I also grew up without grandparents. But to this day I think fondly of our neighbour. She always had (yup you guessed it) an Orio cookie for me, even right before supper ! That was our secret. I couldn't have loved her more if she were my grandmother. Believe me, Eagle Heart you are making an impact on those childrens' lives, that they will treasure forever. As you said, you can take time for those children, something so many parents have so little of.

Quote:

---

Maybe that's one of the gifts a childless woman has to give to the world - it's precisely because I don't have any children of my own that I have the time and energy to give a listening presence and "on your side" comfort to other people's children who are feeling just as alone, misfitted and isolated as I have so often felt.

---

You are right,Eagle! We do have the time.But also do feel left out. Maybe it's best that we don't know about our own child rearing. This way, our opinion is from a whole different side of life.

Interesting...today I was talking to a mother about how I think children should be today, complimenting on hers...how they seem to be good little girls with no "metal" sticking out their noses and lips!! She was listening very intensely. She then said, "And how many children do you have?" Of course, my heart sank. But I said, "None.I was not blessed with any". She made no comment but "oh, you don't have any?". PERIOD!

But gosh, I must have sounded like I knew what I was talking about!! LOL!!!

Of course you know what you're talking about Di. You don't need to have given birth to have common sense. Don't let yourself get intimidated by those mothers who "know it all." Those "know alls" exist among us mothers as well...and don't differentiate whether or not you are a mother or not.

Thank you for saying what you did, Hannelore!

You have no idea how my peers (and myself) are dismissed with "HOw can YOU understand...you've never had kids'!

Yes, we do hear that often! It's horrible.

I wonder if your statement just comes with maturity,'cause young mothers think they DO know it all! LIke they've "arrived" since they have given birth. And yes, we CNBC'er do feel they've lost brain cells or the sense to communicate with their 'old friends' who have not given birth. Can't ya'll hold an adult conversation without talking about kids???

IT's a very hard road for us. We feel like 'freaks of nature', getting the ol' "one eye-lid up" look...like we hated kids and we did not want them!

My goal is to educate that not ALL women have the pleasure of conceiving, feeling a baby (miracle) move within her, give birth and share that time with their loving husband.

It's a dream that never goes away since the time we were all raised/programmed with 'First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes ______with the baby carriage"!

As I was growing up, I never even was aware that there just may be a woman in the world who was CNBC. Not a CLUE,until it happened to me at age 36!

We want others to NOT ASK personal questions; in our minds (and yes, they are very different and can be bitter), when one asks IF a woman has children, it gets "into our bedroom scene" and is very, very personal and can be hurtful. If someone wants to share about their blessings, great. But, please don't ask everyone you meet! It could be one of us sensitive ones. We just HATE that question anymore.

It is not something we can 'get over'. For me, I'll forever be saddened by the fact that I was not able to experience 'it all'. Yes, I do have a full life, but i've had to MAKE it full FOR MYSELF ONLY.

Sharing stories of a daughter's first boyfriend, prom, prom dress, engagement, shower, wedding, grandchild will never be in my life. I live all of this in my dreams..but it will never be a reality.

Try imagining not talking about your children/grandchildren AT ALL for two weeks straight. That is how our lives are. Yes, we are busy...but we don't LIKE it.

And churches can be the worse place to be!. Some preachers have been known to say "you've never understood the true meaning of 'agape love' unless you've had children'. Or "God's highest calling is motherhood or fatherhood'. We do not attend church on Mother's or Father's Day, needless to say. We feel like strangers in a church setting as well. It's ALL about kids!! In fact, we'd love to start a church for oNLY those couples who were not blessed. Even single CNBC'ers have another set of issues,poor things.

There are people out there,men and women, who decided to "change their minds' after they marry. Prior to marriage, they say "oh yes, i want to have children with you', when all they are doing is pacifying us. THEN, after the ring is on, they say 'Well, i don't want any (more, if they are already parents thru previous marriages). Talk about a sting!!

Sorry, I need to get this stuff out to folks other than my peers since the "child-filled world" is what the Lord has placed on my heart to educate".

My words are my inner thoughts. They are not meant to offend, but educate others about what we honestly think. That is why a 'place' of refuge is so needed so we can vent with people who feel the same.

Di, thanks for starting this post. I need to hear all of this again, and the funny thing is that I've been on both sides of this fence...and then some.

We tried to conceive a child for four years, adopted two, then got pregnant. So I've heard the comments about not having kids, adopting from another country, and having a family with both adopted and birth children. I've heard some really ridiculous comments through the years and witnessed many odd stares especially when our children were little.

While walking a Florida beach holding my precious Korean daughter, aged 9 months (and I was seven months pregnant in a bathing suit) with my blonde, fair-haired husband holding hands with our two year old Korean son...we must have been the talk of the beach. A woman glared me down, followed be into the bathroom by the pool and asked if I was with my husband, and were they my kids, and were they REAL brother and sister, etc. I said yes to everything and she left totally confused.

I chalk it all up to ignorance. People don't think, and if they do, I don't think they intend to be rude, just curious. Things like this rarely happen to us these days, but if they do, I do my best to educate and not take offense.

Thanks for educating us and making us aware of our stupidity (at least mine).

Thank you, Dotsie. I know you were there once.

If an "issue' does not fit into the 'pattern" of a 'normal' life, people have to say SOMETHING!! Or advise something.

A few verses I have found to be helpful to me are...

Job 6:24
“Teach me, and I will hold my tongue;Cause me to understand wherein I have erred.

Proverbs 21:23

23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue
keeps himself from calamity."


I know I am guilty of "letting my tongue go" in many other instances of life, so I am not without a calamitous tongue either! And I do my very best to be educated.

It's just that our lives are so "abnormally" different from mostly everyone elses. It can be difficult for others to understand, for instance, why we have five dogs! And a cat!

Or why we cannot attend baby showers and just "get over it"; attend children's birthday parties; sit in church as a newborn is dedicated to the Lord; observe what we call "baby worshipping"; ogle over someone's many grandchildren's photo albums etc etc. etc.

It all hurts deeply and forever. I cannot see myself acting happily that I am childless. i will NEVER get over the emptiness felt of never having bore a child, my own flesh and blood.

Even the bible says:

Proverbs 30, 15-16

15 "The leech has two daughters.
'Give! Give!' they cry.
"There are three things that are never satisfied,
four that never say, 'Enough!':

16 the grave, the barren womb,
land, which is never satisfied with water,
and fire, which never says, 'Enough!'

Dear Di,
my heart goes out to you, because you are so in pain.
I checked your website. What you have done there is provided comfort for so many other women.
That's more than what most of us have accomplished in our lives. You should be so proud. I'm sure proud of you…
You aren't a "barren women". A barren women is a women who has no heart and can give no love. Many of us might have given birth, but that doesn't make a person better. When a seed falls from a tree, earth gives it life…but it needs rain and sun to live. You are the rain and sun for so many lost women, giving them an outlet, giving them support. They are your children; they find hope through you, Di.

Thank you,Hannelore (((HUG)))

When God brought Kimberly to me as a partner for the website, and my DH to help, Kimberly and I felt our newly-created God-inspired website was a "birthing"of sorts.

That website is not ours, but God's. He sees that it continues in order that we may minister to the down-trodden childless people of the world.

Yes, I know your words. But many situations still sting us all. Some have come out of the deep depressions; some are still in; some are working toward that goal. But we all know we have a place to go.

We are trying our best to fit into a society that is smothered with pregnany women. The sad thing is, even those who don't "plan' are pg....and then some!

It's very difficult for many to understand that God allows childlessness, but we know it is in His plan for our lives. We may not know the reason this side of heaven, but we do our best to believe that it is best.

Thank you to everyone who is reading my ponderings. I'm not here to complain or be bitter about what the world is around me. I am just sharing my inner-most feelings with the women of my generation. My desire is to tell you all that we exist, we have feelings, we are very, very different in a world of our own AND we are capable of loving...sometimes comes in the form of way more pets that you can imagine...but we do love well!!

And we never doubted that you love well. NEVER. You're mission to educate us is welcomed by me. It will make me think twice before I speak, as I said before. I'm sure you would agree if nothing else came from this, that one thing would be worth it, to have others just "think" before you speak.

I'm very glad you're here, and I'm glad I know you. And you make terrific soap, too! hahahah...

JJ

thank you, JJ.

You're sweet to acknowledge what I am trying to do.

The truth is we cannot identify with being a mother. We cannot identify with being a grandmother. It's similar to my thinking that everyones lOVES dogs or cats or whatever. Not the same, of course, but similar!

I'm not complaining about my life. It's been and continues to be wonderful. However, often times I get "the stare" because I don't "know".

For instance, some women just come up to me talking about breast feeding or grandchildren. I, too, give 'the stare' back 'cause I am clueless. Many assume we ALL can identify. I have to explain that I've never had children so i don't really understand what they are saying. That is when "the stare" happens!

you all know what i mean..I know you do!