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#95144 - 11/14/06 09:24 PM
My Mom is a racist
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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I am dating an old boyfriend from my youth. We reconnected three years ago and have been dating long distance for a year now. When we were younger my parents would not let him come near my house and nagged me non-stop to break up with him. They said they would dis-own me if I didn't so eventually I did break up with him and they were pleased as punch. He was the sweetest person and they never knew it. After all these years he has not changed. I was married to an abuser and dated many other guys and he is by far the best. He is supportive, generous, loving and kind and would do anything for anyone. I did not tell my mother we reconnected as I was sure she would have the same reaction as back then, I was right. It was my 50th birthday yesterday. My mom planned a wonderful surprise birthday party for me. It was great. When she came over last night she saw a bouquet of roses on the table and asked my daughter who they were from. I was out walking the dog. My daughter said a friend and my Mom asked what is his name. I think someone at my party let the cat out to the bag. Anyway my Mom said to my daughter, not that dark guy, eeewwwwh, I can't stand the sight of him. My daughter did not know what to say so said nothing. She could not believe my Mom would say something so rude and nasty and told me about it when I got home. My mother has never met this guy. She is totally judging him by the colour of his skin. He is of a mixed race. I have taught my children to accept all races and they do. They have variety of friends from all nationalities and races and can't stand racism. My problem. My Mom said nothing to me, but she knew that my daughter would tell me what she said. She knew it would upset me and it did. I know I should just forget it as it is her problem but I'm really hurt that she would say such a thing to my daughter. Can't she see that it makes her look bad. It has brought up all the old hurt feelings from my past. I was so embarrassed when I was dating him back then. His parents accepted me and I was over at his house all the time but he could never come to my house or even go on the property. I totally understand that my mother is old school and back then it wasn't as accepted as it is today. What I'm most upset about is that she doesn't keep her opinions to herself. What should I do, confront her, or forget it? Advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks. Katebc
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#95146 - 11/14/06 09:49 PM
Re: My Mom is a racist
[Re: Dancing Dolphin]
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Queen of Shoes
Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
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I wouldn't waste one minute confronting her. She isn't going to change unless she wants to. I'd ignore her and be sure she knows you're seeing this man no matter what she thinks. What's she going to do, ground you?
I hate racism and that's because both of my parents were from the south and said such awful things about the blacks. Nothing to back what they said, just that they were different. They wore sunglasses at night on the bus (at the back of the bus I'm sure) and this made them horrible. I'm glad it never made any sense to me and that I don't feel the same way. It's pure ignorance.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice. www.eadv.netBoomer Queen of Shoes
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#95148 - 11/14/06 10:38 PM
Re: My Mom is a racist
[Re: Edelweiss]
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Member
Registered: 06/23/06
Posts: 3703
Loc: London UK
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Hi, Kate: I'd have to agree with Hannelore on all counts. Be firm with your mother. You have to strongly express that she is wrong by all counts to judge this man by the colour of his skin. She may be your mother but, you have to go by your own sense of rights and wrongs. You have missed the first chance with this man earlier on in life. Who knows what second chances have in store for the both of you this time? Don't let anyone's prejudices stand in your way the second time around. Go for it!
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#95151 - 11/15/06 04:14 PM
Re: My Mom is a racist
[Re: chatty lady]
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Member
Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
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Life is too short to let other people steal your joy! Embrace this amazing second chance that life has given you -it's no accident that he's back in your life.
You're 50 years old, stand strong against this crap and remember that you KNOW what you know - stay true to the truth and to YOURSELF!
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
(Maya Angelou)
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#95156 - 11/18/06 02:58 PM
Re: My Mom is a racist
[Re: katebcca]
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member
Registered: 07/06/06
Posts: 1521
Loc: Alabama
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Kate,
What a beautiful post. I think parents often take those kinds of stands because they don't want their children to get hurt or to not have a difficult life.
Your mom has had her racist feelings for a long time and may not even really know 'why' she feels the way she does. Even though we don't agree with her view, we know it's hard to change those old beliefs.
Could you try talking with her from that standpoint? "Mom, I know you love me and want what's best for me and that our beliefs are different. What I'd really like is for us to be able to at least be open about this..."
Diane is right. You can't make her change and confronting her will probably only alienate you.
I wish you well.
_________________________
Jane Carroll
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#95162 - 12/18/06 07:56 PM
Re: My Mom is a racist
[Re: chatty lady]
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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Ok, thanks, a hand written letter, well I type 90 words a minute but write like a doctor. No one can read my writing it's become so poor from lack of writing. But, that is a good idea. We are approaching Christmas very soon and I have my parents over for dinner on the 24th (our Christmas) so I thought an email might be better as we send each other emails on a regular basis. I understand that she is 80 and it will be tough for her to change. I also know that she dislikes and judges most people, hasn't talked to her own brother in years and has basically written him off as he doesn't live up to her standards. I really don't think that she will accept this relationship. In fact I'd bet money on it, sad but true. She won't want to talk about it, I just want to address the lying on my part. I need to stop acting like I am still a teenager. These are different circumstances now even though they bring up memories from years ago when I was dating him. Getting together with this man from my past brought up anger issues for me with my mother so I have not wanted to discuss it for fear I would say the wrong thing. After taking the time to go through what I needed to, I feel that I will handle it better now especially in a letter. I respect my Mom's right to her own opinions, even though her opinion of my boyfriend is based strictly on his colour as she has never met him. I guess I could type her a letter so she can at least read it but with the mail this week (Christmas rush) she may not get it quickly. Is it better to discuss it before or after Christmas? I will have to give this some thought as it's a touchy situation. thanks for your comments, Kate
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#95177 - 12/22/06 04:00 PM
Re: My Mom is a racist
[Re: katebcca]
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Queen of Shoes
Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
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Kate, my parents bring up stuff I did when I was 15-years old! I'm what? 59-years old now. They say an elephant never forgets but they haven't met my folks yet. LOL!
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice. www.eadv.netBoomer Queen of Shoes
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#95180 - 12/22/06 10:25 PM
Re: My Mom is a racist
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Member
Registered: 06/06/06
Posts: 322
Loc: Durham, NC
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Racism is one of those stigmas that just won't go away. Why? Because what people do or say in PUBLIC is very different from what they do or say behind CLOSED DOORS. Someone told me a long time ago that we're all racist but we just don't admit it. I'd hate to think that is true but just think of some of the things you may do without even realizing it. Not YOU specifically but maybe your family, friends, other relatives. How many of you live in the suburbs? Did you know that when Urban Renewal took place in the late 60s and 70s, there was something called "white flight" because more and more blacks were living in the city. How diverse is your neighborhood? How many have moved to send their children to "better schools?" Where are those schools? In neighborhoods that people like me can't afford so we have to fight the system to ensure that our children will get an equal education in spite of where they live. Why are churches segregated? CNN did a special a few years back about the hours between 11am-1pm being the most segregated hours in America because of where we go to church. Do we not serve the same God? Do you think heaven will be segregated? African-Americans are also guilty. We can't blame EVERYTHING on racism--but often times we do because that's always the easy answer for why someone doesn't like us. I have been the victim of racism more times than I care to count or remember. Yes, I know it exists but I choose not to allow it to penetrate my being. If you don't like me, let it be because of my personality or character but not simply because my skin is darker than yours. OK..I'm off of this bandwagon. I appreciate katebc's honesty about her mother. Peace & Blessings, Beverly Mahone Author, Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age Purchase your copy of “Hope for the Holidays” at http://www.talk2bev.com/holiday.htm “I’m not a writer because I wrote a book. I wrote a book because I was inspired by God to write.”
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#95181 - 12/23/06 12:36 AM
Re: My Mom is a racist
[Re: bamgibbs]
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Member
Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
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Thank you Bamqibbs, your points are very valuable. I do believe that we are all prone to being judgemental and have to work on that, with racism, gay issues, religion, the list goes on. I am trying to be have more compassion for everyone. This is what I am working on at this point in my life, compassion. As for my mother, she is very unhappy. She says that she has a problem with races mixing. Many people do and don't admit it. We all need to work on tolerance and acceptance of others differences, only then will we have a peaceful society. My Mom wrote back which surprised me, that is a good sign. She told me she does not agree that races should mix. She said a few other things but that is the main point she made. She also said she does not want to talk about it again. She also told me that my Dad is not happy about it and tells her that but tells me another story. She is trying to build her case but she is the only person I know that thinks this way. Everyone else in my family and all my friends are so happy for me. I have been on my own for 10 years. A man like him is really hard to find. He adored me way back in the seventies when we were teens, and he still adores me now, how cool is that. I won't let my Mom steal my joy (as someone said) Wishing everyone a peaceful holiday season. Kate
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#95182 - 12/23/06 07:08 PM
Re: My Mom is a racist
[Re: katebcca]
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Member
Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
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Bamgibbs,
That is one of the most insightful and beautiful posts I've ever read. At a time when you could easlily have chosen to strike out, you chose to enlighten and you did it beautifully.
Tonight my husband and I will be the only non African Americans at a party given by one of our best friends. As a non fullblood American Indian, I've experienced racism from a lot of perspectives. I get insulted from all sides and can't truly identify with any group. My 'white' friends unknowingly insult my Indian heritage and my Indian friends insult my 'white' heritage. Our black friends insult both, but still we are friends.
I'm always on the line somewhere between the majority and the minority, Indian and Anglo, never quite fitting in anywhere. The only approach that works for me is to ignore it all.
I will remember your words bamgibbs.
smile
_________________________
Original plays and musicals for groups and events. [url=http://historytheater.org/index.html]
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#95186 - 01/25/07 05:39 AM
Re: My Mom is a racist
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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Kate you have a long road ahead, however time is shorter 'cause your Mom is 80. This type of anger she feels inside herself ...might actually shorten her life.. I'm serious. I know the pain... There was tremendous pressure for all of us (5 girls & 1 boy) to marry someone else who was Chinese. My sister is married to a Caucasian and yes, my parents did disown her for first few years. They never went to her wedding. It was awful..and I was a mediator "delivering" message between sister and parents. It took ....10 years for my parents to fully accept my sister's marriage. The acceptance came with birth of her daughter,, followed by her son. They are also fortunate that their son-in-law is a mild-tempered, naturally friendly guy himself. My sister and her hubby will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniverary this year. I can attest, that it takes tremendous persistence to stand firm, but show your love as a daughter...somehow in the midst of heart-wrenching family conflict. My mother turned grey haired within 1 yr. Well, her fault, she brought on herself. My father is fluently bilingual English-Chinese so it's easier to break the ice. Yes, my sister paved the way for me (her elder) and yet for another sister where 3 of us are with Caucasian partners. But a terrible cost initially. A 4th sister is happily married and has 3 children to someone who is Chinese. May I suggest a self-help book: "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. I found it helpful to keep perspective. Your father may provide some comfort. Don't create a situation that pits him constantly against your mother. It's abit tiring for him. Attend family functions with parents around but you might be wise to visit parent(s) alone to engage in ..talk. It is quite important that your happiness be not infected and that your daughter understand..you still love your own mother...for other things. Your visits with your boyfriend and parents should for first while be kept low-key. Maybe have a large family dinner where there's lots of people distraction, so your mom doesn't overfocus on "him".
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#95187 - 02/04/07 10:04 PM
Re: My Mom is a racist
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Registered: 02/03/07
Posts: 70
Loc: North Florida
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The question I would ask is...how old is your mom?
From my experience, as they age, they do tend to become less able to filter their feelings. I used to think it was just older folks taking advantage of being older, and therefore able to say anything.
One of my nursing friends, a woman who has worked with seniors for some years, told me that there is actually a reason behind this behavior. There is a stage where one reverts back to a time before the "social filters" came into play. Is it possible that your mother has reached this stage?
One piece of advice my wonderful sister-in-law gave me recently. She cares for her mother -- same age as mine.
"Honey, the sooner you realize that your version of reality and your mom's version of reality are never going to meet in the middle, and you stop trying to convince her you are right -- you will be a lot happier."
It still doesn't make it easier when they say or do things we don't agree with. And, certainly, I would never condone racism myself. But, you could be just setting yourself up for banging your head up against a wall by trying to change her. As long as you and your children are in agreement, isn't that all that matters, anyway?
Just my thoughts...
_________________________
author's website: www.rhettdevane.comdrop in, I'll put on the coffee...
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#95188 - 02/04/07 10:09 PM
Re: My Mom is a racist
[Re: madhatter]
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Registered: 02/03/07
Posts: 70
Loc: North Florida
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and...a story for you...just so you know you're not alone.
The last time one of my siblings traveled via airplane with mom, she really said something out of line. She is, by nature, a kind person who would usually not say anything to hurt another.
She watched people boarding the plane, then said in a really loud voice, "I don't recall when I have seen so many fat people in one place! I don't know how this plane is even going to get of the ground with all these fat people on it!"
Good thing she is a little, sweet-faced elderly woman, or my sibs and I would be constantly defending her.
The other thing...just so you don't think she is dissing others who aren't like her...Mom is not thin. She isn't heavy, but no way is she petite, either. So, this wasn't like she was remarking from the point of view of someone who doesn't take up a lot of space.
We just try to keep smiling, knowing that she is not at heart mean-spirited. This old-age trip, as she calls it, has been one of many surprises.
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author's website: www.rhettdevane.comdrop in, I'll put on the coffee...
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