My mom called this morning from Florida saying, Joe (my brother) is driving down here after Thanksgiving why don't you come too and then fly home a week later. (He stays for the holidays). I was reluctant to answer. I've never left my family for any reason and I felt a little selfish when part of me inside said go, you know you want to, it's warm and sunny and you feel so cold and jittery. I ran it past my son Rob first who said, go mom, why are you so worried about us, geez we'll live, what do you think is going to happen do you think we'll starve or ruin the house? My mom too said, "what is it with you, other women leave their families, this is something normal people do." But it comes down to me worrying about my husband taking his meds, will Benny my cat be okay, will Vicky be able to put her hair up in the snood for work, on and on and on. Vicky says go too and hubby thinks it's okay but I'm not sure I'm reading his answer clearly. After knowing this man for almost 34 years I can predict how he'll react to anything. Should I go ladies? I think I want to but I feel so guilty thinking I'm abandoning my family.

I would go...but then again, I would go anywhere alone right about now, given the opportunity!!!

Seriously, you don't have small children to worry about so if they're all saying go, you should! It will probably do you a world of good. If anyone complains about it afterward, you just remind them that they said you should.

okay, I did NOT mean to rhyme every sentence like that...I think I should shut up now!

One more thing, then I'll shut up...what the heck is a snood??? Sounds like something from a Dr. Seuss book!

Ladybug definitely GO....but why not bake a nice turkey breast before leaving and some sweet potatoes etc. Cover them in the frig and tell Vicki and hubby how to reheat everything. This way they'll have their holiday meal together and you don't have to feel like you deserted them? Hey works for me... Then go and enjoy yourself.

I say go and enjoy the well-deserved break and time with your Mom and brother. It will do you good, and make your family appreciate you even more!

I think you should go. I probably would. You've had a rough year, and a break would probably be the best thing in the world for you

Thanks everyone. While my son and I took our evening walk he convinced me to go. Actually Chatty I'd be leaving the day after Thanksgiving because I could definetely not leave my family. I haven't seen my mom (she's 79) and my dad (he's 89) since September of 2004. I think it probably would do me good. I've been rough around the edges for a long time now. Couldn't all of you tell??
Bluebird, a snood is worn over a bun. Her hair is down to her waist and very thick so it's a chore winding it around, pinning it and then covering it with the snood.
My mom will not believe I'm coming because she's been asking me to do this for years now and I'd never leave my family. Bluebird, I wish I could take you with me, I think you need it too.

hooray for you, ladybug! you will be so glad you went. i live a state away from my family and have made MANY road trips there by myself. i will NEVER regret going.

in the last few years, my dad began losing his health big time and i made many hurried trips there when he was ill. my husband and sons were always very supportive so that made it easier.

dad died last year and i have no regrets regarding time spent with him. i know that i spent as much time as i possibly could have with him so have great peace about that.

i also never wanted my siblings to feel that i wasn't doing my fair share in caring for parents. that area, too, leaves me with no regrets.

you will come home a more fulfilled woman for having spent the time with your 'first family' and your children will see the example you set in what you give of yourself to your aging parents.

I agree with all of these ladies Ladybug...it will do you and your parents so much good...and guess what? When you return your husband and kids will treat you like the Queen you truly are...every once in a while we have to miss something before we can truly value it...your family will realize your true value while you are away being your parent's little girl...I wish I could go too...Have a wonderful visit!!!

Brother called this morning and it's possible it (the trip) isn't happening for now. My husband suggested simply flying down in January by myself. That sounds good too. I pictured cleaning up the dining room after Thanksgiving dinner, taking down those decorations to make way for the Christmas ones, getting ready for Vicky's birthday etc. etc. I actually cried one night and last night too thinking about how much everyone here DOES rely on me for everything, not to mention the looks I am getting from my old coot..LOL!! I started making lists for everything they'll have to do, my plants, my Benny, laundry and on and on ad nauseum!! My brother's call this morning started out with, "did you get your ticket yet?" My perverted mind said, "yes, he can't go right now, this lets me off the hook." Can you believe I actually prayed to God that there would be a glitch to prevent me from going right now? I can't jam Thanksgiving and departure day Nov 26th into my life that easily. Excuses, excuses I know.
Thanks for the uplift though!

ladybug, postponing the trip doesn't mean the same a cancellation. just get your ticket for january so you are committed, and use the time to plan and prepare your family for your absence. you will feel better about going and they will feel less put out.

i have postponed my trips home many times when it wasn't an emergency. sometimes, i'm just not ready when i think i will be. other times i just got a gut feeling that tomorrow would be a better day to go.

just please, for your own sake, don't cancel. use the momentum you have and build on it. it will be a very liberating experience for you and as nancy g. says, your family will learn a new appreciation for you while you are gone.

Oh, and I so DO want them to realize how much I do for them.

One thing you said really struck a chord with me about not really being ready to go. I truly think I'm not.

For one thing, there really is just too much to do in this household to get ready for Christmas. My husband and I had a VERY loud discussion on our morning walk. It seems if I'm not here to help put up the tree then they don't want one! We put it up right after Thanksgiving and our inside decorating takes three days and one extra for the tree itself.

I heard that since I'd be "gone for one fourth of December" (wow) I may as well "stay down there for the whole month." As if I'm going to leave my children for one of the most important holidays, sheesh!

Well, we shall see what happens. I admit it, I'm relieved. The other nice part is my brother may bring his grade school best friend over to my house for Thanksgiving (I suggested it). I haven't seen his friend in 33 years and the friend was nearly a household fixture while we were growing up.

Thanks for your wisdom!

[ November 16, 2005, 02:15 PM: Message edited by: ladybug ]

Sounds to me like they are all ganging up on you.... with guilt.

"We don't even care about a tree if you not here", "if your gone for a week...better make it the whole month"...

My family put me through the same thing when I spent two weeks in Mass., with relatives.
You know what? Every one here survived, for two weeks. Not one wasted away. Was it hard for me?
Yes..it was! Did I go anyway? Yes...I did.
Did I feel relaxed when I came home? Did they appreciate me a bit more? YEP!

They might not have had a home cooked meal every night or someone doing their laundry....but, they lived.

Your parents are getting on in age, it would be nice for you to visit.
I'm so sure they are looking forward to your coming.

Every once in awhile you need to get away.
Don't except the guilt. They are just wanting you all to themselves.

Break free and fly, you will feel so much better when you return.

Brenda, you're soooo right. Really, the two children are telling me to go it's the spouse laying on the guilt trip. The last time I went anywhere by myself was in 1982 for job training in Cincinnati. I didn't even have children then. Boy was that nice, going out to all those swanky restaurants where someone served me! I told my husband, "do you know in the 30 years we've been married you have not even poured me a cup of coffee?" It's true.

Sure they'd love for me to come there. Mom has been begging me to do it for years. With my spouse's recent stroke my life is a little more complicated though and that's part of the problem. Vicky's a senior in high school and works after classes, Rob is in his third year of college and also works after classes. The hubby sometimes forgets to take his meds and two of them are very vital to his continued well-being.

So, we'll see what develops later. Thank you so much!

Ladybug....that is so unbelievable, married 30 years and never poured you a cup of coffee.
Do you know, my hubby pours me a cup of coffee every morning, brings the cup upstairs and serves it to me in bed.
Every day come what may.

Do you have any of the guardian angels in your hometown? Agency that has people to come to your home and help with whatever needs to be done. Make sure the med's are taken, housework, etc. Bet you could have them check once or twice daily.
Get one of those weekly medicine dose containers to make sure the pills are taken on time.

Make sure you take time to take care of Ladybug...that way you are able to take care of others.

yepthatsme2, thanks for your wisdom and be assured I do take time for myself. I believe I can't take care of others unless I nurture myself as well.

My compliments to your husband dear lady, send him this way!

My husband is a decent man and provides for me materially in a more than adequate manner but he does lack in the thoughtfulness department. There isn't a thing he doesn't know how to fix or remodel but let's face it, I'd just like someone to wait on me once in awhile.

Well...there you go. My hubby doesn't know how to do a darn thing around the house. Nada...nothing!
Doesn't even like yard work...those pale white legs of his haven't seen sun in years.
When it comes to his job...he know his stuff!
Guess it's all a trade off.

You know my husband does the same thing , brings me coffee in the evening . We drink decafe . He makes pancakes on Sunday morning and cleans up the dishes each night for me . I fix the dinner and he cleans up and does a great job . No complaining here .

I had it good and did not know that . Thanks for the wake up call, girls .

Oh my gosh, he cooks too????? Mine doesn't even boil water!!! Whenever we see a movie where a man is making the woman a delicious dinner I sigh out loud and say, "I sure would love THAT." The hint is never taken. Clean up after dinner? I do that and thank God for the dish washer cause I'm sure he isn't gonna help. Yep, count your blessings sister boomer!

Well my ex did all and I mean all the grocery shopping even better than I could plus he always made bacon, eggs, pancakes, fresh fruit slices and toast on Sunday mornings and then he'd do the dishes. Plus he liked to putter in the kitchen and he cooked many dinners too but didn't know which end of a hammer to use. I hired a handy man for that kind of stuff, a neighbor that was retired and worked cheap, still does. My ex would have made someone a half decen wife except he was a discustingly sloppy man and NO SEX! Couldn't find a handy man for that, well maybe but never looked...So you see there is good and bad in them all it just depends on what you're looking for....

[ November 16, 2005, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Well mine loves sex, fixes anything but doesn't cook...yes, it is all a trade off!

Obviously your husband doesn't want you to go. You've gotta do what's comfortable for you and for your family. If you can't go because you know what your family needs, and they totally, I mean totally, can't live day to day without you, so be it. Adding stress to the holidays isn't going to make the holidays a holday. But, if you feel they can survive with some beforehand planning without you for a few days, go for it.

KKathy, that's really what it boils down too, I WILL NOT feel comfortable leaving them at this time. It will only stress me out trying to cram things in between Thanksgiving and the day or so after that when I would've left.

My brother is disappointed and telling me how I never do anything but he also doesn't have a wife and children so cannot relate to my situation.

Thank you for seeing why this is wrong for me right now.

[ November 19, 2005, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: ladybug ]

The last thing you need right now is more stress. You have to go with what you feel will be best for you in the long term, and right now it sounds like staying home will be.

Thank you NHJackie, yes, right now staying home IS the right choice.

Maybe your mom and brother can fly up your way and spend some time with you if they need to see you so bad....?

My brother does live up here, about 45 minutes away. He's coming for Thanksgiving dinner. I would not want my mom to leave my 89 year old dad by himself. He's a typical Italian and he's very lost without her. Think Caesar Romero and that's who my dad looks like. No, she'd never leave him on his own.

Ladybug,

I have left my husband for a few days while visiting relatives several times, taking my daughter with me.

One time, I went when he had a terrible sinus infection and I felt guilty most of the time. I didn't enjoy myself much. I know about that kind of stress that Jackie is talking about.

Cheers,
Cathi

See, that's what I'm afraid of. On our walk this morning my husband told me he was glad I wasn't going even for the ten days I was thinking of.

I know it's the right decision for me at this time, so thank you for reaffirming that to me!

Just a thought--sounds like you and your daughter, who I think you said is a senior in high school, need some female bonding time AWAY from the men. Although you did mention health issues with your husband, it seems that he needs a dose of reality regarding male/female roles in today's 21st century society. Since you have a grown son, hopefully he knows how to take care of himself as all men should be able to do--what a great opportunity for your husband and son to figure out how to deal with life without women around to serve them. Yes we all love the men in our lives, but when it comes to male/female roles, men from the dark ages need to move into the next century! Your son is a young man in the world of liberated modern women, so he probably won't find many who serve him the way his mother always did. What a great opportunity to teach your daughter that her job is NOT to serve men, and to teach your son and husband that men need to be self-reliant and self-sufficient without needing a woman to serve their needs. Just an idea--bond with your daughter and give your son and husband an opportunity to learn how to care for themselves without you and your daughter serving them. I imagine they will have a lot of great father son bonding time if they were given the opportunity--even if they decide to eat at a restaurant together--Or they could cook their own meals. And of course they should be cleaning up after themselves and doing their own laundry. I hope your son is able to do these things, because few women today are going to do it for him. It's the 21st century, and women are not the same as they were in the mid 20th century--men living in the 21st century need to accept this and learn to take care of themselves. BTW--love and service are two different things. You will ALWAYS love them with all of your heart even if you expect them to take care of themselves.

Amen......KateRyan......my exact feelings. I was caught up in the mid 20th century stuff with my husband and daughters. Super Mom! No more....my girls are grown, out on their own, with their own families, and my husband will have to learn how to take care of himself. I'm well now.....and I'm out spreading my wings. So there!!!
Lynne

Thanks ladies! I wanted my daughter to go too but she has an after school job and some really tough honors classes that pile on the home work. We both agreed if she did take time off she'd be too stressed out trying to catch up with it.

My son is pretty good about taking care of his needs but I admit, mom is the only one here who does laundry. My fault.

The hubby has no problem with me going in January and both he and my son assure me I have nothing to worry about...they won't starve or die.

We'll see when January rolls around.

Kate, I like the way you think girl! I have always sorta been a smother mother because I was a SAHM (and loved it). However, my family knows how to survive without me. While they were little, they did everything with Mommy. My son is the chief cook in his apartment at school, and he loves it. I cook most of the meals around here unless we grill, then hubby does it, but I know he can and does cook if I need him too. My husband has set a great example of helping out around the house. I think that's why my kids will pitch in too MOST of the time they're asked.

Ladybug, I understand the thought of leaving your hubby behind due to his illness. It can be such a worry. My husband is an insulin dependent diabetic (4-5 shots a day) woke up at 50 this morning and I had to get him orange juice to get him going...but I still leave him for the night, and he loves to go away and take one of the kids with him on adventures. I just pray that God will bless him and keep him safe while we are apart. My children also know what to do if he has a low blood sugar reaction. The older I get, the more control I give up. Funny, I never was in control. Just thought I was.

Yes, you do worry when they have a medical condition. I always worry about another stroke happening but he takes coumadin and toprol as well as getting his blood INR checked every one to three weeks (as the doctor advises.)

Chuck takes coumadin, too. There is absolutely nothing I need to do for him anymore as far as his medical condition goes, and he's quite capable of taking care of himself.

I'm sure he would not object if I wanted to go somewhere overnight without him, but the occassion hasn't presented itself. I've just gotten to the point the last couple of months where I don't worry every minute that something bad might happen to him. I honestly don't know if I'll ever get over it. But I've learned not to let it control me, or it would drive me crazy!

My husband's stroke complicates things because he doesn't always remember to take his meds and I have to remind him to. Sometimes he'll forget them for a couple of hours and if I'm busy doing something I forget too. The toprol is essential so that atrial fibrillation doesn't occur again.

Having part of your brain "go out" has some serious consequences. It's not like having diabetes where you do remember to take your pills or insulin.

That's true. Any time a loved one suffers from a serious illness we are left with the fear of another event. Our minds have a way of keeping those scary memories in tact. At least mine does.

Thanks Dotsie, I was also about to edit my post to add that if I do go in January or even if I had gone two days after Thanksgivng my husband would be alone all day. Rob has college classes then goes straight to a part time job where he closes the store by himself at 10:00 p.m. Vicky is a senior in highschool and gets home at 2:40 p.m. She also has a job in which she leaves at 4:05 p.m. and returns at 8:00 p.m.

One of the main concerns of his doctors and a therapist was that he would be home alone, which of course he wasn't. He does drive and has no physical impairments but it's the forgetfulness that is a concern.

It's just hard to leave someone like this for more than say, six hours. Maybe if one of the children was able to be home with him all day it would be okay but as you can see, that isn't possible. They both started these first jobs this summer so it isn't as if they could just take off. I wouldn't expect them too.

ladybug, do you have any retired friends who would be willing to look in on dh and keep him company for a while each day? that's how my mom was able to get away occaisionally when dad couldn't go out.

ladybug, that must be quite a worry for you.

Thought you decided against going or was that for Thanksgiving? Can't he travel if he is well enough to drive etc.? Why not go together and just not stay as long?

The whole point of going Chatty is for me to get away for awhile by myself. Everyone around here agrees that I need it.

He is just a bit forgetful about taking his medications.

If I had gone I would've been leaving yesterday. It's too close to Vicky's 18th birthday on Dec., 10th., and wouldn't have given me but 10 days down there.

I still am considering going the second week of January but I admit I still have reservations about whether or not to go at all.

There aren't any retired friends around and he really doesn't need them to. I just don't know what to do.

Gotcha about your needing a break. Well I'm not sure of your money situation but there are care givers that just come in when needed to and maybe they could pop in a few times a day when his meds are due. I bet if you checked around you could find someone like that through the hospital, doctor or maybe even a friend might know of someone. We here in Nevada have many such services.

Chatty, you don't know my husband! He'd think I thought he's helpless. He's telling me how he'll be just fine. I dunno, I suppose he'd KNOW he's got to remember to take those on time. It's amazing how proficient people can become all of a sudden when the person who usually does something for them isn't there any more. Yes, he CAN afford to have someone come in but to him he'd consider it a waste of money. That's just how he is.

Your last line there says it all and I've been way too serious for way too long.