right there Dianne. But youd think she would feel differently wouldnt you. I can see that the kid is hurting what with her mother not wanting her. But as I say 9 years down the line of trying to help her be with her and love her only to have it thrown back my face each and everytime. There is only so much anyone can take. I know being an adult I should be able to take it on the chin. But with the verbal abuse I am getting from her as well as the mental. I just cannot do it anymore. I have got to stay sane for my children. I just feel shes got herself in this mess. she can out of it. I HAVE TREID.

Isn't it cool to see how boomer women across the world have so much in common?

It certainly is yes.

Too bad it has to be the bad stuff however. Deb I know this is hard to do but in your mind make her invisible, do not see her, do not hear her and plan whatever you want with your children without her. Please take heed these words: She is acting out only for the 'reaction' she get from you...STOP! Once you perfect this invisible routine you won't believe the stress it relieves. It will take an effort not to lash out at first, but don't. If she wants to eat standing on her head, so be it. Don't set a place for her, she's invisible remember. This takes some real thought on your part but you won't believe how great it works....at least try this, you've tried everything else....

[ August 20, 2005, 07:50 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

She was due home today. I got on the defensive befor she'd even got home and he went nuts. I didnt say anything to him after that about her. UNTIL we got home from taking the younger two to the movies. She hadnt done the dishes. In fact left a massive pile. I said to hubby. "AND I'M SPOSED TO IGNORE THAT?" He went to do it, and I said NO GARY you cooked it and then took us out while your lazyass kids sat here doing nothing you leave it to them. I know you think I am going on at you again, but this is prooving my point. Neither of them care enough to even make things around here work. They dont want to make an effort.
Shes been told to do her own laundry and really wasnt pleased about it. But cant want her clothes that much cos we were out for 3 hours and it still aint done. OH DEAR.

Maybe if your husband does the kids chores enough, he'll get tired and say something or do something to change it.

I learned to not bring up David's sons name. I don't talk about him, don't bring him up in conversation and just say, oh really? when he brings up what he's doing. I also learned to say something once about the things his son was doing that were wrong and never mention it again. I thought if I said it often enough, he'd get it but all it did was put him on the defensive. Everything is much more peaceful now in our marriage.

I really have got to try to cut myself off completly from her. But just the thought of her puts my back up.
When we were young, if we wanted a freind round we would ask if it was ok first. She hasnt. She has her freind in right now, And to top it all wound my son up by taking the playstation from the front room, then promptly goes to his room and takes his games from his room so her and a freind can play them. AND NOTHING was said. I am soooo fed up. Have got to cut myself off completely

Its now nearly 9pm and her freind is still here Gary has asked her to leave and Amy wont let her. She now wants her to sleep. NO WAY. I have to get up for work. Hes letting her rule the roost, and I AM GETTING SO BLOODY MAD. He's threatening to leave.

Leave you? Leave the house?

We sat and had a chat. He knows that our marriage is on the line because of whats going on. And at the beginning of the chat did say that he would leave, but I told him no way, cos he isnt leaving me here with her. I would rather go. He said he does back me up. I was like WHEN,Please tell ME. Cos I have never seen it. I have told him we have got to be a united front where she is concerned. And that WE as a couple have got to STOP this disgusting behavour. His excuse was shes a homornal teenager. OH B*****X.lol Yeah right ok, shes been like that since the age of 4 then has she???
I said to him that as a human being there is only so much I or anyone for that matter can take. That I have treid to love her, only to have it thrown back in my face each and every time. I told him shes done it one too many times now, And I want nothing more to do with her. I know hes hurting inside cos she is his flesh and blood. I really do think he is at a total loss with what to do next. Everything we do is wrong as far as she is concerned. He feels guilty for not doing alot with her. BUT why would anyone want to with her attitude. I have told him thats the ONLY thing thats making her a BAD person. Hes getting annoyed that I am getting angry everytime she walks through the door. But she brings such an air in with her you really need to GET OUT.lol. My eldest gets on the devensive as well. Gary did actually slam out of the house earlier this evening cos she kept on about her freind staying blah blah. I had to ring him on his phone to see where he was.lol. Tom was in tears cos he wanted to see his dad before he went to bed. But the real reason hes in tears is.. I beleive he can see what shes doing to this family. That mummy isnt happy. I have told Gary all of this. And he agrees with me. I have also told him that I dont want to throw 9 years away over her. And that we should still be blissful over getting married 3 months ago. He agrees. I said to him honestly if she was more respectful, more loving, and helpful. I wouldnt mind freinds staying overnight. But One SHE ISNT. AND TWO. I have to get up at 6.30 for work.
OH WHAT TO DO NEXT.

I mentioned work. cos normally when she has people to stay its muggins ere that gets kept awake all night. I am not sleeping well as it is without someone elses child keeping me even more awake.

He left because she wouldn't stop? See, there is the problem. He runs away from her because he can't say no and put his foot down. She knows she's going to get her way. He really needs counseling.

Debs, you need to do something to take care of yourself. Have you tried what Cahtty suggested? I can tell from your posts that you are losing it...and no wonder. Undfortunately,it sounds like you can't change her so you somehow have to change yourself and how you deal with her bad behaviour. Any suggestions ladies?

I agree with Dotsie and Chatty but still feel that this child needs counciling or possibly Dad needs some, to learn the best way to deal with her. His leaving isn't going to change her attitude and she needs an attitude adjustment and quick. At her age she is only going to get worse if something isn't done quickly.

Debs, are you okay and did you survive last night?

OH Yes I am fine thankyou. Been chillin and watching tv.
Shes not been to bad today, in fact shes done her laundry and been fairly pleasent. Not that I have shown too much interest. But I was at work from 7.50am till 3pm, so havnt been at home. I will keep you posted as to what s going on. Hubbies at work days for 2 days. So I have all 4 kids to deal with on my own. But I shall go out I think.

Deb darlin, as hard as it is show her NO REACTION what-so-ever. If she see's she can't get to you no matter what she does, SHE'S INVISIBLE remember? This bad attitude will change. You do have to make sure your husband does the same thing. It's alot like training a new puppy, when she's good tell her and reward her, BUT when she isn't ignore her totally.You can't chain her in the back yard actually but you can mentally, she won't know how to handle this. Good luck 'step-mom' and remember it isn't spelled, 'door-mat.'

[ August 22, 2005, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Alls been quiet on the brat front. Shes been pleasent to all around her, including me. But I havnt said anything back. I have either nodded or shook my head. Shes done all of her laundry, but is doing everyone elses as well. And thats been for the past 3 days. Both of the stepkids are back at their mothers tomorrow morning. How longs she gonna keep this up I wunder??

Maybe your husband had a talk with her?

Enjoy it while it lasts!

Oh ya know. I did have to laugh today. He came in from 12 hr days. I usually leave him for a bit to get settled home. I heard his daughter out with him so left him for a bit . She then went out, so I popped in to the kitchen to say hello. Ya know what he does?? Moans. "SOON as I walk in Deb, shes asking for bloody money, soon as I WALK IN, Can you beleive it"?? HAHAHAHA Erm Yep I can. I walked away chukling to myself. Rather funny. She didnt get any by the way.
Nice to see him getting the greif instead of me. REAP WHAT YA SOW matey reap what ya sow.

I hope this peace continues. Strange how she suddenly changed. Maybe she was threatened with being sent to her mom. I'm praying for you! You need the prayer and I need the practice.

Well shes due home soon. Hes collecting her from a friends. I still will not talk to her, and I will still make him deal with what hes made. Hes not liking it one bit.
And to top it all. And this is regarding his son. I was right AGAIN. For the past 18 months or so hes been on his xbox online, nonstop. When he was told to revise for his exams he didnt want to know, hes been on it so much that its affected my 8 year old because of the noise(his room comes from my boys room)Ya try and turn it off ya get a mouthful of grief. Well LOW AND BEHOLD. His exam grades were dreadfully poor. And he joined that school a grade A student. And walked away bearly scraping through. So again I was right. And noone(hubby) wanted to know, cos of the greif it would cause.
Well Hes being allowed to further his education. So I have told hubby that while his son stays in this house he will NOT have the xbox connected to the internet. He is too knuckle down and study. Hes got one last shot. Hubby says that hes gonna hide the real lead to the internet and put a dud one in. I TOLD him hes got to start being a man and a father, and tell his son the real reason the xbox aint goin on. Its our house he dunt like the rules he can go live with his mother, cos she can handle him more.
Thanks to all that helped with thier advice to me,much appreciated. Even my mums noticed I am more harder and tougher. Said its about time. I shall keep you posted on events.
Thanks again

Debs, why are these kids acting out? CAn you put your finger on it? SOunds like they are hurting as well.

I agree the X Box should be taken away. He should be told that when the grades get better, he can have his X Box for a certain amt. of time each day. We are the parents. We need to set the limits.

I really have no idea as to why they are acting like they do. Only COS Daddy has let them, is all I can figure.
As for his son, hes gone ballistic that hes not allowed to have the xbox on, right down to not wanting to sleep here. Hes coming back for dinner and then staying at Garys uncles house or his mums. He feels pushed out. But he hasnt mingled with the family for nearly 2 years. We bought tickets to go see Greenday. One of our fav bands, and his and stepdaughters. He was so excited. The 3 days before we are due to go, he doesnt want to come. He got moody cos we were going out yesterday cos we didnt tell him. But he didnt want to come. What else can we do. Tonight hes TOLD his dad he's not staying here. So why on earth is he coming back here, why cant he just go to his mums. He spends more time with her than he does us anyway.

Divorce produces delayed anger and fear responses in children. Those going through a divorce supress their emotions b/c they don't understand it - it is only until they begin to see the "big picture" that it hits them like a ton of bricks.

I would serious get her into some counseling to help her unravel all of her emotions. She's at that stage in her life where she is trying to figure out what just who she is independent of everyone - but needs some help overcoming the past as well as some real ground rules established with consequences re: her choice to "disrespect" and not be a responsible member of BOTH of her family environments.

Action steps:

Set guidelines, give consequences, follow through on the consequences (this isn't fun - but natural consequences are good life lessons and by enforcing "rules" you are giving her the consistency, structure and security that she is desiring.

Keep us posted.

Had a massive talk with her last week. And basically told her what I thought of her and her intolorant behavour. She really didnt like hearing the truth but she had to know. I told her that there is always someone bigger and better than her, and if she doesnt stop acting like she is she will get the wrong end of people, and will end up with nothing. And that her attitude will NEVER ger her anywhere in life. And if she thinks it will shes very much mistaken. As for the laundry situation, she really didnt like it when her stuff wasnt washed. But I said LOOK at it from my point of veiw, WHY SHOULD I do it with your attitude towards doing things, to help out. She understood. She also didnt like me ignoring her for 5 weeks as well. But I said that it had my life so much bareable. I told her that I would love to have had the mother/daughter relationship with her, that she certainly hasnt got with her mother. That made her think. Her mother and her have no relationship whatso ever. To the point of her not wanting her anymore, shes basically told us that she cant put up with her anymore and no longer wants her there, and can we have her.(NO COMMENT)So hopefully for our sake as well as hers, she listened to what I had to say, which was alot more than I have said. She needs to know that there are other people in this family, not just her. And that she cannt be the centre of attention, when there is a 5 and 8 yr old as well.

Debs, now why don't you go back and tell her what you like about her? Maybe you could send her a little card of encouragement. This is what she needs most. She needs love...