Thanks for all your comments. I have been to counseling and pretty much have determined I am not in the right place. We have been together almost 8 years. We were great the first few years. We were both getting divorced so the support was life saving. Now that is way over, my mom passed away suddenly in 2004 leaving me in shambles, trying to financialy and emotionally get 2 kids thru college. You know the 2 live cheaper than 1? Well that is our story. I love him, but I am so worn out by his ridiculous outlook with his kids and general lack of respect for my emotions. I'm not perfect, menepausal, thyroid problems. I had to get on this board so feel secure enough to know that I was not crazy, he is so closed minded. I have thought often about leaving, but its not easy....I did it once and I don't regret it, but the emotional tourmoil nearly killed me.sigh...very complicated

Bonnie, Can you get back into counseling? Or find a close friend, religious leader or coach? Sounds like you need more support. A financial planner or credit counselor might be someone else you could turn to.

There's lots of support out there. That's why this forum is so great because it reminds us that we are not alone and it's o.k. to ask for help.

Oh girl, do I have input on this subject! This is after 13 years of this nonsense and after our beautiful Leigha on this site helped me realize some things of great importance.

1.) You're right...wives don't compete and there is only a competition if all involved play that game. Don't play it. Remove yourself from their game. Emotionally detach and stay that way.

2.) Men with kids from another marriage feel they are caught in the middle when it's them who has put themselves in that position. They aren't mature enough to realize it's okay to be a husband and father at the same time. They've drawn a line that keeps them attached to the kids and you the outsider.

3.) They have had a certain energy with their kids and when you entered the picture, you disrupted that energy. This is why you are the outsider. It makes them uncomfortable to have someone join in that energy so the only way they know how to keep you out is to repeat this behavior because so far, it's worked.

4.) I've learned that most men won't listen to repeated arguments, nagging or harping. So try this: Point out a very valid and honest opinion about the daughters and then, back away and don't mention it again. Normally, it will seep in and the kids actions will prove you right. But, these men have to see it for themselves and they won't, out of stubborness, until we stop pointing it out. Example: It breaks my heart that your daughters won't ever get to experience a real life because they've been given so much, they will believe it's owed to them and they are so special, it's a shame. No attacking, resentment or blame.

5.) This is what I had to do to protect my own sanity. I decided that my children/grandchildren and husband were my family and I was happy with that. My husband worked overtime to be certain I was the outsider where he and his kids were involved until I decided that was okay by me. I would stay away and he could enjoy them anytime he wanted to (and I want him too) but I don't have to be a part of it because I don't go where I'm not liked or welcome. I even said seperate holidays and vacations were fine with me. I did this because I was the one who always ended up being shunned or hurt and I like myself enough to not do that anymore.

I stopped asking for special treatment that would only result in being hurt again where his kids were concerned (airport ride). I protected my spirit and took charge of my own life and stopped expecting to come first. Told him I knew I never would, never had been and I couldn't make him grow up and be a husband. Those words and those actions were what finally got through. Today, I come first.

I hope this helps because I know how you feel and how much pain and frustration are involved. We did the counseling thing and it really only helped temporarily. Some things just have to be lived out. Let me know if you have any other questions because girl, I'm here for you.

Dianne,
Sorry this took so long to reply. Life...
Thanks so much for your insite. Its alot easier to understand if you live it. I have tried some of what you have suggested, but never really committed to it. One thing though...he wants me part of the group when they are around. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don't. I don't when I come up with excuses or really am busy. Last nite he tore me up because the nite before we went to his cousins house and his kids were there. I had had just a horrible few days at work and tried my best to pull myself together and be human. Well...obviously I was not nice enough. When I said I was going to call his cousin and asked if I was rude, he backed down. It was about his kids again and as usual like it usually is, they fill his head with nonsnese like what is wrong with Bonnie , she must not like us crap. He won't tell them the truth so he makes excuses for me.
I am so glad your husband saw the light. I don't know if I have the emotional fiber much longer.
Thanks

Okay, tip # 6 comes into play.

6.) Tattling and listening to tattling are not acceptable. "If you feel it's honoring me and our relationship to talk about me or allow me to be talked about in this manner (behind my back and in a negative tone) then, do it on your own but never repeat it to me because I'm not the least bit interested...and, (insert his name here) I'm extremely disappointed in you for doing this. It's very hurtful." And Bonnie, stick to your guns on this. If he starts doing it--remind him! "Oh, I guess you don't remember that I won't listen to this."

Another thing. He's either for you or against you and tell him that. Sometimes, they need a lot of reminders to finally get it.

Dianne, thanks so much for jumping in with all the excellent advice. You go girl! I'm so glad you are on the other side of this battle. Hopefully, with your advice, Bonnie soon will be too!

Merci, great leader.

Post deleted by Dotsie

Say more, hot flash. What makes you believe they will find a way to make you miserable? Would your presence at the wedding be an addition or a detractor to the celebration? Do you want to go, or do you feel obligated to go? What would be the consequences of going or not going?

I try hard to only go where I feel I will be welcome. There were times, in a former life, oh, sooooo very long ago, that I felt if I was invited, I had to go. Then I would go and be miserable. Of course, I made others miserable, too.

Not anymore! If I feel that I am wanted, because I am a loved member of the group, then I go. If not, I would rather be home with a good movie alone.

I think she's afraid of being shunned and treated like an outsider. When the oldest SS got married, I was included in the wedding by being given a rose just like the two moms, as part of the ceremony. I had some of my friends there too so I hung with them. It can really be a very uncomfortable time. I lost seven pounds before the wedding just from dreading it. I did, however, look great in my dress!