Okay, I don't know if I can keep this as short as I'd like...I typed into Google search "my stepson is going to kill me" and found this site, a reference to an old post from 2004.

I have been in this boy's life for nearly 10 years. He lives with his father and has since he was 3. He no longer has visits with his mother, as his mental health was deteriorating drastically due to her incredibly chaotic life. She sees him about twice a year here at our house. We don't want her to but she does pretty much stay out of the picture.

S has fetal alcohol syndrome and very serious attachment issues, as well as ADHD and some sensory issues. He's 14 now.

I have struggled with my poor behaviour for years in dealing with him. I have improved a great deal but he has not. It doesn't matter to him how I behave but it's healthier for me and my blood pressure to not react the way that I used to. And I have realized too that it doesn't matter that it's "me", he would treat any stepmother this way due to his anger issues with his own mother...and that I've taken his father's attention away from him. This boy is so difficult to live with.

He is one of the most difficult people to live with, you have no idea. He is miserable when he isn't doing whatever he wants to do. If he doesn't like something, no matter what it is, you don't know what will happen. He is under strict supervision 99% of the time because he lies, steals, and cannot control his impulses.

But the serious thing that is happening right now is the death threats that he's made to two different kids at school. And yesterday was the first time that I became "afraid" of him. I got a look that you would not believe, one that no one in my 39 years has ever given me. His father agrees that he's dangerous and is a danger to others and that I should not get him angry over things that are not that important, such as me telling the boy not to use my garden cart for what he was using it for (he always, always, always uses my things without asking and then uses them not for their intended purpose and I'm tired of it). I got that look over him not asking me to use the cart? Why the h*ll should I let him use my things when he is never, never, never nice to me unless there is a meal involved?? And that is the honest to God truth!

Our whole house is like a prison to his moods, his disabilities, his whatever. I can separate what his disabilities are versus his mean-spirited stuff that is vicious.

I am so afraid that this boy will kill me that I am almost crippled with the fear this morning. I woke up far too early and started thinking about it and couldn't get back to sleep.

What do you do in this type of a situation? I feel that if he even remotely senses fear or hears me vocalize this, he'll have power over me and with him...it's all about control.

Bubbles.....You are sitting on a powder keg!
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome can not be cured.....and I've seen it happen where what you fear has come true.
I see you're from Washington State also.
It happened in our state many years ago.
I'm originally from Northern Calif. and it also happened in my home town.
Please......get some outside help.
I'm sure there is someone here at BWS that knows much more about this than myself.
All I can do is welcome you to BWS, and I know you will get help from these wonderful women.
Lynne

I know that FAS can't be cured. There isn't much we can do. I'm in contact with his therapist, we've done everything that we can since he was seven years old. I have advocated for special ed, for mental help, hospitalizations, respite, everything. Though some have lessened behaviours, I think that the underlying mean in him, is just there.

I'm telling his father when he gets home that the two of them are going to have to come up with a plan for awhile. I have to have a break from being responsible for anything that has to do with Shawn. I'm so sick of his crap that I don't even want to look at him and that isn't very nice at all to say but it's how I feel.

Shawn blames me for everything so I suggest that I do NOTHING and see how it all compares. I'll guarantee you, he won't like that either.

How does a woman live every day where you can see and hear from a child that they blame you for literally everything? Wouldn't that wear on someone? And he wants to kill ME? Should be the other way around!!

If you know and can prove that a person is a danger to themselves or others, you can have them committed to an institution where they are dealt with by professionals. Would your husband do this?

If he has no impulse control, there is nothing to stop him from acting on his violent thoughts and feelings toward you or others. I know you'd also hate that he hurt another kid at school and it could have been prevented.

I'm really sorry you're in the middle of this very scary situation but I'm also really glad you found us. Please be careful and stay safe.

I won't claim to know anything about FAS but you are sitting on a powder keg--and if isn't you who sets it off it could be an innocent child or teacher at school. You need to report this to the authorities ASAP--before you are having to answer to a lot of other people. If the parents at Columbine or any of those other school shootings had done something radical with their children a lot of lives could have been saved. It might be hard to do, but you could save a lot of lives--perhaps even your stepson's. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Bubbles,

Your best bet is to use Tough Love with Shawn.
If, he steals from you press charges, if he threatens you press charges. When he threatens the other kids at school...have the school press charges.
If, your afraid for your life and he has threatened you..press charges, have them haul him away to juvenile hall, a mental facility, etc. wherever.
When you press charges against him a court date will be set. When you get in front of the judge tell him about his behavior at home, school, etc.
Court will see to it that therapy, medicine, etc. is mandatory for him.

My son was just about the same way at the age of 14.
All of us were scared, of his antics, his treats of suicide and hurting others.

If, you let him get by with all of this it will only get worse.
Any threat...large or small call the police have them come out. If, you are afraid for you life have them haul him off.
The longer he gets away with it, the worse it gets.
You will be showing Shawn how much you care about him by calling. He just doesn't know it right now.

Make your husband see this! It's the only way.
Get the court behind you.

All very good advise above, Now follow through before this child makes his threats a reality. He sounds like one of the hopeless for whatever reason and you need to worry now about the innocent ones he might harm, including yourself. Get him committed and some care if not help. This situation just makes my heart hurt. Do something now and if his father does not agree, do it anyway....just do something.

Shawn has been in psych facilities and also in a home for four months two years ago. It is always nice when he isn't here...I have disengaged a great deal the last couple of days. His therapist has recommended that he have a threat assessment; just wonder how much that will cost. Hopefully our insurance will cover it. The insurance that we have is pretty good but who knows...

Dad is handling things with him, other than what he can't do with being at work when the kids are getting up and off to school.

I'm focusing on other things right now, having the school contact his father and leaving me out of things. I'm going to see his therapist alone, as she works often with just dad and I without Shawn there, as Shawn doesn't particularly contribute anything constructive to discussions of his behaviours. I have to let her know what I feel about things without dad there to hear, as I really don't want to hurt him. He and I do talk about the seriousness of how dangerous Shawn is, or could be, but I don't think that he can deal with putting him out of the house if it came down to it. He has had his own issues as a boy with his father and his stepfather; abandoned by one and beaten continually by the other. His stepfather blamed him for the death of one of my husband's sisters, and then also said that my husband should have died instead. We think that the stepfather was sexually abusing the little girl and when she died, he couldn't handle it so took it out on my husband. Two years after that, however, stepfather died. Too late however, the damage was done and my husband's never dealt with the pain from this.

I'm too strong a woman to have this defeat me/us.

Good for you bubbles...you are headed in the right direction!

There is NOTHING easy about dealing with a situation like this!

danita

Bubbles...he will have to deal with Shawn sooner or later. Can't allow him to hurt others or himself.
Sounds as if he is in need of some behavior modification.
Shawn must have done well in the psych facility and home if they released him home, after just 4 months. So, he evidently knows how to get what he wants. If, that's the case your going to need the tough love.
Is he on medication? Court can order therapy and if necessary medication, (also, to make sure he takes it daily).
It's not a punishment, might just be his only shot. Tough Love is easier said than done...but, it's the only thing that seems to work with these kids. My heart goes out to you.
Was the only saving grace for my son...he was totally out of control.

He takes meds...risperdal, adderall xr, strattera, and something to help him sleep. He's been on meds for years.

Tough love is good, for typical kids who "get it". Shawn does not understand the cause/effect stuff. He is so highly impulsive, it will make him dangerous in years to come. If not sooner. I sound like I'm defending but I'm not. I just don't recall what I've said and haven't said. LOL You kind of get lost in the shuffle.

For instance, he had his CD player stolen today at school. He has been told that he can only use it to soothe himself on the spec ed bus that picks him up. But he has been resistant to giving it up the remainder of the day (he's included in a few regular ed classes) and he wants to be like the other kids, who really aren't supposed to have them either but the school bends on this issue. I guess some parents don't mind replacing stolen CD players but we have no intention of doing it ~ we only bought it three months ago for him for his birthday.

He has had an at-risk youth petition on him four years ago and spent three days in jail because he mouthed off to the judge at a contempt hearing. He didn't get it ~ he was just shooting off his mouth.

It's really sad though, he said he'd rather live in a foster family than with us, who care too much about what he does. It's the attachment stuff; he doesn't trust anyone and his immediate response to when that surface trust is broken is rage. Not really good prediciton for law-abiding citizen, is it?

I just feel like we're kind of stuck with him until he's 18 and then he's unleashed on the world. I guess we can be thankful that he hasn't figured out that he can go out to the bus stop and disappear, not actually go to school. But he does. We might not be so lucky when he heads off to high school next school year.

Interestingly enough...despite him knowing that I was distancing myself from him the last few days, he called me when his CD player was stolen. I guess he trusts me more than he realizes, or is willing to admit and I guess that is a good thing. "I" have been the one that has been honest to him, never bulls#$%%$# him on things. Both of his parents have; I don't sugarcoat at all. I wasn't raised that way. In some way, I think that he appreciates that.

[ January 20, 2006, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Bubbles, you hit on an important popint that many of us don't understand. Some children don't grasp the consequences for their behavior, or they grasp it, but can't control themselves.

Why don't you check with the doctors about his meds. Perhaps there is another mix that would help control his anger. I don't know much about medications, but I know enough to realize that sometimes medications can trigger certain personality traits. Have you spoken with his doctor lately about having his medicine changed?

My son had ODD,(opposite defiant disorder) ADHD/ADD.

He's 26 now and has grown out of his outbursts and wild behavior.
Back then.. he was building bombs in his room and threatening sucide everyday. Threatening to cut everyone's throat while we slept...so typical is not what I called him.
His medicine was court ordered...but after reaching 18 he went off all medicine and hasn't gone back.

He does have a hard time staying focused with work, and nomally isn't with a job longer than 3-6 months at a time...refuses to even think about med's.

About 2 years ago he started a fight with his sister and threatened her...she refused to press charges...so I put him out of the house for nearly a year and a half.
No...problems since...everyone in this house knows you mind your p's and q's or the police will be called and you will go to jail.
We accept no calls for bail money. Just the way it is.

Dotsie, had a good idea about the medication. Wouldn't hurt to check...sometimes med's just stop being effective.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Bubbles...Your safety is very important!

You mentioned earlier that he said he would "rather live with a foster family". Which is probably being said just to make you wrong. But perhaps there is an Agency in your area that could arrange a foster family (or something similar) situation for him. Sometimes being in a totally different environment can bring changes for the better. I would definitely check that the medication he is on is actually doing him good.

You have taken the responsibility to take care of him this long, which in my opinion is very courageous.

Now you need to put yourself first

I see, Sami, that you live in Montreal. I love that city. I used to live in Northern New York State, about 1.5 hour south of Montreal. We used to travel there about twice per year and wander the old city mostly. What a beautiful place and what great memories I have. I now live near Seattle, WA.

As for Shawn...yes, I think that his meds need to be increased but one of them is one that can contribute to him developing diabetes, especially when he steals sweets and such. I am hesitant to increase that med. The other one needs to be increased because he's grown so much in the last year and a half and it's based on weight. But unfortunately, that is the one that only controls impulses, not anger. The one that can lead to diabetes (and liver damage) is the one for rage.

I've thought about foster homes, trust me. I do believe that he could/would hit one of us with not a second thought. His father does not. I did tell dad that if it comes down to that, he needs to be out of the house. Dad doesn't think that will ever happen. He's burying his head in the sand, that's for sure! But I think that he's one of those people, too, that don't speculate on things that haven't happened. He deals with things when they're real. Men tend to do that ~ women plan ahead more. Therapist has explained that to him, why I worry and she has explained to me why he doesn't do things the way that I would, like supervise his own child! LOL

Are any of you step-parents? I'm assuming you are, as you're responding in this area. Do you have issues like this or just the typical rivalry of stepkids and the interloper, as we're so often referred to?

Bubbles
I feel for you as I live the same life eveyday with my stepson. He has ADHD and anger management probles. He lives in the home with us as well as 3 other kids. I have never been so affraid in my life and thought I was the only one. Till a friend of mine sent me to this form. I hope all works out for you as I pray for myself and kids not to be harmed by him. I really dont know what to do with him anymore. But my prayers are with you as well as anyone who has to live this life..

It's not getting a whole lot better. Here is some of an email from Shawn's teacher yesterday:

Some information was relayed to me today regarding comments
that Shawn made on Friday, January 13th when I had a substitute. I want
to update you on this. This is second hand information coming to me.
Therefore, I am not sure about specific details or language and the
person relaying the information could not remember specific language or
comments either. In response to hearing conversation about his goals and
privileges, Shawn made comments about being able to get a gun anytime
that he wanted to. He also mentioned emptying clips into people and
being able to shoot people. I was told that the comments were not
directed at one person. Please let me know if you have any questions or
information.


This is our life with this child. My daughter, who never swears was calling him an a-hole the other night and telling me that she didn't want to live here anymore! This is just over the top this week. Shawn told me the other night that if I let him do whatever he wants, he would be a better stepson to me. His father let him have it which I was very pleased to see. I saw Shawn's therapist on Monday and it helped, although it's kind of like a freaking death sentence living with him and hoping to no end that something happens and he's removed from the home. Honestly, I may end up making a DSHS call today or encourage my daughter to tell someone at school that she fears for her life. Why can't someone see what we're going through?!

If we were wealthy, he'd be in a residential program, I assure you. If we were poor, we could get the state to help us. But because we make a fairly good living, we're screwed. He needs to be out of our home but our hands our tied. Unless he commits a crime. That's pretty much the way that it is.

Cringing again... every time, I read about Shawn in your posts...brings back so many memories.

I have to say this again, only because I have gone through this kind of behavior and know what worked for us.

If, you have any love for these children what so ever... every time they threaten someone's life, or their own...call the police and press charges. So, surprised the school didn't call the police and report this behavior. Why didn't they??? It's not too late.

If, you have guns in your home...I would suggest they are under lock and key, or completely taken out of the home.

Shawn's therapist doesn't have to live in your home, with him.
You can be charged for not protecting the other children in your home, if Shawn chooses to harm them.

We were not wealthy either, when my son was acting out. In fact what savings we did have was spent on the care he did receive. Just having him receiving the help, plus him and us both being safe was a big relief.

Press charges...go to court...tell the judge you are all afraid for your lives...someone else is not going to do it for you...you are the one who love them...even though it's hard to see that love right now. Call the police about any and all threats, etc.
Don't wait until they harm themselves or another.

Lostforwords...please go back and read the posts in this forum. Buy the book, "Tough Love" and read it from cover to cover. I pray you both find the help you need, before someone is hurt.

I know our area has the Tough Love support group....find out if it's available in your area. Might be through the area church's etc, sure the police dept. could head you in the right direction.

[ January 27, 2006, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: yepthatsme2 ]

Bubbles, you've received good advice here, now take it!!! No one knows what goes on behind closed doors in someone elses home unless they bring it out into the open. Now if he shoots everyone then the media gets involved. Don't wait to be a statistic.

[ January 29, 2006, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Bubbles you haven't been around and I can only hope nothing bad has occured. Please jump in and let us know how you are and the situation at home....been praying for you all.

Hi...been thinking about writing over the last week but I don't know where the time has gone.

Nothing "bad" has happened per se; however, Shawn was suspended from school for 45 days and guess who has been with him constantly since then? He brought a knife to school, one that he obviously stole, and was flashing it around. He had the threat assessment done and it is not good. He is being recommended by that doctor and by the family therapist to be removed from the home. We went to CWS to go through the process of a CHINS petition for an out-of-home placement. They decided that as he is so "special", they won't do the CHINS; they are going to place him in a facility in foster care until he's 18. That's 3.5 years. I don't think that he gets that yet ~ but he will.

Today, I'm rather short-tempered with him. I just am tired of his sour disposition, he doesn't speak and when he does it's like snake venom. Oddly, since we left CWS, he has been voluntarily helpful and much more polite. Doesn't mean that I'm particularly fond of his company, however. It's just been too long doing this that I have no tolerance for him much. It sounds like I go off on him all the time ~ quite the opposite. The no tolerance comes in powerful ignoring skills that didn't exist before.

Also, we're doing an involuntary placement on him and we're not having success in getting a bed. This will happen this week, I'm sure. It is my goal to have him held there until he goes into the facility that they choose ~ it's a long process to wait but oh well...

Off to do a supervised visit... at least I'm getting out for a bit by myself.

I'll check back in later.

I don't know where he will be placed at this point. He could go anywhere in the state but as for visiting him? You know, this sounds really harsh but he has lived in one of these places for four months a couple of years ago and we were heading there two and three times per week. I don't think that we will do this at all, this time. I suppose we could visit all the time but we have no intention of doing so this time around. We have to draw the line somewhere. And of course, that is if he's relatively close to us. He could be placed in Spokane or somewhere and that's a five hour drive. Doubt we'll be doing that very often.

Friends who care? Not sure. He has a "girlfriend" and a friend who is a girl. He's got guys who are cronies of a sort. But all of these kids are in that group and they enable each other, drama, "emo" as they call it now, cutting and such, don't know if they're drinking or not, but Shawn has threatened to kill the one friend who is a girl and I thwarted the efforts of him to have sex with his "girlfriend". Right now, that is not an issue that he needs to be dealing with so I stopped that little number.

I'm turning 40 this year ~ I want to begin to have a bit of a better life. I think that I deserve it.

No argument there Bubbles. You've been fighting a war of sorts and now that the battle is nearly over you deserve a furlough...I wouldn't visit him very often even if he were down the street. He made his bed and needs to lay in it ALONE to be able to realize its lonely out there when you are a nonconformist....take care!

We just left him at the hospital where he will be transported to the psych hospital for a 72-hour hold. There will be a hearing in Seattle on Thursday that I will need to appear at. This will make the hospital stay longer and hopefully until we can get him into a CLIP bed, as soon as possible. But Shawn can be held for up to 180 days at this hospital. :sigh:

We didn't even say good-bye, we just left. I have no intention of visiting him either and I know that his father has already said that, too.

Now we prepare for Thursday.

Dear Bubbles: First, I want to say "welcome to BWS". Sorry I'm late.

Second, I applaud you for taking care of this young men so far and for seeking help.

If he is so dangerous, it isn't worth risking the whole family or others in school, etc. Also, there is only so much stress that your body can handle. In the long run, your body is most likely to suffer the consequences of that stress overload.

Please take measures that will ensure safety for the whole family.

You are a brave and courageous woman! God bless you in your efforts to help him and the whole family as well. I'll keep you all in my prayers.

Thanks for your support ~ when I keep looking at some of the things that we believe that he's developing into (as in mental illness), it shows some indication that the parenting styles can cause a child to not feel validated, worthy, etc. His biomom, who lost any custodial rights three years ago, was not a parent, she was more of a buddy. I am a strict parent, his father isn't, and perhaps in some way, I have created something in him that might not have been there. But I do believe that he didn't start off right and most of his behaviours were there long before I met him.

I will never approve of the stealing, the lying, the violence, and it isn't my fault that he has a poor memory and I have to remind him of so many things, and if he feels inadequate because of his poor memory, that isn't my fault. He said yesterday in the ER that he wasn't going to change, he would never participate in therapy of any kind and EFF you, he didn't care what anyone said or thought. He is very, very angry.

I now have to prepare for the hearing on Thursday.

Bubbles, you probably feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders.

Do you think he feels relief?

I think we should all pray that someone touches his heart while he is there and awakens him to a different way of life. Perhaps they can get his medication regulated so he can live a more stable life.

I'm glad he's in a safe place.

Oh, pardon my ignorance, but what is a CLIP bed?

Children's Longterm Inpatient Placement...or something of the sort. He's been in one before for four months ~ this time, it will be much, much longer.

Bubbles. I am so glad you got him into a safe place, and that you will now have some freedom to create your own life.

I believe people can change, he might just have some kind of realization about life while he's there that can turn him around. I'm convinced you did the right thing for all concerned.

I replied earlier in this thread and just found it again. You mentioned that you had visited Old Montreal (where I live) and that you enjoyed it. I wanted to tell you that they have build up the Port area and it's now a beautiful park with every kind of entertainment you can imagine. But it still has the "olde world" charm of the cobble stone streets etc.

Suggestion: Make this your year. Make a list of a few things you've always wanted to do and do them.

[ March 14, 2006, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: sami ]

Bubbles, welcome to the forum. My heart goes out to you! I know a little about what you have been going through as my own daughter is in jail right now and her behavior was violent and she seethed with anger for a number of years.

I've done some interesting research about the development of the human brain from birth until about the age of 20-23. The interesting thing is that the frontal lobe of the brain doesn't fully develop until the early 20's. The frontal lobe is the area of the brain that controls impuplsiveness and the ability to make wise choices. They lack the ability to discern long term consequences. We can basically "hold them to the line" behavior wise, but until that development happens and the training plus the maturity takes place, they are loose cannons.
It sound like you have gone way beyond what anyone would have done and are the stability the boy has needed.
Any chance he can escape?? Please guard yourself and your family. If he is that angry and full of rage, he really is lethal.

Bubbles, my heart goes out to you, too. It's a tough time you are having and I hope you are doing things to take care of yourself.

I don't know how we handle these kids. There seem to be more and more of them. Expecting parents to have all the answers is unreasonable. These aren't "normal" situations.

Bubbles, thanks for doing what you are doing to protect everyone, including yourself.

Any chance he can escape?? Please guard yourself and your family. If he is that angry and full of rage, he really is lethal. [/QB][/QUOTE]

No, no chance he can escape ~ he's in a locked facility with every door and hallway locked up tighter'n'a'drum. We haven't seen him since last Saturday; he called last Monday and was very nasty to me. I have no desire to see him until Tuesday when we have our hearing to hopefully have him authorized to stay another 180 days. That will overlap to when he's moved to a CLIP facility. That will be locked, too.

Now, he claims that we haven't taught him anything about how to behave and to do the right things. Suddenly, now that he realizes that he can't get out without a court order, he's going to participate in therapy? Yeah right. He's going to listen and do the things that we ask for and want? yeah right.

Bubbles, Now that he is out of your life for a bit, what self-care can you put in place? Pedicure? Massage? Long walk in nature? (although if your nature up there is anything like what we have down here, it's pretty stormy!) A good book? Movie? Lunch with a friend?

Important stuff for surviving this type of thing over the long haul.

You know, I think that is how I've managed to live this long through my whole life, but especially when it gets really bad. I learned to take time for myself. I also work out of my home, so it's great until he's suspended for 45 days!! LOL I do take pretty good care of myself and some days I just sit and do nothing! For a long time early on in this, I would ignore "me"...blood pressure would just soar, I was angry all the time...I realized I was letting him control me and I had to learn to walk away. So, I started taking those little things for myself. He doesn't own me.

Good for you!!!!

My ex husband knew a married couple up in Minnesota before he moved here to Nevada. He described the woman as sickly, always in and out of the doctors office. He said she probably wouldn't last long and existed on pills. A year later the husband died suddenly. The following summer we drove up there and found her the picture of health. She said her health began to improve a week after they dropped him into the hole and she was off all medication within a month. Its 11 years later and she has vacationed every year to some more exotic place and is said to be the bell of the ball wherever she goes. I asked her once will she ever marry again? She laughed and said NOPE, had that disease already and was cured.....So you see stress is really a killer and no bad marriage is worth that....

Didn't some of you women notice a feeling of relief and peacefulness after your divorce was finally over? Like being able to take a huge cleansing breath of fresh air.

I'm waiting for that to happen.
I've been told I will be emotionally and physically so much better off, that I will feel like a new woman.
WHEN!!!
I'm in the middle of getting my house ready to sell, and I'm just worn out.
I hope when I find "my home" I will finally feel at peace with myself.
After 41 years of verbal abuse and trying to please a man who never loved me, I'm looking forward to "liking myself."
Lynne

I bet you are going to love your new digs. Everything in there will be a reflection of you and you will find peace! There will be less reminders of your aggravations and frustrations with him. I bet what gets you going are the reminders of him. Do away with them.