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#96509 - 11/27/06 01:43 PM Christmas Support Group
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Last night I posted a rather downhearted response in another thread about Christmas, then deleted it later. I didn't want to hijack what was probably meant to be a joyful thread. But I've been thinking throughout the night about it, and decided that maybe it's not such a bad idea to start a separate thread for those of us who DO find Christmas stressful and/or sad and don't find it easy to be merry and bright for many reasons.

So I thought I'd see if there is any interest in starting a Christmas Support Group here, for those of us who know we're going to be struggling with Christmas this year. We do know that it's a joyful season and that there are lots of reasons to be glad and grateful and to celebrate, and inside of our hearts, we do celebrate, or want to celebrate, as best as we can. But for many of us, it's hard to do that "mind over matter" thing 24/7 and ignore the ongoing agonies in our life. We do smile through the pain and we do wrap the gifts and make the holidays as bright and joyful as we can, but inside of us, some of us are hurting so bad that it's more of a struggle and burden than the joy it is for so many others.

Would anyone else be interested in having this thread around? If so, I have to ask that everyone who participates here be compassionate and understanding with those of us who are still "works in progress" and who just can't muster up the "merry and bright" as easily as others can. The last thing we need is more condemnation or more people telling us to just get over it. Some things aren't easily gotten over, even (or especially) at Christmas.

I'd like to provide a safe place for us strugglers to vent, weep, share stress stories, and then bolster each other up by listening and caring...just helping each other through the next few weeks.

Anyone interested? As many of you know I'm not here as often as I'd like. I'm very scattered these days, but do try to get here at least once in the mornings and again in the evenings. So if something gets started here, and you don't see me here for awhile, don't think I've "dined and dashed" - I'll be back! Life is overwhelming me these days (which is partly why I need this kind of support right now!)


Edited by Eagle Heart (11/27/06 01:45 PM)
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#96510 - 11/28/06 02:21 AM Re: Christmas Support Group [Re: Eagle Heart]
klmr13 Offline


Registered: 10/14/06
Posts: 180
Loc: Stars Hollow
Eagle...I'm right there with you! I am trying very hard to put up a brave front, just as I did last year, but it's really difficult. I look at Christmas decorations and I feel NOTHING. Years ago, I was a person who couldn't wait for Christmas...now I look forward to January 2nd!

I do realize that no one lives forever, and my parents lived long lives...but that doesn't make it any easier to take. They were so much more than parents - we always looked out for each other, and helped each other. I know I was blessed, and I guess that's why I feel the loss so deeply.

On top of that, I am saddened to see how this holiday becomes more and more commercial each year. When I saw guys on the news fighting with each other over something they wanted to purchase...well, it makes me sick!
I long for the days of family being together and simple gifts.

Anyway, please feel free to share what's on your mind and in your heart.
_________________________
"Were it not for hope, the heart would break"...an old Scottish proverb

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#96511 - 11/28/06 03:04 AM Re: Christmas Support Group [Re: klmr13]
Happy Birthday Princess Lenora Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 3503
Loc: Colorado
Eagle, I would like to offer any support that I can in safety and compassion.

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#96512 - 11/28/06 03:27 AM Re: Christmas Support Group [Re: Princess Lenora]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Lynnie, your thoughts, care and wisdom are always welcome beacons of light. Thank you.

Klm13, I hear you and know exactly what you're saying. I want to be able to fully embrace the spirit of the season, but keep hitting that brick wall of sadness. When Dad died, Christmas-as-we-knew-it died too. Mom died two years later and since then, Christmas just gets harder and harder to get through. Part of it is that it has become a week-long blur of endless cooking and cleaning now, with very little time to actually sit and enjoy the family I'm cooking for and cleaning after. They do try to help, but sometimes their "help" requires even more cleaning-up-after!!!

Part of it is that the gathering has completely changed - over the past few years, I've had to trade in almost all of my family's traditions for hubby's family's preferences. They didn't even celebrate Christmas before I married my husband - now they want everything their way. And that just ends up rubbing salt in the wound, because if I could maintain some of the traditions that I've enjoyed since early childhood, maybe that would lessen the agony of absence just a little.

But I'm determined to persevere. Since I have very little of my own family traditions left to cling to, I cling to my faith and find comfort in the "reason for the season". Nobody can take that away, can they!

Anyway, I think/hope it will help us get ourselves through, knowing that others are traveling this same rocky road with us. I always find it comforting to know I'm not stumbling alone in the dark. Maybe our support for one another will shed enough light into that dreaded blur that we will actually find enough light to get us safely - and joyfully? - through to January 2nd!

I should add that this year is especially difficult because my brother's still in the middle of his chemo treatments and is very weak. We won't be able to have all of the family over for supper on the 25th because my brother just won't be able to handle it all. I'm more than okay with that, I'll actually enjoy the small intimate (and very peaceful) Christmas day and dinner for a change. But I'm stressed out because of the repercussions that will have on hubby's family (not being invited for Christmas dinner this year). We'll do a 2nd Christmas for them at New Year's, but I don't think it will be enough to placate them.


Edited by Eagle Heart (11/28/06 03:34 AM)
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#96513 - 11/28/06 04:54 AM Re: Christmas Support Group [Re: Eagle Heart]
49erDonna Offline
Member

Registered: 06/24/06
Posts: 384
Loc: California
Definitely!

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#96514 - 11/28/06 09:31 AM Re: Christmas Support Group [Re: 49erDonna]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Eagle Heart, please correct me if I'm wrong, but could it be that everyone just expects too much from you? Could it be that you are just plain plum burnt out?

From what you have described, that is how I usually feel after Christmas.

I prepare and work so hard behind the scenes for weeks, just to make everything perfect for others. In the process I usually forget about "moi". And then, after everything is over, I feel let -down and "burnt-out." Like no-one else has even attempted to do as much as I have done. Every Christmas I write poems, the years memoirs, and behind each present are miles of running around and comparing. It all has to be so perfect. As I write this, I think this sounds so sick.

Well, this Christmas, I'm doing something else for the first time. I'm limiting the presents to just one for each from Hubby and me. I always had the feeling that piles of presents under the tree had to be there to fill out the long Christmas Eve. This year if we finish unwrapping our presents in an hour, that's fine with me. Then we can focus on our grandchild and on each other. We can sit quietly together, and not have the constant flying paper and ribbons in the air. We can enjoy one another's company and allow the real meaning of Christmas enter our hearts. This Christmas will be the first Christmas that won't be celebrated at the cost of one exhausted mother/grandmother; me. Phew and Hooray.

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#96515 - 11/28/06 09:51 AM Re: Christmas Support Group [Re: Edelweiss]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Eagle Heart sometimes we have to make choices, some hard, some not so hard. You are faced with a brother with a life threatening condition and no guarantees. You need to be able to use your energy to make this the best Christmas ever for him. Try not to worry about those people that have no love for anyone but themselves anyhow. Talk to your husband, and as long as he is alright with your decision, the hell with the rest of his clan. No matter what you do, it never seems to be enough for them anyway so do what you have to do. Enjoy your holiday with your brother and if they grumble and carry on too much; don't invite them for New Years either. People will treat us the way we allow them to treat us....You're an angel and they don't deserve you.


Edited by chatty lady (11/28/06 09:52 AM)
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#96516 - 11/28/06 01:23 PM Re: Christmas Support Group [Re: chatty lady]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Chatty, you know just the right thing to say! You're right, this year Christmas is all about my brother. I'm so sure about that that it really doesn't matter what the others think about it, it's just the way it is this year. I like the idea that if they grumble and give us a hard time, we'll just forget about New Years too! The only person I'm really concerned about on that side is my 5 year old granddaughter. We're still going to make sure we connect with her on the 25th, probably will drive over in the afternoon with all the gifts, but she's going to have a hard time understanding why they can't come for supper. But this year with a new baby in the house, maybe they won't want to travel anyway. I may be worrying about something that won't even happen!! I really do just have to take some deep breaths, focus on what's important and let the rest of it slide into the background. I really appreciate your wisdom and thoughtfulness, Chatty. Thanks.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#96517 - 11/28/06 01:33 PM Re: Christmas Support Group [Re: Edelweiss]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Hannelore, "burnt-out" is a very apt description of how I'm feeling these days. And I know I have to just "stop" and take those deep breaths and refocus on what's important this year and let all the other stuff slide.

Hubby and I have been planning a major change in the way we celebrate Christmas. We knew we couldn't change too much this year because we need to give our family ample warning, and also because there have already been so many major upheavals in everyone's lives this past year. We didn't want to add such drastic change to Christmas on top of a year that has left all of us really needing some sense of continuity and normalcy. So we left Christmas alone this year - other than restricting the 25th supper to just my brother and step-daughter.

Next year, though, we're planning to go away on a Christmas vacation and let everyone do their own Christmas thing. Then when we get back, we're going to drastically change how we do it. Like you, we're going to only buy one gift for each person, lowering the limit of each gift at the same time, and we're going to simplify the entire holiday season so that the focus is on celebrating the joy of Christ and love of family. The gifts will be small tokens of our love for each person.

Our Christmases have become far too extravagant (based on everyone's expectations from years past) and overwhelmingly exhausting for me, who, like you, has to work 24/7 in the background coordinating everything and ending up totally burnt-out and unable to enjoy the festivities or time with my family.

It IS a choice...we choose the Christmas we want...it's been years since I've had the spiritually-joyful Christmas that I want. It's my fault for allowing myself to be pressured by the in-laws, but hubby agrees that it's time for drastic changes. Next year.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#96518 - 11/28/06 01:36 PM Re: Christmas Support Group [Re: Eagle Heart]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
PS Hannelore, I echo your "Phew and Hooray"...good for you for being able to go toward the Christmas that you want! I'm getting there...too late for this year, but this year's burn out will compel me to implement changes for next year.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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