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#71196 - 09/07/05 01:14 AM Your input is appreciated
NatureGirl4444 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/05
Posts: 6
By the sound of the posting there is a huge resource here so I am writing my story of being a step-parent and hope to get some useful tips and encouragement.

I have been with my current partner for 1½ yrs. His son G who is now 4 has only been with us half time and the custody is not settled yet. For the first year we had G for 2 weeks and his mother then had him for 2 weeks. She is a very unstable person and very volatile. Often she would call asking us to take G because of various excuses. In January we moved to a different city and their case was heard before a judge who granted a 6 month interim arrangement for 4 months/4 months custody and at the end of the 6 months they were to come up with a more long-term arrangement. Just before the time was up the ex-wife decided to get a new lawyer so things have been hung up. She has informed us that she wants full custody. She has had 6 dif jobs since they split up and always financial problems and now G is starting to show behavioural problems with her. He is outgoing and respectful and alot of fun and listens and is polite with us. With her he has poor nutrition and is sick most of the time and he is disobidient and often is sad when we talk to him on the phone. This past May we have a new son A and G loves him so much and now always wants to talk to him on the phone.
This is so heart wrenching for me because I have no say in G's life. I love him as my own son and he even started calling me mommy (by his own choice) during the 4 months he was with us). The moment he got home with her, after she had a 'discussion' with him is now calling me K again. She is jealous and vindictive and selfish and is impossible to talk to.
Well, that's the abridged version. Tips welcome.
-K.

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#71197 - 09/07/05 03:07 AM Re: Your input is appreciated
Pattyann Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/05
Posts: 245
Loc: Ocala Florida
K-custody issues are so hard and full of game playing.
You need a good lawyer, you need documentation of the illnesses,it will be hard because unless you can prove abuse it usually goes to the mother no matter what it says under the law
If you get a sympathetic judge they might listen under the argument that yours is the more stable envirnment but I have seen it over and over- this will be a problem for you for the next 14 years
Love that little boy like you do and don't give up

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#71198 - 09/07/05 04:09 AM Re: Your input is appreciated
NatureGirl4444 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/05
Posts: 6
we can't afford a good lawyer, just a legal aid lawyer and they are so busy, it's been up in the air for the last year.

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#71199 - 09/07/05 04:42 AM Re: Your input is appreciated
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Maybe reverse psychology would work here. She is doing this to spite the two of you and hurt the marriage by causing stress. DO NOT put anything of this suggestion in writing but maybe your husband can speak with her and say (LIE HERE)he no longer wants the aggrivation of fighting over this boy since you have one of your own, so she can have him full-time, it is causing trouble in the marriage. I'll bet you after she hears that she will want you to share or give custody to your husband just for spite.....This is not anything you want in writing just in case and would be hear say from a spiteful ex wife in court so wouldn't count. This little fella is probably so confused with the poison you know she is spewing so if and when you see him, just love him and let him call you whatever he feels comfortable with until he is living with you. Most spiterful people end up spiteing themselves. This is just another take on your situation...Sometimes acting like you could care less is the best way to win....

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#71200 - 09/12/05 04:54 PM Re: Your input is appreciated
Lynn Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/03
Posts: 621
Loc: pennsylvania
K-
If you can-don't give up. he needs you. If the situation is as you have described, this little boy needs a voice. Maybe the judge will hear his voice?

Lynn

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#71201 - 09/12/05 06:10 PM Re: Your input is appreciated
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Have you done any online research? Perhaps there is a law firm that might answers some questions for you for free. I'd Google and see what you can find.

Whatever you do, keep loving this little guy.

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#71202 - 09/14/05 10:33 PM Re: Your input is appreciated
NatureGirl4444 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/05
Posts: 6
It's hard to know what kind of story his mother is going to tell the judge but hopefully he will see that we are a stable loving family and the better choice.
thx for your input so far.

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#71203 - 09/15/05 06:42 PM Re: Your input is appreciated
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Nature, I sure hope so. They should take the child's best interest to heart.

I hope you'll join us by jumping in some of the other forums.

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#71204 - 09/24/05 01:46 AM Re: Your input is appreciated
DallasGal Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/05
Posts: 218
Loc: Dallas, Texas
Wow, Naturegirl, I definitely know the tug-of-war you are re: your partner's stepson, as I have been the girlfriend then fiancee and then wife in a blended family with a stepdaughter.

I just have a few questions for you - you say that you are a stable family - but you are not married to G's Dad - why is that? Especially since you and G's Dad now have a child together? Having worked in law, that does not appear very stable of a situation to a judge.

Also, why did you move to another city? The most stable place to be with G would be in a place where he and his mom could be relatively close by. Just curious. Did your partner have a company relocation or was this just a choice you and he made together?

Having worked with blended families a lot - I can tell you that a 4 month custody arrangement with Mom and 4 month then with Dad is NOT in a young child's best interest. That does TERRIBLE things to a child's psyche and sense of security at such a tender age. I believe if I were your husband I would seriously rethink that.

Re: G's Mom - I think there is more to this picture than meets the eye. Were you part of G's parents divorce as the other woman? If you were - trust me, G's mom has every human reason to be upset and volatile under the circumstances and you should know that. Even if you were NOT the other woman, divorce healing takes time. I would recommend that both you and your partner as well as your partner's ex-wife (they are DIVORCED right?) get into Divorce CARE, a program set up to help people like yourselves who are going through a tough time with divorce. www.divorcecare.com

Any time a woman, especially a single mom, goes through a divorce it takes a good two to three years for the AVERAGE woman to get her feet back on the ground. I know many single moms who have had to switch many jobs b/c of circumstances that were not favorable for child care or for the best interest of her son. I personally do not know ANY single moms that have NOT struggled financially following a divorce. Divorce typically leaves a mom and kids at poverty levels while Dad moves on to another woman and seemingly is doing okay in his new life already put together.

Please be careful not to paint her as unstable or incompetent b/c your partner choose to pick her in his life and also choose to bring G into the picture with her and well, if she is all that bad - what does that say about your partner's choice in women?

This is not a popularity contest, Nature. This is a child's future. Divorce does crazy things to kids and when there is drawn out custody arrangements and horrible things are either said or implied in front of a child to poison them about the other parent - this does affect the child, even a 4 year old, on a very deep level. Even children younger than 4 go through acting out and acting up. It is completely unrealistic to think that they WOULDN'T experience these things. I would highly recommend you going to DHS or the equivalent in your area and seeking professional counseling for G. I also highly recommend a counselling technique called "Filial Play Therapy", as this is better suited for kids of G's age.

Re: change of lawyers - I'm not sure if I am getting this correctly - are you implying that G's mom did this to STALL the custody arrangements? Or could it be that she simply could not afford the lawyer she did have and financially speaking had to switch attorneys? As that happens alot in divorce proceedings. I know for a fact, as a typical divorce with children and custody issues will cost around $3000 - 5000 or MORE to litigate and usually cases with kids involve at least one if not two attorney changes. Such is the process of splitting apart what God put together.

K, please love G enough to wait until he is older to accept the title "Mommy". I would encourage you to read the book Stepwives : Ten Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Step-Mothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First by Louise Oxhorn,Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood I highly encourage any step mom who has the birth mom involved to VOLUNTARILY DEMOTE herself to a lesser position of "2nd Mom" "bonus mom" or use a foreign language word for "mother" like "Mimi" or something of the sort. Birthrights are not something that can be acquired along with quicky divorces and remarriages. They permanently belong to the birth mother. Please respect that and you'll see a different woman where the one you are seeing now is.

Also you did not mention how old you were, how old your partner is as well as how long your partner and his ex-wife were married before you came into the picture.

K, you said that your partner's ex-wife is "She is jealous and vindictive and selfish and is impossible to talk to."

From one stepmom's point of view who has walked miles both with myself and others in blended family - you are being unrealistic.

You have everything that she had and you think that she wouldn't have trouble dealing with that? Think like a WOMAN, K - a hurt, rejected and injured woman...and if you can't do that, then you have no business stepping into G's life or his Dad's life b/c you will end up hurting them more than you ever dreamed you possibly could. Think like a MOM, K - how you feel if the shoes were flipped and it was You and A trying to make a go out of it because your partner left you. It is possible you know and statistics say it is highly likely and probably that it will happen to you.

I know I might sound a little harsh, K, but seriously, this is about a child who has been affected and will continue to be affected without his choice by decisions that Mom and Dad and now you are making in his life.

Again, highly recommend counseling for everyone, also if G needs food - that is what state agencies are set up for, as well as local churches and multiple resources...let me know the area and I will promise you that I will get the contacts for your partner to approach WITH GRACE his former wife and child for the best interests of all.

Don't criticize where you haven't walked, K, or else you are certain relive the say fate as the injured.

Call it God, Fate - Karma, what you do and how you act does come back to you in greater measure that what you gave.

Be a blessing to G's mom, K...it's not about who's better, who's worse, who's right or who's wrong.

It is about a child, name G.

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#71205 - 09/24/05 02:25 AM Re: Your input is appreciated
DallasGal Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/05
Posts: 218
Loc: Dallas, Texas
K, with Divorces that involve children - sometimes the wisdom of Solomon is needed - which is what Chatty referenced earlier - but I would recommend that you and your partner seriously rethink a few things and make sure what you are doing is about truth, honesty and for the best interest of G, because anything else WILL boomerang and come back to you in ways that you did not wish - with or without writing.

One. Move back. Give G both his Dad and his Mom on a more consistent basis without the long time spans between and you and A will be a bonus. There are jobs to be had anywhere, trust me. God will make a way; we just make mistakes.

Two. Be the better person. If G's mom is just having trouble supporting G financially be certain it is not something your partner is helping to create or contribute to by not giving fair and equitable child support to meet the child's needs. Make sure she is receiving equitable child support and that she is being provided every possible resource - state funded programs, child health care, etc. - to ensure that G is being taken care of. There is too much out there available for ANY child to go without. You and your partner's job is make sure that NO MATTER what, G is provided for. It doesn't matter if it is not "your turn" - this is a child who can't get out there and do better for himself than what is being done for him.

By being the better person, it may require you and your partner to use the wisdom of Solomon. Back in the day, Solomon - a very aged/ancient wise King had two women come to him. One woman didn't have rights to a child, but the other woman did. Both claimed rights to the child. Solomon seeing that he wasn't going to get anywhere with these two broads, decided to test a mother's true love. He called out to a nearby soldier and said "Okay, I know what to do - I'll just cut this child in half and you can have half and then you can have half...then maybe the two of you can switch off to visit the other half." (paraphrase). The mother without rights thought this was a great idea - she would fight to the end of the child for rights to this child. The mother WITH rights was horrified and dissolved into tears and with every ounce of strength she could muster, having lost so much of her dream already, told Solomon to give the boy to the other woman. "I'd rather have him alive than living dead and in pieces". Solomon then took the child in his arms and cradled him - he knew that ONE woman had made the right decision. Then he placed the baby boy into the arms of his BIRTH mother, the woman with rights, and they went their way.


K, 4 month/4 month visitation cannot continue, you do realize that, right? That is dividing G. - Splitting him in half, into two parts/two worlds that could never seem whole to him and will always seem more part dead, than more alive. Does that make sense at all? That is detrimental to a child's sense of security and stability. If you can't move back - which I believe that you all could - then I would highly recommend letting G's mom have full custody. In doing so, you will not sacrifice this child on the alter of the court - and put G through what I've heard called "Custodial Rape", a violation of the child's rights to feel safe, comforted and secure.

By stepping back, and not wanting the picture perfect family you imagined that you would have with G's Dad - you will be giving G what he deserves to have: Two biological parents who can work together for his best interests, not fighting over him, and you and A as a BONUS and a blessing in his life.

Just my opinion...as a bystander to your situation.

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