Oh my I am so excited to find this forum!

My significant other and I have been together almost 8 years. His daughters are now 20 & 22. Their mother is extremely wealthy and has spoiled them so badly, that I can barely breath when I am around them. There values are completely warped. They are both like little Paris Hiltons. Dad does not help. He lets them get away with everything, makes excused for them and thinks they are both queens and I should embrace them because they breathe. He asked me help one of them get a summer job, then later finds out that she has so many summer trips planned that she can't commit to a full summer. Fathers day: I went to visit my dad out of town. Because he wanted to "spend the day with his daughters, he would not move his dinner reservation up a half hour. That is all that would have needed to be adjusted to be able to pick me up at the airport. He wouldn't do it. Told me to take a cab. Not that I cannot do it, but please give me a break. My travel experience on that trip was so bad that I called him again and asked him to move his reservation to pick me up, I was so stressed. He said no...

Help!

First of all, Welcome to the site BonnieK. This is the place to express yourself---for sure!

WOW! Your "significant other" is something else when it comes to his girls. Now, it could be worse. He could totally ignore them---be a dead beat dad---and then what would you think of him? My daughter has a father like that and it breaks both of our hearts.

I'm curious....what attracted you to him and why did he and his ex break up? If it's too personal, you don't have to answer. But I believe some people always put their "best foot forward" until you get to know them---and then LOOK OUT!

Peace & Blessings,
Beverly Mahone
Author, WHATEVER! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age

Seems this isn't the first BWS post about choosing children over spouses in step-parenting situations. Do you think he just feels guilty ?

Dotsie, you are right, he is so guilty and has no reason to. What attracted me to him initially was what a great dad he was. My ex was a an awful father. I also knew him in my other life (first marriage). I felt safe, he knew my kids, he even knew my ex ( I knew his too. We were also getting diovrced at the same time. Misery loveds company. His ex divorced him mostly because of money. He lost is job about 10 years into the marriage. Her father is very wealthy and helped finance his new business. The ex continued to work. The business failed and so did the marriage. So he is broke and Daddy kept filtering money to her. He knows how spoiled and badly behaved they are, but for some reason is so guilt ridden, he just puts up with it. And as far as I go, I'm really down on the food chain. It makes it almost impossible to like these kids. And of course, I'm the bad guy. Any advice?

[ June 26, 2006, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: BonnieK ]

BonnieK, my second ex had a beautiful daughter only about 8 years younger than me. He was 22 years my senior. She was spoiled rotten, lived in Newport Beach with a wealthy man and she was daddys girl. She came to our home to visit and decided she wanted all daddys attention and wanted only he and she to go out to dinner. I said to him, "go and keep on going pal. I am your family now, your wife and don't take second place to anyone." He told his daughter that either we all go or she can eat alone. I told her that I would go grocery shopping and be gone a couple of hours so she could spend private time with her dad. She and I became okay friends, but I believe they'll treat you the way you allow them to treat you, the husband and the kids....

[ June 26, 2006, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Chatty,

I understand what you are saying. What could I have done? Given him an ultimatum? Either pick me up or we are finished? I have put my foot down on many things, but he doesn't get it.

I kind of know what you're going through Bonnie. My 2nd x had 2 children, 11 & 14 and I moved into their house. They were very resentful that I used my things, rather than theirs. They didn't want me to change anything in the home and always felt like a visitor. I couldn't even move a picture. It was such a relief to get out.

Are there any other relationship problems in your situation? Your husband needs to understand that the children will benefit more if he puts you first, then you will be filled up and therefore better able to love his children. 2 is better than 1. Any hope for couple counseling?

Daisygirl

He (we are not married, but very intertwined financially) and I have lots of problems...and he won't go to counseling. I had it out with him again last nite and just won't look at himself. He says I overreact and thought I was completely out of line asking him to change his dinner by a half hour with his daughter. Said we could go to a million therapists and no one would agree with me...sigh...at that point, I just stopped talking.

Bonnie,
Welcome! Do you mind if I ask a question or two? What do you want in a relationship? Is he capable of giving it?

Also an observation. It appears that there are lots of issues surrounding money that he has, his ex- has, his kids have and perhaps you have. Probably not the best situation for money intertwining. :--))

Take care!

It sounds like he is incorrect about the idea of no therapist agreeing with you. Might it help if you went to counseling on your own. That would maybe be a time just for you - a way in which to build up your confidence in yourself and possibly give you some methods for dealing / coping with the relationship problems where you can feel stronger about being in the relationship. just a thought..

Good luck, I feel bad that it sounds like the financial situation has you in a relationship which might not be where you want to be. I'll pray that you and he can work it all out.

Donna

Thanks for all your comments. I have been to counseling and pretty much have determined I am not in the right place. We have been together almost 8 years. We were great the first few years. We were both getting divorced so the support was life saving. Now that is way over, my mom passed away suddenly in 2004 leaving me in shambles, trying to financialy and emotionally get 2 kids thru college. You know the 2 live cheaper than 1? Well that is our story. I love him, but I am so worn out by his ridiculous outlook with his kids and general lack of respect for my emotions. I'm not perfect, menepausal, thyroid problems. I had to get on this board so feel secure enough to know that I was not crazy, he is so closed minded. I have thought often about leaving, but its not easy....I did it once and I don't regret it, but the emotional tourmoil nearly killed me.sigh...very complicated

Bonnie, Can you get back into counseling? Or find a close friend, religious leader or coach? Sounds like you need more support. A financial planner or credit counselor might be someone else you could turn to.

There's lots of support out there. That's why this forum is so great because it reminds us that we are not alone and it's o.k. to ask for help.

Oh girl, do I have input on this subject! This is after 13 years of this nonsense and after our beautiful Leigha on this site helped me realize some things of great importance.

1.) You're right...wives don't compete and there is only a competition if all involved play that game. Don't play it. Remove yourself from their game. Emotionally detach and stay that way.

2.) Men with kids from another marriage feel they are caught in the middle when it's them who has put themselves in that position. They aren't mature enough to realize it's okay to be a husband and father at the same time. They've drawn a line that keeps them attached to the kids and you the outsider.

3.) They have had a certain energy with their kids and when you entered the picture, you disrupted that energy. This is why you are the outsider. It makes them uncomfortable to have someone join in that energy so the only way they know how to keep you out is to repeat this behavior because so far, it's worked.

4.) I've learned that most men won't listen to repeated arguments, nagging or harping. So try this: Point out a very valid and honest opinion about the daughters and then, back away and don't mention it again. Normally, it will seep in and the kids actions will prove you right. But, these men have to see it for themselves and they won't, out of stubborness, until we stop pointing it out. Example: It breaks my heart that your daughters won't ever get to experience a real life because they've been given so much, they will believe it's owed to them and they are so special, it's a shame. No attacking, resentment or blame.

5.) This is what I had to do to protect my own sanity. I decided that my children/grandchildren and husband were my family and I was happy with that. My husband worked overtime to be certain I was the outsider where he and his kids were involved until I decided that was okay by me. I would stay away and he could enjoy them anytime he wanted to (and I want him too) but I don't have to be a part of it because I don't go where I'm not liked or welcome. I even said seperate holidays and vacations were fine with me. I did this because I was the one who always ended up being shunned or hurt and I like myself enough to not do that anymore.

I stopped asking for special treatment that would only result in being hurt again where his kids were concerned (airport ride). I protected my spirit and took charge of my own life and stopped expecting to come first. Told him I knew I never would, never had been and I couldn't make him grow up and be a husband. Those words and those actions were what finally got through. Today, I come first.

I hope this helps because I know how you feel and how much pain and frustration are involved. We did the counseling thing and it really only helped temporarily. Some things just have to be lived out. Let me know if you have any other questions because girl, I'm here for you.

Dianne,
Sorry this took so long to reply. Life...
Thanks so much for your insite. Its alot easier to understand if you live it. I have tried some of what you have suggested, but never really committed to it. One thing though...he wants me part of the group when they are around. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don't. I don't when I come up with excuses or really am busy. Last nite he tore me up because the nite before we went to his cousins house and his kids were there. I had had just a horrible few days at work and tried my best to pull myself together and be human. Well...obviously I was not nice enough. When I said I was going to call his cousin and asked if I was rude, he backed down. It was about his kids again and as usual like it usually is, they fill his head with nonsnese like what is wrong with Bonnie , she must not like us crap. He won't tell them the truth so he makes excuses for me.
I am so glad your husband saw the light. I don't know if I have the emotional fiber much longer.
Thanks

Okay, tip # 6 comes into play.

6.) Tattling and listening to tattling are not acceptable. "If you feel it's honoring me and our relationship to talk about me or allow me to be talked about in this manner (behind my back and in a negative tone) then, do it on your own but never repeat it to me because I'm not the least bit interested...and, (insert his name here) I'm extremely disappointed in you for doing this. It's very hurtful." And Bonnie, stick to your guns on this. If he starts doing it--remind him! "Oh, I guess you don't remember that I won't listen to this."

Another thing. He's either for you or against you and tell him that. Sometimes, they need a lot of reminders to finally get it.

Dianne, thanks so much for jumping in with all the excellent advice. You go girl! I'm so glad you are on the other side of this battle. Hopefully, with your advice, Bonnie soon will be too!

Merci, great leader.

Post deleted by Dotsie

Say more, hot flash. What makes you believe they will find a way to make you miserable? Would your presence at the wedding be an addition or a detractor to the celebration? Do you want to go, or do you feel obligated to go? What would be the consequences of going or not going?

I try hard to only go where I feel I will be welcome. There were times, in a former life, oh, sooooo very long ago, that I felt if I was invited, I had to go. Then I would go and be miserable. Of course, I made others miserable, too.

Not anymore! If I feel that I am wanted, because I am a loved member of the group, then I go. If not, I would rather be home with a good movie alone.

I think she's afraid of being shunned and treated like an outsider. When the oldest SS got married, I was included in the wedding by being given a rose just like the two moms, as part of the ceremony. I had some of my friends there too so I hung with them. It can really be a very uncomfortable time. I lost seven pounds before the wedding just from dreading it. I did, however, look great in my dress!

hotflashgal, I think you should go and put your best self forward! Although no longer a step parent, I know how the ex-wife can attemtp to sway others. I learned that if the ex-wife and her family saw me avoiding a situation simply because it is uncomfortable, they would feed on my emotions and reluctance. Thus, when visiting the step-son in NM (baseball games and other activities), I would simply smile and march forward. Also, at weddings when I feel uncomfortable, I simply eat! This way I don't have to talk to anyone and if so, it would be about the food! Oh, these are wonderful strawberries, I simply cannot help myself! or, I just love cooked baby carrots! This way others will do the talking and I just simply nod and smile, giving a positive acknowledgment. I hope all goes well for you!

Post deleted by Dotsie

How does your husband feel about you going to the wedding? Has he said anything to you?

I'd go because your absence says a lot more than you being there with a smile on your face. It's tough, I know that! I made myself sick I was so stressed beforehand.

Go, look beautiful, smile continually and be as charming as a toad looking for a princess to kiss him. Who could fault you for that?

I would definitely ask your husband if he wants you there. I bet he does. He may feel like he needs your support in this situation too. I also think that if you were invited, you SHOULD go, but I know many of us at our age are no longer doing the SHOULDS.

I agree, go if your husband wants you there.
Dots, I like the way you put that about the "shoulds" You get to an age where you just don't give a darn! I'm just about there. Don't always do the shoulds, but still feel guilty about not doing them.

It seems if you don't go, your husband will be the one hurt most and you will be playing right into the hands of his ex. She will be the parent with her significant other at her side to support her and your husband will be there alone. I don't think you should allow anyone outside your marriage, especially an ex, to have that much power.

I say go, go with class, smile at your wonderful husband and make his ex jealous of your wonderful relationship with her ex-husband and let her be sorry she lost him to such a wonderful, beautiful woman as you are. You have every right to be there and you can be the greatest lady of all.

Smile and expect to enjoy every moment. Never let 'em see you sweat.

smile

Post deleted by Dotsie

I say go and make the most of it.

I just went back to this thread was happy to see it was still ongoing. the update. Its not better. The step children (a.k.a.paris hilton 1 & 11)are worse than ever and their father is just a wuss. Double standards galore. I got repremanded because we went out to dinner with them and my daughter. They whined because I spent the evening talking to my daughter claiming I ignored them. Same thing happened at a family function. I talked to the cousins not them. Is it me? What is the deal? I told my boyfriend that I am not their friend and that i have been to many occasions with my own kids that I don't talk much to them. I never had to think so much about stuff like this. Its nuts. Since, I have told him that as long as he treats them like they are princess's, his friends, not have the same expections that we have for my kids and put up with the bad behavior, nothing will change between us. I know he is in a tough position. They are now 20 & almost 23, living with their very wealthy mother's influence and checkbook. At this point its not them, its him. Any new ideas?

Bonnie K,
This is the first post I've noticed by you. BMS has bonnierae, bonnierose and now Bonnie K. Love it.
Welcome to greatest site on the net!
Ciao for now,
bonnierose

Hi BonnieK. I want to share something with you and I hope it helps. I am a step mother and I put aside time alone with my step children. One on one. It was our time not to be interrupted by anyone.

It strenghtened our relationship and respect for each other. I think you have to be their friend, after all, they are your boyfriends children. Why not be their friend?

Respect can grow and nurture if you decide that is what you want. A little effort can go a long way. It will feel good to 'get to know them'. I think they will surprise you. One on one, just try it and let us know.

I wish you luck.

thanks for the welcome. I've been around but not for a while. This is a hard one. I have tried in the past to improve the relationship My problem is that they are so spoiled, spending time with them is challenging, not alot of depth. Their lives just revolve around money and People magazine. I leave shaking my head feeling frustrated cause I just want to shake them into reality. But, I'm not their parent. I'm really more frustrated with the boyfriend. He is so guilt ridden (for no reason, he is a great parent) that he lets them get away with acting badly. If he wants to take, I can't stop it, but I don't tolerate with my own kids who are of similar age, why would I tolerate from them?

Bonnie, you had indicated in a post a while back that this boyfriend was not right for you. Do you still feel this way? Also, you indicated that you wanted to leave but for financial reasons, you felt trapped.

I'm only bringing this back up to ask you if you think, deep inside, you could be reacting to these offsprings out of frustrations?

Because I'm not there, and because I don't know you personally, I can only throw this out there for thoughts. I'm certainly not saying you are the cause of bad behavior from them. Rude is rude. And I wouldn't take it for minute. From HIM or the children.

But I'm wondering if you have a "wall" so to speak, built between you and the children???? Just a thought.

And if you still feel he is not right for you, can you leave and start anew?

Bonnie
I was there, a long time ago, spoiled and guilty step children.

Retrospectively, I wonder about these commetns and questions:

They are children. They don't know it, but they are. The world is all about them. Are YOU grown up enough to know that the world is not about YOU? (I wasn't!)

The relationship between me and guy was never enough. I needed to please. Anyone. Are you trying to please him, rather than doing what is right for YOU?

When I was mad at guy, I got mad at his family. They were okay, he was messed up. And I was messed up. And it was easier to blame them, than it was myself, or even him. What are YOU responsible for in this mess?

These are only questions, not accusations. And forgive me if I have overstepped my bounds.

Great thoughts and questions ladies. I hopoe bonnie gets back here soon.

Hi,
I read the comments last nite and just pondered it before I responded. I think its both. I think its mostly the boyfriend. As I have said, he and I are not the best match, but I had decided in the big picture I loved him enough to accept our differences and find a place for our relationship. Well, I guess that concept is not working. I have had alot of turmoil in the last few years, sudden death of my beloved mother, job change, grown kids moving out, my thyroid removed, my ongoing struggle with depression and "mental" pause. He has put up with alot.
In some defense, he is very very difficult to communicate with and when he does want to hear something, he just goes silent. He is one, that if you ignore it long enough it goes away. His grown kids are just an addition. (however, they are still spoiled, hard to like and my own grown kids find them impossible to be with for more than a few minutes)

Sigh...so hear I am. Can I just run away, like the girl in Eat, Pray, Love (that's another board!)

p.s. I called my therapist today, haven't figured out how I'm going to pay for it though

BonnieK...God will provide. Think positive thoughts and just KNOW that the money will be there when you need it. It doesn't mean you have to believe it, just try thinking that way. If nothing else, the stress will be less.

I truly believe we are given what we need, even if it is not what WE think we need.

Stay with us, k? We only want to help if we can! And you so very open and seem very wise to me, I might add. Me thinks you'll work through it all just fine. It may take some time, but you'll do it!

I'm wondering too if you think hormones could be playing a part here? Just throwing that out there.

We're here!

I'm sure hormones are not helping. I made the decision not to do HRT...my beloved mother died of brain cancer, so I won't even consider it. I have heard about bio identical but mixed reviews. Maybe, just maybe I could remember to take my vitamins...hmmm what a concept

Thanks for the support. I have never been told I am wise, that really helps to hear. I'm smiling now...I remember asking my mom why I had what I thought were alot of problems. Her answer to me was that I getter older and had more history to weed thru. Bless her, I miss her everyday (even though I allowed her to help create some of my challenges (I just deleted the word "mess")

But take heart at this. We ALL have messes. Naturally, our own situations seem worse than other people's and sometimes, they even seem hopeless. They're not!

To me that's the time when I step away from whatever it is that's bothering me and do something totally different. If it is work, I go take a walk and get outside. The fresh air and walk clears the cobwebs of anxiety that have built a nest in my old brain.

If its someONE who is disturbing my peace, I try to figure out why and if I can correct it. If it is something within my power to do, I move forward with it. If I cannot "fix" it or make it better, I leave it. Right there on the spot.

And the best solution of all is I come here to my sistahs....they love me for who I am, do not judge me, and encourage and guide me, gently.

And wise? Yes, you are wise. You gave yourself time to step away from all the post and digest everything that was offered. When I read that I said to myself, "Good for her! How smart is that?"

You gave your mind, soul, and your heart time to think about it all and chose what works for you, and what doesn't. I call that wise, ANY day!

Onward!

Thanks so much...:) I am trying to learn to be less impulsive, step back and let it "marinate".

Well I have to interject something here...Take it for what its worth. Bit I find every single day that NO man in my life means, NO stress, NO muss or fuss. Just me, my preferences and my happiness. Think about it!!

Marinating is perfect; so is prayer. Both allow us time to sort things out through a different perspective. Bonnie, I think all of us should strive to be less impulsive. I know my life is more peaceful when I can do so, but I'm not always in the right frame of mine to do so. It's soemthing that takes practice. You're getting better at it already.

K,
Even if boyfriend's kids were nice to your face that doesn't mean they'd be nice behind your back. I saw a very dear friend destroyed by 2-faced, back-stabbing stepchildren. Just a warning. Watch your back if you decide to continue the relationship. My friend had money, a house, a car, wisdom and health. Now she struggles to just make it through one day at a time. This isn't to scare you. It is simply to say, "Be Alert!"
bonnie rose

I am concerned....If they are anything like their mother, I'm in trouble and the BF knows it. The NO man thing many times sounds appealing, but I am not ready to make that move. My biggest fear is myself. Firstly, I think honestly I am not trusting myself. As I said before, I suffer from depression and consquentially am afraid of it. It freezes me. I am sure many can relate. Praying is something I should focus on. Ihave a god/high power problem though. Having sustained so much loss and suffering in my life I have a hard time buying it. I'm working on all this.

Thanks for the support, I need it.

Always remember BonnieK that all of the advice is great but ultimately, you have to do what works best for you.

We're here to lend support, if needed or offer sage (we're realllllly old) wisdom is you ask, but we wouldn't want you doing something just because we said so. I think you've figured that part out though.

Good luck with it all. Sometimes, living can be hard, but oh can it be wonderful too!

I've been through this nightmare so I'll ask you to ask yourself some questions. It wasn't until I did this myself that I finally broke through.

Do you feel a little bit fearful? I did and had to ask myself what was making me feel that way. That his sons wouldn't like or approve of me? They already didn't so what was I losing? That he might leave me because of his sons? No way that would happen. I carried a lot more power in the relationship than I realized.

These girls SHOULD NOT be allowed to tattle on you. I'd put my foot down about that right now. If he cares about you he needs to tell them that isn't allowed anymore. It's like feeding the fire. And, if he doesn't get it and tells you something they've said, stop him right away and tell him you aren't interested.

I had to tell my husband..."You're either for me or against me so you need to decide which one it is."

It's tough. Boy, do I know that!!!!!

How often do you see these grown step-girls aka Paris Hiltons? Do they live with you and bf often several times per wk. or what? Would you/your bf be expected to support them financially if their mother couldn't help them financially?

You have to ask yourself just how much energy you want to spend understanding these gals if they don't live underneath your roof.

Not sure if badgering bf about his daughters is going to work right now. Better that you refocus to distance yourself from step-daughters and renew your energy in other areas of your life.

Can I ask you this simple question: Could you, your daughter and stepdaughters be able to all prepare a nice meal for yourselves / do potluck? Start by a shared activity that requires their adult contribution in relationship to you (not your bf). They are adults after all and adult expectations must now be placed on them.

BonnieK,
I, too, have been troubled in my spirit these past two years. I don't want to blame God for allowing such misery to happen to such wonderful people. When we hurt extremely bad, we tend to fight with God. Why God, why? And our faith is shaken down to the core. So when you said a few posts back, about struggling with your faith, believe me you're not alone.
But I keep praying and I keep asking God to bolster my faith and trust in Him. Because I know, that I know God is the only answer to this ole world's woes!!!
I said all that, to say this..."You're not alone. We all struggle with our faith, sometimes!"
Blessings,
bonnie rose

Hi,
Life has been rough. I had another big blow out with BF and have just been struggling to figure it all out. He will not go for help, blames me, saying I need to figure myself out. A very wise dear friend of mine who knows him helped to take my anger out of this. He is just so locked up and unable to come out of his self imposed haven of safety and denial. He has to blame me. Otherwise his head would probably explode. Well..until I can pull it all together I am trying to just not be combative and look at him with just sympathy and honestly, sadness. How sad for him. Its helped me look at his kids in a different light too. How sad for all of them.

I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love and it really hit me hard. I know some of you here have been reading it. I feel like the writer. It pushed so many buttons for me. I wish I had a book deal though! I'd be outta here with dust behind me. But I don't have that financial luxury.

As far as my faith, I'm still struggling. Even yoga yesterday was a battle. My physical body felt like the tin man. It was not until almost the end of the class that I had finally cleared my mind and body and could practice. for now, I am focusing on my job and spending alot of time there. It feel safe and appreciated. At home I am just kicking back, reading and spending time outside. Just wish the morning blues would go away. That has always been my battle.

O.k. I'm going on and on. Thanks for helping me feel I am not alone.

Bonnie

p.s. Bonnie rose...is that your full name or is rose your middle name? I'm from the Chicago area, very few Bonnie's. I was suppose to be "Beth", but my grandfather who was from Europe pronouced "th" as "t", so that is how I bacame a Bonnie!

BonnieK, soemthing from your post struck me. It sounds as though you are only staying in this relationship for financial security. Would you say that is true? I only point this out because it sounds as though the relationship is a rollercoaster of emotion. There have been several women here who have taken a chance and walked away from financial security to learn that, survived, and are happier alone without the turmoil.

Just a little something to ponder. I hope I don't s o und harsh. Just a thought...

Also, I am more than happy to answer any questions you may have about faith, and I'm sure other women here would do the same.

Dotsie,

The financial part is big..I have to admit it. Lots of other things. I am attached to me, I have to say. But how? Probably familiarity, fear of being alone and some sense of fondness. He is not completely the boogie man. He was very supportive during my divorce, roller coaster with my then teenage son and the sudden illness and death of my mother. I hear all of you saying..thats nice, but it doesn't mean you owe him your life. I know, I know. The financial thing has been my lifetime nemesis.

On a better note, I prayed and asked for strength of mind and spirit and guidance to help me make the best choices for myself. Well...today is the first day in a while that I woke up and din't feel so down, gloomy and struggling. Hmmmm...I trully am grateful. The depression in the morning is awful. Makes you now want to get up.

So, today has started peacefully. Thanks for the support