Last night I posted a rather downhearted response in another thread about Christmas, then deleted it later. I didn't want to hijack what was probably meant to be a joyful thread. But I've been thinking throughout the night about it, and decided that maybe it's not such a bad idea to start a separate thread for those of us who DO find Christmas stressful and/or sad and don't find it easy to be merry and bright for many reasons.

So I thought I'd see if there is any interest in starting a Christmas Support Group here, for those of us who know we're going to be struggling with Christmas this year. We do know that it's a joyful season and that there are lots of reasons to be glad and grateful and to celebrate, and inside of our hearts, we do celebrate, or want to celebrate, as best as we can. But for many of us, it's hard to do that "mind over matter" thing 24/7 and ignore the ongoing agonies in our life. We do smile through the pain and we do wrap the gifts and make the holidays as bright and joyful as we can, but inside of us, some of us are hurting so bad that it's more of a struggle and burden than the joy it is for so many others.

Would anyone else be interested in having this thread around? If so, I have to ask that everyone who participates here be compassionate and understanding with those of us who are still "works in progress" and who just can't muster up the "merry and bright" as easily as others can. The last thing we need is more condemnation or more people telling us to just get over it. Some things aren't easily gotten over, even (or especially) at Christmas.

I'd like to provide a safe place for us strugglers to vent, weep, share stress stories, and then bolster each other up by listening and caring...just helping each other through the next few weeks.

Anyone interested? As many of you know I'm not here as often as I'd like. I'm very scattered these days, but do try to get here at least once in the mornings and again in the evenings. So if something gets started here, and you don't see me here for awhile, don't think I've "dined and dashed" - I'll be back! Life is overwhelming me these days (which is partly why I need this kind of support right now!)

Eagle...I'm right there with you! I am trying very hard to put up a brave front, just as I did last year, but it's really difficult. I look at Christmas decorations and I feel NOTHING. Years ago, I was a person who couldn't wait for Christmas...now I look forward to January 2nd!

I do realize that no one lives forever, and my parents lived long lives...but that doesn't make it any easier to take. They were so much more than parents - we always looked out for each other, and helped each other. I know I was blessed, and I guess that's why I feel the loss so deeply.

On top of that, I am saddened to see how this holiday becomes more and more commercial each year. When I saw guys on the news fighting with each other over something they wanted to purchase...well, it makes me sick!
I long for the days of family being together and simple gifts.

Anyway, please feel free to share what's on your mind and in your heart.

Eagle, I would like to offer any support that I can in safety and compassion.

Lynnie, your thoughts, care and wisdom are always welcome beacons of light. Thank you.

Klm13, I hear you and know exactly what you're saying. I want to be able to fully embrace the spirit of the season, but keep hitting that brick wall of sadness. When Dad died, Christmas-as-we-knew-it died too. Mom died two years later and since then, Christmas just gets harder and harder to get through. Part of it is that it has become a week-long blur of endless cooking and cleaning now, with very little time to actually sit and enjoy the family I'm cooking for and cleaning after. They do try to help, but sometimes their "help" requires even more cleaning-up-after!!!

Part of it is that the gathering has completely changed - over the past few years, I've had to trade in almost all of my family's traditions for hubby's family's preferences. They didn't even celebrate Christmas before I married my husband - now they want everything their way. And that just ends up rubbing salt in the wound, because if I could maintain some of the traditions that I've enjoyed since early childhood, maybe that would lessen the agony of absence just a little.

But I'm determined to persevere. Since I have very little of my own family traditions left to cling to, I cling to my faith and find comfort in the "reason for the season". Nobody can take that away, can they!

Anyway, I think/hope it will help us get ourselves through, knowing that others are traveling this same rocky road with us. I always find it comforting to know I'm not stumbling alone in the dark. Maybe our support for one another will shed enough light into that dreaded blur that we will actually find enough light to get us safely - and joyfully? - through to January 2nd!

I should add that this year is especially difficult because my brother's still in the middle of his chemo treatments and is very weak. We won't be able to have all of the family over for supper on the 25th because my brother just won't be able to handle it all. I'm more than okay with that, I'll actually enjoy the small intimate (and very peaceful) Christmas day and dinner for a change. But I'm stressed out because of the repercussions that will have on hubby's family (not being invited for Christmas dinner this year). We'll do a 2nd Christmas for them at New Year's, but I don't think it will be enough to placate them.

Definitely!

Eagle Heart, please correct me if I'm wrong, but could it be that everyone just expects too much from you? Could it be that you are just plain plum burnt out?

From what you have described, that is how I usually feel after Christmas.

I prepare and work so hard behind the scenes for weeks, just to make everything perfect for others. In the process I usually forget about "moi". And then, after everything is over, I feel let -down and "burnt-out." Like no-one else has even attempted to do as much as I have done. Every Christmas I write poems, the years memoirs, and behind each present are miles of running around and comparing. It all has to be so perfect. As I write this, I think this sounds so sick.

Well, this Christmas, I'm doing something else for the first time. I'm limiting the presents to just one for each from Hubby and me. I always had the feeling that piles of presents under the tree had to be there to fill out the long Christmas Eve. This year if we finish unwrapping our presents in an hour, that's fine with me. Then we can focus on our grandchild and on each other. We can sit quietly together, and not have the constant flying paper and ribbons in the air. We can enjoy one another's company and allow the real meaning of Christmas enter our hearts. This Christmas will be the first Christmas that won't be celebrated at the cost of one exhausted mother/grandmother; me. Phew and Hooray.

Eagle Heart sometimes we have to make choices, some hard, some not so hard. You are faced with a brother with a life threatening condition and no guarantees. You need to be able to use your energy to make this the best Christmas ever for him. Try not to worry about those people that have no love for anyone but themselves anyhow. Talk to your husband, and as long as he is alright with your decision, the hell with the rest of his clan. No matter what you do, it never seems to be enough for them anyway so do what you have to do. Enjoy your holiday with your brother and if they grumble and carry on too much; don't invite them for New Years either. People will treat us the way we allow them to treat us....You're an angel and they don't deserve you.

Chatty, you know just the right thing to say! You're right, this year Christmas is all about my brother. I'm so sure about that that it really doesn't matter what the others think about it, it's just the way it is this year. I like the idea that if they grumble and give us a hard time, we'll just forget about New Years too! The only person I'm really concerned about on that side is my 5 year old granddaughter. We're still going to make sure we connect with her on the 25th, probably will drive over in the afternoon with all the gifts, but she's going to have a hard time understanding why they can't come for supper. But this year with a new baby in the house, maybe they won't want to travel anyway. I may be worrying about something that won't even happen!! I really do just have to take some deep breaths, focus on what's important and let the rest of it slide into the background. I really appreciate your wisdom and thoughtfulness, Chatty. Thanks.

Hannelore, "burnt-out" is a very apt description of how I'm feeling these days. And I know I have to just "stop" and take those deep breaths and refocus on what's important this year and let all the other stuff slide.

Hubby and I have been planning a major change in the way we celebrate Christmas. We knew we couldn't change too much this year because we need to give our family ample warning, and also because there have already been so many major upheavals in everyone's lives this past year. We didn't want to add such drastic change to Christmas on top of a year that has left all of us really needing some sense of continuity and normalcy. So we left Christmas alone this year - other than restricting the 25th supper to just my brother and step-daughter.

Next year, though, we're planning to go away on a Christmas vacation and let everyone do their own Christmas thing. Then when we get back, we're going to drastically change how we do it. Like you, we're going to only buy one gift for each person, lowering the limit of each gift at the same time, and we're going to simplify the entire holiday season so that the focus is on celebrating the joy of Christ and love of family. The gifts will be small tokens of our love for each person.

Our Christmases have become far too extravagant (based on everyone's expectations from years past) and overwhelmingly exhausting for me, who, like you, has to work 24/7 in the background coordinating everything and ending up totally burnt-out and unable to enjoy the festivities or time with my family.

It IS a choice...we choose the Christmas we want...it's been years since I've had the spiritually-joyful Christmas that I want. It's my fault for allowing myself to be pressured by the in-laws, but hubby agrees that it's time for drastic changes. Next year.

PS Hannelore, I echo your "Phew and Hooray"...good for you for being able to go toward the Christmas that you want! I'm getting there...too late for this year, but this year's burn out will compel me to implement changes for next year.

Eagle, this is the perfect year for you to make changes becasue you have a sick brother and people will have to understand.

I recall Christmas for the first seven years we were married. All we did was run around like nuts. The year our daughter arrived from Korea on December 21st, our son got pneumonia. We HAD to stay home. My MIL brought us Christmas dinner on plates from my SIL's house. It was wonderful. We've never left home on Christmas day again. It was the perfect year for us to make the much needed change.

Perhaps this is your year Eagle.

This post reminds me of expectations. This is something we discuss quite often at prayer group. We often talk about lowering our expectations of others, but during the Christmas season, we need to lower our expectations of our selves.

This is something I like about being at midlife. We've learned from past mistakes and have the guts to look out for ourselves.

I try not to get overwhelmed because I pace myself, but come to think of it, I still am the one doing most of the work. Hmmm.

I appreciate this post because I have a couple family members who cringe at the thought of the holidays. This year I will see what I can do to make their holidays more meaningful.

I'm not looking forward to Christmas this year either but am going to put my best foot forward and give it my best shot.
I think this support group forum is a great idea. I haven't been visiting BWS much lately because I've been feeling down and didn't want to depress everyone. At least if I do feel down and I come here, I know I'm among people who feel the same way.
I wasn't going to decorate this year but then decided to do it and include special decorations for the people who we are missing this year and from year's past. An angel for my SIL, a standing buck for my Dad.
I hope we can all help each other through this season.

TVC15, This is EXACTLY what this thread is for, for those of us who are down and don't want to depress everyone else. Let's make this a safe place for anyone to be whoever, whatever we are - depressed, sad, stressed, lonely - together. Together I know we'll get each other through.

I've struggled with the decorating part of holidays ever since Mom died. It was Lynnie who helped me resolve that last year (though I do still dread having to do it, but I think I've learned that it's the overwhelming energy drain that I dread the most). Lynnie doesn't know it, but her "light and love" signature and life motto sparked something in me and has become my own self-propelling mantra. I incorporated that into my home decor - I've simplified and decluttered, and only a few choice knick-knacks/decorations stay out - every single thing that is displayed anywhere in our house represents either light or love (or both). The change has been very welcome. Our home feels warm and welcoming, and my "light and love" environment surrounds me with serenity and peace in the midst of all the other chaos going on.

I'm going to do that with my Christmas decorations too - put only a few favourite pieces out that speak "light and love" (actually, everything will pretty much focus around the nativity set.) That way, it not only keeps it from being burdensome and exhausting to decorate, but will hopefully bring joy and calm, because it will help me to keep my focus on what's important to me - the light and love of my God, family and friends.

Dotsie, I want to respond, but will have to wait until tonight. We're on the run (brother's doctor appointment - and he wants tacos for supper tonight - only the second time in six months he's had a hankering for something specific!)

EAgle, I love the love and light decorating idea! That is super. I will keep that in mind as I decorate too, for the holidays and after! Way to go Lynnie for giving Eagle the idea!
Eagle, don't be too disappointed if your brother decides that he isn't exactly in the mood for the tacos after he has them. Even a few bites would be great! The fact that he is craving something is wonderful in its own right.
Hugs,
and again I think this thread is a great idea! For some strange reason, it makes me feel better just knowing I can come here. I'm not the type who wants to be a whiner or a crier and like I said, I was staying away because of my foul mood lately. Thank you for coming up with the great idea!
And Dotsie I know what you're thinking, this is what the entire site is about, support, but sometimes when you're feeling down, you just don't want to bring everyone else down with you. Thank you for providing this wonderful place for us!

My sister-in-law died last night. She had lived with us the past year

This is going to be an exceptionally sad Christmas for my husband. He has lost his dad, mom, older brother and sister, son and now his baby sister.

And somehow I have to find the way to get him through the holidays -- when my own heart is so sad to be away from my grandbaby, son and DIL.

So (((( thank you Eagle ))) for starting this thread -- together we'll get through

Oh, I'm so sorry! Had she been ill? (I apologize if you mentioned it on this forum already - I don't read all the topics) And did he lose all those family members just in this one year?

He's very lucky to have you - stay together and be strong.

Dwight's family has (hereditary) polycystic kidney disease. He lost his mom and dad back in 1984 (his dad died of cancer) and then August of 2001 he lost his older brother - 2 weeks later his older sister - and 4 days later our son. Now Joni - who has been sick for many years with the kidney problems and recently her heart has passed on. So he has one more sister and 2 nephews (all three have the disease) left.

Hubby is the only one in the family that doesn't have the illness, so he's going through "survivors guilt" on top of all the other emotions. Since no one has made it past the age of 61 (and he turned 58 this year) I think he also has the "mortality issue" on the back of his mind too. Right now I think he's more "numb" than anything.

But we are strong together and I have all you ladies to come lean on --- so this too shall pass.

I haven't been able to pinpoint the sadness I feel at Christmas time. One of the things that puts a damper on all holidays or special events, (ie, Birthdays or anniversaries) comes from my Mom. She always says "It's just another day." My husband says that my parents don't like to give gifts and when they do they expect you to just be thrilled and thankful because they were so gracious. I agree with him. We went to Hawaii with friends 2 Christmas's ago. I would like to be out of town again this year, but DH wants to go to his parents. They are 85 and 90 so he wants to spend time with them while he can. I love them both and get along with them so it isn't a problem being there. Except the BEDS are not good. I sleep on the couch (OUCH) and he sleeps in the twin bed that sags in the middle. Three nights and I have to go home I hurt so much.
Well, I know it shouldn't matter what my mom says or thinks and I shouldn't feel guilty not wanting to spend time with them. I know that I can and am free to do whatever I want to do. I think what I want is for the past to still be here when it was fun and the whole family was together. But, alas my foster brother is gone, my favorite aunt is gone, feels like my mom is half gone. We are trying to set new traditions of our own and haven't come up with anything yet that works every year. Hope springs eternal and I pray that God will show us what to do.
Thanks for listening.

Lionsheart, I send you my sympathies, and wish you strength to help your husband through the holidays. Your name Lionsheart eminates that. Bless you.

Lion,
I'm so sorry for your loss. this is the worst time of the year to deal with that. We lost my SIL Dec. 23, 2 years ago and we all still feel it.

I'm sure you will make the right decision Ruby.

Yesterday I found a gift that I had bought for my Dad, early Christmas gift, that I forgot about when I left to go care for him. You can imagine how my day went after that.
Anyway, I'm glad we are all here for each other!

Oh Carolyn, I'm so sorry about your sister-in-law! That will make the Christmas season difficult to struggle through. I'm continuing to carry you and your husband in my heart-prayers throughout the coming weeks.

Ruby, I'm glad you posted. The only thing I can say out of my own on-going experience is that we get the Christmas we plan for. In other words, whatever our focus is, that's the Christmas we make for ourselves. If we focus on it being "just another day", that's all it will be in the end. If we focus on the extravagance of gifts, it will be a day of gifts - and over when the gifts are all unwrapped. If we focus on being together with family, all of our preparations will be centered around making sure the family we want there will be there. It's tough when others try to steal our joy, but somewhere along the way, if we truly want to have the Christmas WE want, we have to put our foot down and declare it to be so.

I know, I know, I should be practising what I preach. It's hard when there are conflicting family dynamics at play. Somehow we have to stay focused on what's important to US and how we choose to view Christmas. For me, it's a joyful spiritual gift from God, but I'm the ONLY one on hubby's side of the family who is so spiritually inclined, so it makes it difficult to bring that aspect to the forefront. But in my heart, I refuse to give it up, and am making my way to the point where I will - one of these years - declare it to be so, that if my in-laws want to celebrate Christmas in my house, they will celebrate it WITH me, not against my beliefs and spiritual values. It's coming...for the past two Christmases, the most prominent Christmas decoration has been the nativity scene and everything else has focused around it, so the rest of the family know now what's important to me.

So stay your own course, and decide what YOU want Christmas to be, and even if the actual circumstances don't completely jive with that vision, you will still carry in your heart your own core "reason for the season".

TVC15, my Dad died two weeks after Christmas of 1999. He never had a chance to use the Christmas gift (a fancy nut cracker he had asked for) we had bought him - or the birthday gifts we had wrapped for his birthday in February. It was painful to see these things that we had lovingly bought for him, but in the end, we decided to use the nut cracker ourselves in memory of him - to this day, whenever we use it, especially at Christmas when all the family's here, we think of him and thank him for the lovely nut cracker!

Eagle,
My SIL said almost the same thing. She said it will be a nice remembrance of him. It just hurts too much right now to think of it that way.

TVC15, I so understand the pain. Your post reminded me of how long it took for me to be able to even look at a picture of my Dad after he died. We had a beautiful portrait of both Mom and Dad hanging on the wall above the piano. So whenever I would play, I'd look up and see them. But everytime I looked into my Dad's eyes, I would break down and sob uncontrollably. This continued on for weeks and months, until I stopped playing the piano altogether. Finally we had to take the picture down from there and move it to our family photo gallery along the staircase.

It's not as painful now, but even after six years, my eyes still leak whenever I really look at the photo and see those beloved eyes that I miss so much.

Holidays are tricky for me...they're the time when I miss being a part of a traditional family the most. I thought I'd share the tips from this month's Bertha-Zine with you. Some of them may seem a bit glib but there are some useful tips in Bertha's 'splaining!

The trickiest one for me has been to be flexible about when we celebrate because that often leaves me over and done with everything by Christmas Day!

Here goes....


Holidays got you down? Join the club. There seems to be so many places to go and so many things to do...cooking, eating, eating, eating...did I mention eating? Then there's shopping and decorating and visiting with friends and family...all on top of your normal responsibilities. It's like taking on another full-time job!



In fact I mentioned to Bertha...I don't know why I keep doing that...you'd think I'd learn to keep my mouth shut...but I haven't, so I mentioned to Bertha that this year I'd be happy just to survive the holidays! I mean I've got the new radio show and my coaching practice is growing...thankfully...my journal is due out any day...my re-writes on Putting Your Best Foot Forward are over-due...I'm going out of town for 10 days and then I'll have family coming here...I'm getting tired just thinking about it!



My whining was enough to make Bertha take to her soapbox...which she gladly does at the drop of a Santa hat anyway...to dispense her words of holiday wisdom.



She's up there now dressed in red velvet capris with a matching fitted, low-cut jacket trimmed in white faux fur, red jingle-belled stilettos and of course a Santa hat. By all appearances she's ranting and raving although she says she's just 'splaining...'splaining that it's not about surviving, that's for hurricanes and wars and when they run out of size 7s at the 2-for-1 sale at High-Heels R US. Holidays are more about being kind and finding ways to love yourself and your fellow man...



She's on quite a roll so I think I'll just share the highlights with you here...



Bertha's Holiday Loving Tips



Get a festive manicure and pedicure. Bertha's favorite is Deck the Halls...you guessed it...green with red dots! Manicures and pedicures are always the first on Bertha's list but you can choose anything that strikes your fancy...even a Saturday afternoon nap in the midst of all the hurry and flurry counts! The main thing is to take care of yourself during the holidays.


Set an intention to have the best time ever...no matter who gets to be there or what you're doing. Bertha says it's harder to get the whole family together these days than getting the cat to...than getting the cat to...than getting the cat to do much of anything! She recommends learning to be flexible and creative...a Saturday afternoon skating party...get together for a day after party where you play Dirty Santa with the gifts that you'd otherwise be exchanging...have a Partridge in a Pear Tree Party on the first day of Christmas...start a fun new tradition...


Don't go for broke...leave home without it for a change. Bertha says the best gifts really are from the heart and don't involve taking out a second mortgage as many of the commercials lead you to believe. Personally, Bertha thinks having Santa hock the title to the sleigh to buy presents is wrong...and for once, I agree with her! Some ideas include: shopping for or driving an elderly family member or neighbor, baby sitting for new parents or caregivers, visiting shut-ins, invite your favorite child for a day of cookie baking or football tossing, and for that special someone...be creative...ohhhh, la, la naughty can be nice!


Become forgetful. Huh? That's right. Forget about June Cleaver! Think about Jane Carroll instead. What does she really want? Go for the essence of your desires. Fast food served on Christmas china can be a lot of fun and you won't be so stressed from cooking.


Decorate for yourself. If you love it...go for it...if you're like me...a wreath and a poinsettia do just fine...besides who has room for a tree with Bertha's soapbox in the middle of the living room...hmmmmm...maybe I could find time to put up a tree?!


And last but not least...Bertha says to be grateful. It's next to impossible to feel stressed or sad and grateful at the same time. The only problem is...it's hard to jump straight from stressed to grateful...thankfully, Bertha has a solution for that...take a small notepad and jot down as many things as you can that you are grateful for (do it on a day when you feel great!) then tuck it away in your purse...next time you feel sad or lonely...pull it out and have a look...you'll feel better in no time!

Bertha's climbing off the soapbox now but she asked me to remind you that she would love to join your family and friends for the holidays. So order lots of books because everyone is going to want a copy!



Happy Holidays!

Today hubby and I were doing some more Christmas shopping (almost done), and I decided to drop into the VON headquarters office that's located in that mall. (VON is the Victoria Order of Nurses - they provide a wide array of home care services). My brother was confused about whether or not he's still under their care since nobody's visited him since the end of September (and I kept forgetting to phone). Anyway, the co-ordinator of my brother's care network met with me. I don't know what set me off, but I began sobbing uncontrollably right there in the waiting room while she was giving me the phone number of my brother's actual caseworker. I was so embarrassed, but she took me into her office and made the phone call that will hopefully help my brother get some in-home care. Not that I want to relinquish any of what I'm doing for him, but it would be so helpful if someone could go in once or twice a week to cook him a meal.

We're looking into Meals on Wheels as another option, perhaps for the month or so after he finishes chemo (in February) but we think that a real live person would be better for him right now.

The sobbing gave me a clear indication of just how stressed I really am...not so much because of my brother, but all of the other things going on in our lives right now, including "Christmas anxiety", or maybe it would be more accurate to call it "in-law anxiety!".

Sometimes, caring for my brother is actually an oasis of calm for me, but the time-demands of everything else going on (very energy-draining) at the same time seems to be what's overwhelming me.

I've been trying to find a spare hour or two to go and get my hair done - it's a mess. I finally called but because of having to work it around chemo, doctor and other family commitments, I can't get an appt until the 18th.

I don't know where I'm going with this post. Just thinking that it's not easy to just stop and get off the roller coaster. I guess we have to try and find those small pockets of calm amidst the chaos of whatever ride we're stuck on. Stress, in-law anxiety, family commitments, time obligations, expectations, grief, sadness - some of us are bombarded by too much at once and it does threaten to steal our joy and energy. I cried some of it out in that VON's arms today, but I guess I'll have to find better ways to ground myself while this roller coaster continues to throw me around the curves.

Eagle,

Sounds like that cry was way overdue. Sometimes we need that sweet release. I'm also glad that you have more care options for your brother.

Please find a few minutes every day to do something nice for yourself...you deserve it and you need it.

Take care...

On the list of things you have on your mind, I know your hair is down nearer the bottom. But I just wanted to suggest what I do. I have my "first choice" hair salon, which takes appointments and it is hard to get one during their busy season. But then I also go to one of those "walk-in" type salons that don't accept appointments in-between. Here in NJ it's called "Super Cuts", but I know they have other names in different states. There I don't go for a new style, but when I need just a basic trim - they just follow the style I have and neaten things up. At Super Cuts I can call ahead and they'll tell me how many people (and how long it'll take) are ahead of me.

If you get your hair trimmed, it'll help you feel a tiny bit better. We always tend to put ourselves on the bottom of the list. Chin up, Eagle!

Hi Eagle,
I can so relate to what you are saying about your hair. I didn't do anything to take care of myself while caring for my Dad until one day while out picking up some groceries I went into a nail salon and got my eyebrows waxed. I didn't bring a tweezer when I left home and instead of buying one, I had them done. I really felt good after that, (even though it actually hurt. I'd always done my own up until that day) Take some time for yourself. I know it's really hard to do that, but you won't regret it. In fact, you really need to spend a few minutes on yourself sometimes. It will recharge you and help relieve some of the stress.

It's great about VON helping too. I know while I was caring for my Dad, even though we were doing all that we could, I always felt like maybe there was something else that I should be doing, or more. My Dad ended up on Hospice and when they came in to help, I felt so much better knowing that he was getting everything he could possibly need. We still did what we were doing but just having someone else check, and help, made me feel so much better. It was like someone saying, yes, you are doing everything right, Keep it up.

The crying is natural too. We need to release the tension sometimes. Towards the end, I got a phone call from a distant family member. That day had been a rough one and I didn't think I could go on but this person had just been through what I was in the middle of and talking to him really, really helped me. I am so grateful to him. I cried and he comforted me. Eagle, let it out when you need to, where ever you are. Believe it or not, crying it out will also help to recharge you and in return help you to be a better caretaker for your brother.

I'm sorry that you have the holidays to deal with right now. That makes everything harder. I missed my 29th wedding anniversary with my husband and that was hard but I think the holidays would be worse.

Hugs to you and yours!

Thanks Jane, KLM and TVC. Today was a much better day. Chemo days are usually quite serene for me. And being at my brother's apartment is often like a wee oasis in the middle of the chaos. It's very peaceful here. The hard times are when I'm running back and forth between here and home, while juggling chores, grocery shopping and cooking between the two. But when I know I'm here for a few days, I just relax into the quiet (brother naps most of the day) and catch up with my prayertimes, being here and napping myself.

I feel better today. Much more capable of carrying on through both the cancer trek and the Christmas preparations. I'm not going to be "on schedule" for the Christmas decorating or cards or anything, but hubby's been helping me get all the Christmas shopping and menu planning done, so that's a relief. The only shopping I have left to do is for my brother. He wants to go the shopping centre one day next week, where he'll get a wheelchair (big step for him!) and let me wheel him around to all the stores he knows he wants to browse and shop in. I'm so thrilled that he wants to do his own Christmas shopping! That takes another bit of the burden off my shoulders.

I'm so grateful for this place (BWS) to come "home" to. There is an immeasurable, priceless peace that comes from knowing you are all here, and that we can come together throughout the patches of our days and connect, chat, vent, heal, listen, laugh, weep and send each other on our way with prayer, care and loving support to lean against. You women mean the world to me, and I thank you so very much for being here and sharing your hearts and wisdom within these hallowed cyber-halls!

PS My hair actually co-operated today...until I had to stand out in the freezing rain to watch for hubby's car. Talk about a deep-frizzzz! LOL.

Oh and I would be so happy for a bit of frizz which usually means body to very fine hair. I am always amazed with the fact that women who have thick hair would like less, those of us with less would like more, curly haired women want straight and straight haired women want curly etc. etc. What is our problem anyhow? I have mine cut very short and theres no muss or fuss and its great.

Chatty, I'm one of those curly who wants straight girls!

Eagle, the wheelchair is a big step. Good for him wanting to get out and shop! That is fantastic.

I wouldn't mind either curly or straight, but this frizz is downright impossible to manage. It just looks like a mass of dry straw (despite good conditioning)...if I'm not careful, someone's going to mistake my head for the local nativity manger scene and try to nestle the baby Jesus in my hair!

I know the feeling Eagle. What I failed to mention is that my curly hair is very very dry. It looks okay right after I do it but once it's done, I can't touch it, comb it, brush it, or go outside. In fact, I can't even walk very fast out of the bathroom or it turns to straw.

ROTFL, TVC! It's so irritating, isn't it. When I get out of the shower with the leave-in conditioner still left in, my hair looks so promising. But by the time I get downstairs, it looks like an old brillo pad (and not the tidy curly kind). Very dry. I have good quality conditioning shampoos, leave-in conditioners, touch-up de-frizzers, special combs, but alas, for about 3 months of the year, it's simply unmanageable. It would probably be a good time to get it all cut off, but hubby prefers the dry, straw LONG hair to the soft, curly SHORT hair, so I'm willing to weather the dry spell.

We usually go down south for a few weeks every February (won't be going this year because that's when my brother will find out if the chemo has worked and we want to be here with him for the news). As soon as we get down there, my hair becomes luscious and curly.

My hairdresser will know what to do with it - I just have to keep a pretty hat on between now and the 18th!

My hubby likes it long too. I live in the south and I still have a problem. Oh well! We could have a lot worse problems, right?

Amen to that! Most days I don't even think about it. Like you said, there are a lot worse problems...like my brother who's LOSING all his hair...we think he'll be completely bald by Christmas. As a joke, I bought him some "anti-poof" shampoo. He was not amused. (But I notice that he keeps the bottle prominently displayed in the bathroom)

Lion, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your SIL, and for all the other losses endured by you and your family. And truly I am so sorry to everyone who experiences such profound loss. Eagle, thanks for what you said about Love and Light. I truly believe that love is the essence of us all, and in the end, all there is is love. The light is about being enLIGHTened to the LOVE. Eagle, the real gift in this Christmas season is the love that you are showing for your brother. We don't all get the opportunity to show/tell someone how much he/she means to us in our earthly journey. You and your brother are in the midst of an opportunity to give and receive love on earth. Too many of us let the moments on earth slip away, and when someone leaves this earth, we regret that we did not express to that person how much we cared. There is no wrapped present more worthwhile than the activities you are doing for and with YB. YH too is being able to give what is really real by being as supportive as possible. The VON gave YOU a gift by being there for your tears. Making one more phone call can be so overwhelming! The in-laws? You are not responsible for their happiness, or lack of. But the niece with the divorcing parents: she needs some tradition and security. There are so many of us who are facing the 1st or 2nd or 10th season without a parent; it's just the age range we are in with elderly parents. I feel so sad for my brother and his wife and his daughter facing the first Christmas without his son who died at age 17 Feb 2006. And survivor's guilt? How dare I enjoy this Christmas when my father, a brother, a sister, a close cousin, a nephew, grandparents, etc are no longer here? How dare I NOT? I am given the gift of being here to awake on that day for praise and celebration. I had always wanted a way to let my old grandmother know how much she meant to me. Each year, across the distance, I would send her gifts: a shawl, a robe, pjs, anything to keep her old bones warm. Then, 2 years ago, when she was 98, she got very sick. We thought she was ready to die. The family around her was going crazy caring for her. I flew from Missouri to Pennsylvania 2 times that summer to care for her, and offer the caretakers some relief. The hospital had discharged her to the care of the nursing home. But a bed was suddenly not available! So she had to be cared for at home. I spent 24/7 with her, looking into her eyes, saying I love you, helping her onto the porta-potty in her room (she was so sick the bathroom was too far) cleaning her vomit, tucking her in, just like she had for me when I was little. The last night at home before the nursing home room was finally ready, I slept not in the adjacent bedroom, but with her (she piled on 7 blankets in summer) I listened all night for her breath, literally waiting for the last one. We all thought she might not make it through the night to get to the nursing home. She thought she was going to the nursing home to die, we had to convince her she was going there to get better. Anyway, she made it through the night. While I was packing her suitcase the next morning, I came across the shawl, the robe, the pjs, still in their boxes, with the various post marks of the different states I had lived in at the time that I sent them, some with torn wrapping. She never even wore the gifts I sent her! She was too attached to her old things. But you know what? The real gift TO ME was not in the box. The gift was that I had prayed for a way to show my grandmother how much she meant to me before she died, and an opportunity was PRESENTed to me via caretaking. She celebrated her 100th birthday last August. And she knows, and I know she knows, how much I love her. So, may you all be gifted with presents that a box cannot contain. Love and Light, Lynn

(Quote) Ruby, I'm glad you posted. The only thing I can say out of my own on-going experience is that we get the Christmas we plan for. In other words, whatever our focus is, that's the Christmas we make for ourselves. If we focus on it being "just another day", that's all it will be in the end.

Eagle Heart thank you for those sage words. They mean a lot to me. I understand what you are saying. When you mentioned that I should have the people around that I want my first thought was friends not family. I am beginning to know that that is OK and I don't have to feel bad that I am not happy with family. I choose my friends my disfunctional family was not a choice but can be one now or not.
I will have to decide what I want out of the season this year and make it happen.

What a challenge!

Eagle,

I have a picture of you with Baby Jesus nestled in your coif! Too, funny!

Me too, Jane! I'm happy as long He's nestled in somewhere!

Ruby, KLM, TVC and anyone else struggling through the Christmas season,
I find for myself that maintaining the energy and/or ability to hold on to that Christmas spirit is the hardest part. Something - a word, a message, a song, an experience, a white purse from eBay - comes along and strengthens my resolve to joyfully create my Christmas - and it's wonderful - and the cumulative effect is that an ongoing experience of those little things will be what (IMHO) gets us all through to the other side of Christmas.

But my reality is that the energy reserves are low, and when I hit that "empty", all "esprit" disappears with it. I realized that this morning. I just finished shopping and decorating my brother's apartment, and am thoroughly drained, so much so that I couldn't care if I ever saw another bulb or ball. But I know that those feelings are temporary and completely related/caused by my low energy (and I'm willing to bet from numerous past experiences over the last year that my WBC is also elevated this morning; we've been able to make a direct correlation between that sudden and drastic drop in energy and an elevated WBC - but no explanation for it yet).

Anyway, I wonder if that's something we have to keep in mind. Our grief, our sadness, whatever it is that we carry with us into these holidays, WILL affect our energy level, and our energy level (or lack thereof) WILL affect our spirit and ability to respond to the Christmas bustle and hustle.

Maybe one of the secrets for us is to really simplify that hustle and bustle for ourselves. Do everything we can to minimize the energy drain and just do the simplest and easiest that will surround us with the colour and twinkle of the season but not drain us in the process.

Me? I'm going to get hubby to help me decorate the living room next week. Normally I do it myself, because I like everything where I like it. But this year, I'm going to put less out and let him help more. And maybe I'll wait another week or two before putting up the tree. One thing, one day at a time.

Christmas holidays can be tough for me b/c I'm not always included with family events, even though my local family live all w/in 1 hour of each other.

My mother chooses the company of other women over her own daughters (I've discussed this in another topic). My father does not acknowledge our birthdays nor did he call us at Thanksgiving (he lives in OK w/ my paternal family). He comes first, b/4 anyone, regardless. My mother says I'm selfish when it comes to spending monen on others, wonder where I get that trait! Hmmm! I watch the $$$ and only spend about $25 each on my siblings and thier children each, I also buy the children savings bonds and shall hold them until I think they are ready to use the $$$ appropriately. NONE of my siblings have given me a simple Christmas card nor present in I don't know how many years. They do not acknowledge my birthday nor during holidays unless I've been invited. Why? I'm the one who spoke up about the abuse. Also, my mother says I'm the oldest, not to worry about me, whatever that means. Oh, and I'm selfish.

NO, I do not want sympathy, that's simply how it is. I cannot change these people.

I, too, allow my anger to cover for life's hurts, which keeps me in the past -- the Ghost of Christmas Past visits. I'm not contact my family regarding Christmas plans, if they contact me fine, otherwise I'll be hurt if I count on their promises only to be left behind. I can use the time to relax, catch up on reading and watch the movies I've missed. I can also get up early on the 26th and shop the sales!

Grrr. Hubby just came over to join my brother and I for supper. He just told me that he mentioned to his daughter about our long-term plans to change Christmas, starting with going away somewhere next year. Right away she invited herself along and hubby agreed. That's definitely not what I had in mind. When I say I need a complete break, I mean a COMPLETE break.

But I'm forcing myself to take a deep breath and shelve this (it's a whole year away!) and just deal with THIS Christmas.

What? Eagle, that's unbelievable! How could she invite herself along? Did hubby not get what you had in mind? Mustang, I wish I had some words of consolation for you. This doesn't help you at all, but it's not uncommon for the one who broke the silence to be the one who bears the brunt of the further "abuse" by the uncaring family. Mustang, do you feel like you have to send presents to siblings who don't acknowledge you? This time of year can bring about a lot of pressure, to say the least.

Mustang Gal, like Lynnie, I wonder why you continue to buy presents for those that don't even give you the time of day. Give yourself a present, instead of unthankful people. What about a wellness weekend? Maybe if you stop being so good to them, they'll notice you more, and make an effort to change their ways. But really…do you need those kind of people in your life? It doesn't matter if they are relatives or not. There are people in this world who would appreciate you. I say, seek others, and allow yourself to be loved.
Maybe you can get a second vacation out of this Eagle Heart; one with and one without the daughter. ( It's Hubby's fault )

Post deleted by lionspaaw

Lion,
I hear you. And my Spirit rejoices and resonates with joy for that truth. If I could just figure out how to bring that rejoicing and spiritual resonating into the planning and festivities when I'm surrounded by unrealistic (and sometimes aggressively so) expectations (based on past tradition, which you know are hard for some people to let go of) and lack of spiritual tolerance or even respect. I can't ban these people from the celebration (that would make it easier, wouldn't it!) because they're hubby's family. And each year I do "take back" more of that spiritual focus and make it a vital part of our celebration. So we're slowly getting there. I need more backbone against these people, but in ways that build bridges and mend fences rather than create tension and "backdraft", if you know what I mean.

I do believe in living the Christmas spirit all year round and ironically find it easier to do so any other time than these weeks before Dec 25th! We're in the process of melting down all of that commercial expectation and angst and working toward making Christmas the simple, joyful spiritual celebration we want it to be - but it's slow going when you're dealing with step-in-laws and are already exhausted before you even begin.

Eagle Heart - I decided to delete my post - It sounded to "preachie" or "brow beating" and it wasn't meant to be that at all

I just tend to come on strong sometimes - sorry

I hear you about inlaws but sometimes you just have to set some boundaries - if the inlaws don't like it - oh well - as long as you and hubby are on the same page about your traditions - that's all that really matters

This year is all about your brother - next year will take care of itself

Lynnie and Hannelore, I agree, yet its simply the family dynamics. Like Lion, I believe the season is about Christ.

Eagleheart, I say go for having two vacations! Did you say Paris?

Lynnie, thank your for sharing about your grandmother, very heartwarming!

Lion, I didn't hear your post as being preachy. You spoke truth and not at all in a "brow-beating" manner, at least to my ears. You've lived through a lot of agony, and I can't imagine how difficult Christmas will be for you this year, and yet I hear your joy and your hope in the truth that this IS all about the birth of our Lord. And that in itself is Christmas. Everything else is what we create it to be, either through our choices or our inability to make those choices.

There's a quantum leap between the "knowing" and the "doing". It ought to be simple. I do care too much about things that aren't my responsibility to care so much about. My focus is clear now. This Christmas is really all about my brother. Everybody and everything else will look after itself. My responsibility is to my brother. And hubby is 100% on board with that. Anyone who's not happy with that will just have to be unhappy. I can't be responsible for their happiness anymore.

Everyone here (including you Lion) have helped me get to this point. And it's making it much easier to be able to relax against that focus and let everything/everyone else go. Even our 5-year-old granddaughter seems to be okay - especially since we're now negotiating a special "2nd Christmas" for her at our house on New Year's Day in lieu of the 25th.

I have felt badly about whining about hubby asking his daughter along if we go away next Christmas. I wouldn't really mind, I love her and we are her family, and she would have nowhere else to go for Christmas. So I don't think I COULD go without her anyway...I was tired when I whined, but after thinking about it, I don't think it would be a very merry Christmas without her.

And yes, he did say "Paris in April". I'll believe it when I'm actually standing in front of the Eiffel tower. But it sure sounds nice...

Eagle, your heart must be as big as Texas.

Looking forward to some time alone with your lover/husband is only natural and you deserve a lot of special times with all you do for your brother and others. I'm sure your husband just wasn't thinking when he committed to his daughter before checking with you. Maybe she will find someone more her age to spend time with before next Christmas. Either way, Christmas is a time of love and because you are such an example of God's love, I'm sure He will grant you a lot of wonderful holidays.
smile

Oh Smile, thank you. I'm so glad to "hear" your voice...I've missed you...

I've been thinking about everyone a lot in the past couple of days. How's everyone doing with less than 3 weeks to go? KLM, how are you feeling these days? I know as Christmas gets closer, the "missing" gets deeper, especially as I take out Mom's old decorations and remember the Christmases gone by. Oh how I miss her. How about you?

TVC, how are you doing...did you end up going with your "light and love" theme? I set up a few decorations last night, and I think that's all I'm going to put out this year. A few Santa's for hubby and the grandchildren to enjoy (I've accumulated quite a collection of different Santa figurines and candles).

It's tough going. I'm doing much better because of this thread.

Continuing to keep you all in my heartprayers...

Eagle, I love you. You are such a loving and caring woman. I know God is going to bless you this Christmas season. Keep your eyes open to His grace and you won't be disappointed.

We had dinner with FIL and BIL last night and we left feeling guilty that we have one another to spend the holidays with. My prayer is that everyone feels loved, and no one feels alone this Christmas. Anyone else interested in joining in this prayer.

Smile, it's so great to hear your voice again!

My youngest sister lost her husband a few months ago. I have invited her and her children to spend the Christmas holidays with me but she has not yet made up her mind. I would really like her to come. On her behalf and for many others with similar circumstances, I join you in prayer, Dotsie.

Dotsie, I too join you in your prayer. Being alone, and feeling lonely are the worst at this time of the year.

Eagle, I'm hanging in there. Had my spirits lifted with those acceptances. I haven't written anything of value since my Dad got sick but sent out some old stuff which turned out to be a good idea! I am decorating more to keep myself busy than anything else. Love, Light and Remembrance is the theme.

Together, through this forum, we'll get through this season!

Dotsie, that's a prayer very close to my heart. This is one of the toughest times of the year to be alone, especially if it's a "new" alone.

TVC, I'm holding you so close to my heart these days. It means a lot to me that we travel this Advent journey together...

That means a lot to me Eagle and I feel the same.

Anne327, you sound like you are on your way to a good time. Good for you. You are absolutely right about being with friends instead of family sometimes. Lord knows I have issues in that department as well!

Anne, You go girl! How's that saying go? ... You need friends, to make up for your family.

Who cares about the Martha Stewart form of perfection. The perfect meal, perfect gift, perfect decorations, and perfectly clean house went up in smoke when the kids were born.

The perfect of everyone showing up and getting along went when the kids became teenagers.

Now we're just coasting on imperfection--And loving it.

smile

I'm a recovering perfectionist. Perfectionism is (for me) definitely an illness (maybe a distant relative to OCD?) Anyway, this time of year does bring out all those old compulsions to do everything just right and make everyone's Christmas the perfect day. But that's the strange healing thing about fatigue - one wouldn't think that chronic fatigue could be healing, but in this case, it is. Because it forces me to accept my limitations and work within them and not care so much about things that aren't my responsibility (like making everyone's Christmas the perfect holiday - that's not my job).

This year it's been even easier to be imperfect. With half my time spent at my brother's, I simply don't have time to do anything perfectly - barely have time to do anything at all! So whatever's getting done, is getting done as quickly and painlessly as possible.

I like that image, Smile, of coasting on imperfection. I have to say that the more I let go of these perfectionist tendencies, the more serene I feel about life. "Coasting" is a good word for it. Maybe I'll try "serenely coasting" on my imperfections for the next few weeks and see how that gets me through!

Anne,
You have come close to home on this Friends in my case are better then relatives . I have two that are mother's that are more toxic then toxic waste dump . My mother died last March and I do miss her , but I have lots and lots of friends and making more friends all the time. I have relatives had have caused me so much pain and verbal abused my mother that I wish them them nothing but the worse in the new year.

This to shall pass when they die on day and I am waiting on that one . I don't feel like Christmas this year can cannot get into the mood at all . Husband was in the hospital last year with a hernaited disk and then had surgery and now we are going down that road again he has a hernia , which is his fault for not doing as he was told to do to prevent it.

So, here I am spiting nails and can't get myself out of this rut to cook any cookies or cakes this year and this is the first time . Wow! are we sounding off , this feels so good for once and glad that I am not alone.

I have sounded off way to much . Oh, well

Renee

Renee, it's okay to sound off. You could use some support. Believe it or not someday you will get to the point where you do not wish "nothing but the worse in the new year" for those who were butt-heads to you. Someday you will have peace and serentity to just feel neutral towards them. But this year, you are angry, and sad, and mad that your mother died, and all the rotten relatives that made her passing even harder on you. It sounds to me that whatever you do this season, you might do something especially for you that no one else can take away. What do you like? A massage? A manicure? A visit to a chapel? or some sanctuary? Whatever it is, just for you.

Great advice Lynnie.
And I like that coasting on imperfection idea too Smile!
All of you ladies are wonderful and so smart!

A rather interesting comment from my husband this morning...we spent most of the morning putting up the tree. It's an onerous job any year, but this year it seemed particularly frustrating...untangling the branches, trying to fit them in so that the tree fits into its very tiny corner (we can't put any branches in the back at all, and have to secure those branches to show in the front so that the tree looks half decent). Untangling the lights. Spent at least an hour trying to figure out why none of the strings of lights were working. Etc, etc, etc. We finally gave up and took a shopping break, then finished when we came back. So it looks okay, but a bit lopsided, definitely a prime example of "coasting on imperfection" if I ever saw one!

Anyway, as we were sitting there contemplating the lopsided but beautiful results, hubby said, "next year, I'd like to forget about the tree, put a small table in there (he'll build one to custom fit), buy and set up a beautiful nativity scene on the table and then buy a very small (perhaps ceramic) tree to fit. Then we'll just put all of the gifts under the table."

I was stunned, and delighted by his suggestion. He said he'd rather spend the money on a beautiful nativity set than another fake tree, and would rather the nativity be the focus point than the tree. My husband is not a very spiritual man, though he does come to church with me. So this was quite a surprise suggestion coming from him - and one I fully intend to follow through with!

Oh, Lynnie,
You are so good to me and thanks I needed that support that you have always given me in the past and now again. I have a right to be angey when they have then everything away from me firt the furniture and her china and then trying to take her sole also.

Something do come through today , I got a call from the Alz Association that they want me to do some mailing for them .
We have visited a another church keeping within the same religan and have made new friends.

Oh, Lynnie I have not been able to get though to your email address . Do you have a new one now. ?

Thanks ,
Renee

Eagle Heart, give your husband a kiss and a hug b/c that is a lovely idea!

Eagle, you keep planting those seeds, and see how the Lord grows them! Love it.

Eagle,

How special...I gave my daughter the nativity set that her Dad and I made before she was born...in fact he was working on the stable when I told him I was in labor with her. It was always her favorite so I gave it to her as a wedding gift. It was so special to see it displayed at her house last week.

Dotsie, I love that image of "planting seeds" when it comes to spirituality. You know when you garden, it tends to be a rather quiet, contemplative act of love - digging the earth, dropping the seeds/bulbs in place, carefully covering them with more soil, faithfully watering and tending to them over the next weeks and months until they finally break through the earth. That's how I seem to be drawn to share my spiritual faith with some people - slowly, gently, care-fully, patiently sowing seeds of possibility, planting food for thought just when the soil is most thirsty and receptive, backing off so that the seeds can unfold on their own when the time is right. I've heard the Christian call to evangelize for my entire life and have often felt guilty for not being more out-spoken. But God has shown me time and again that He does do some of His most powerful work through the gentlest sowing of seeds and possibilities in the hardest of hearts.

Jane, Nativity sets do tend to evoke such special memories. I spent years giving my best friend a beautiful hand-made stained-glass nativity set - it was very expensive, so I could only give her one piece each birthday and Christmas. It took me years to complete the set, but oh, what an heirloom that set will someday be for her son, (my Godson) who already has put his "dibs" on it.

Renee, I'm glad to hear you have made new friends. And I'm glad to hear here that it's not about the tree! although I do love a Christmas tree. But yes, Eagle, it can be an onerous task! I broke 2 ornaments that are over 50 years old and made it through numerous moves, floods, earthquakes, etc. and they get to me and on my tree and they break. They were the first ornaments I recall seeing at age 3-5. My mom was pointing to each one on the little tiny tree. "You like this one? It's a house." "And this one looks like a strawberry!" And I finally get them, and 2 break! And they've been through it all! Best I leave them in the box next year.

Lynnie,
I found some of the old ornments that you are talking about that mom had that brokeen. I found some in a booklet called the Vermont Country Store and bought them . I have the house and the stawbery and the grapes , but moms were . purple and these are green , but what the heck ! We did put the tree and looks so pretty with the twinkling lights this year that husband bought .

Nice memories as always ,

Wow, I just ran across this thread today, and I can't tell you all how much it has helped me just reading all of the posts.

I too dread the holidays. I call the time between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day "the dark period." I'm fine any other time, but that period is sometimes a real challenge. For some reason, this year has been particularly difficult.

My folks are both gone, and I am divorced. Losing the connection with all of the in-laws just added to it all. It doesn't help that all the people I work with are all happily married with families, so I hear about all of their "stuff" constantly during the day.

Thanks for listening. And my best wishes and prayers are with you all.

Whirlwind

Whirlwind, I only had to spend one Christmas alone, back in 1983, and it was brutal...I started crying around 9pm on Christmas Eve and didn't stop until Boxing Day...I'll never forget that brutal ache. And being surrounded by co-workers who all had families and happy plans only made it worse.

Thankfully, I'm at the other end of that extreme now - three full Christmas celebrations (each complete with gift exchange and full supper) - and there are brief moments when my scattered brain yearns for a quieter Christmas, until I remember 1983.

Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you throughout the coming weeks and especially on the 25th. Will you be going anywhere or any plans over the Christmas week? I hope that this "dark period" has enough warm light poking through to carry you safely through.

Whirlwind, I don't want to seem pushy but when alone and lonely find the nearest mission and volunteer to help feed the homeless. Honest, when you see those poor homeless peoples faces and how they appreciate so much just having a warm meal and someone smile at them instead of shooing them away. Oh, and the children! When thinking of the homeless I never thought of children, whole families, but their there and need our love and understanding, and the smiles on those little faces will take the lonesome winds right out of your sails. Plus knowing you helped Gods less fortunate people will make your heart sing. You can turn things around if you want to...

Whirlwind, Do you know the song from
Roger Whittaker "Streets of London" ?
Here is a link to the lyrics. I just love this song.

Streets of London

I agree with Chatty. I think if you give your time to these poor people, you receive a lot more in return.
Hannelore

Thanks for the kind words ladies.

I'm not totally alone, I do have some family and we do get together. And my boyfriend (I use that word loosely these days) always includes me with his family (they think I'm great). I guess I just yearn for the "days of old" when my folks were here and I had my OWN immediate family to celebrate with. This sounds crazy, but I feel like I'm on the outside looking in and I hate that feeling.

And Chatty, volunteering is a great idea, but hard to do in Atlanta. I called the Hosea Feed the Hungry organization several months ago to volunteer for Christmas and was told they didn't need any more people. I've run into that the several times I've tried to get involved in other organizations (including Habitat for Humanity). The answer is always "We have enough people, but we'd love to have your money." But that's a great idea, I plan to keep looking.

I think one of my New Year's resolutions is going to be to find a church home. For me, that will probably fill much of the void because it will open doors to get involved and do things for people in my local community (things that I wouldn't otherwise know about).

And Hannelore, I LOVE that song!

Whirlwind

One thing that I love to do at Christmas is adopt a family. (when I can afford it) There are many local charities that will give you details on a particular family - number of kids and their ages, needs, wants, etc. Then I go shopping just for them, wrap it all up, and the charity delivers it.

I can't help but think of those people on Christmas morning, opening the goodies I got for them, and eating a meal they made with the grocery store gift card I included. Sometimes I think it's more fun to shop for them than my own family, because they need so much and will really appreciate everything.

Kathy

I have thought about this since it was first posted.
I so enjoy the cards arriving...the church advent services and the first time I hear a salvation army band or carol singers in the High streer.When I see trees decorated in the towns I feel happy.
BUT
In my room I feel really crowded in by decorations.Also the plants I am given by interflora from distant friends are beautiful.BUT all put together means I feel overload..I downsized to a little fibre optic tree for my window sill and this helped.
As soon as possible I clear the Christmas stuff away.In no way would I stop putting things up but I am uncomfortable in what I see as clutter
This week I am goung to an outdoor nativity play in a stable with real animals..And I am looking forward to this.
Does anyone understand this feeling I have.
Mountain Ash

YES YES YES. I do. It's why I've had to simplify my decorating down to just a few favourite decorations - and every piece HAS to speak "light and love" to me or I feel that feeling of overload, suffocation, anxiety. It took me YEARS to recognize those feelings and to be able to do something about them. My Mom was the epitome of Christmas and our house was decorated from stem to stern, with nary a wall or corner left untouched. I thought that was the way it had to be. Once I realized how much the "clutter" (yes it's beautiful clutter, but still clutter) was disturbing my spirit, I made a conscious effort to simplify.

This year, we have the nativity scene set up on the TV stand (it's a massive piece of furniture) and then candles and a few beloved figurines surrounding the nativity, so that it looks like everything's focused on the nativity. That's my focus too. The only other decorations in the living room are the Christmas cards hanging on the door. It's not directly in my line of vision so it's not overwhelming.

Yes, I do understand. Oh so well. Like I said, I stifled it for most of my life, not understanding it or the "why" of it. Like you, I can't do Christmas without putting up SOME decorations, but I know now that for me simpler is better. And like you, the moment Christmas is over (which for us is December 30th when the last houseguests leave) it takes every ounce of willpower not to take everything down right away. I do leave the nativity set up with a few candles for much of January, but everything else is down NLT Jan 6, if not New Year's Day.

Decluttering and simplifying are part of the coping skills I've learned to develop to get myself through the oft-times overwhelming pace of Christmas week.

Christmas used to be a favorite holiday of mine. With three kids, I used to enjoy all the trappings of Christmas. From the tree, to the gifts, to the cooking, to the different traditions, I loved it all. But three years ago my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer just before Thanksgiving and I flew to Texas (from MD) to spend what would be her last Christmas with her. I left 4 days after Christmas only to have to return a month later in a snowstorm when she died. Now this year, just before Thanksgiving, my dearest Donnie, who had been battling one setback after another from stomach cancer, had to be removed from life support and died. A part of me died with him. That part that reasons things out just shut down. My head understands that he would never recover fully, but my heart just doesn't get it. My head knows that I need to make things better here for our 8 year old daughter and show her that life goes on but my heart just doesn't care. Christmas this year is a chore, just something else that has to be done like the laundry. I plod through each day trying to pretend that I am excited by something that I just dont feel.

So a Christmas Support Group would be nice....I have to get through this for her sake. She needs to know that life does go on.

Melissa, I'm so sorry for your "agony of absence". This is such a difficult time of year when the absence is fresh and the agony is still so raw. I hope that you'll stay here with us and let us help you through the next couple of weeks. The joy of Christmas will someday come back, but probably not this year...be kind and compassionate with yourself as you continue to grieve...it's okay not to be in the Christmas spirit this year. I wonder if your daughter isn't feeling somewhat the same. Maybe she needs help to get through it too. Life DOES go on, and you both will too, slowly, painfully, one moment, one day at a time. It's all you can do, just move from one moment to the next and pull yourself through. Let us help. I wish I knew what to say, but I know there aren't too many words to ease that anguish. Just know that we're here for you. Come and let us help you in whatever way we can.

Melissa, I am truly sorry for what you are experiencing. Love and Light, Lynn

Mellisa
I feel compassion for you.Yes I am happy to be supportive on Christmas day (any other too)
Perhaps my aversion to tinsel stems from losing a loved one just before Christmas in 1972.That year I did ALL my gift shopping for my two little children the day before Christmas.I felt inadequet. I did not fully realise until I read your post so may I thank you for sharing.
Mountain Ash

i found you again, thought i had lost this post for good....

todays the offical or tradisional day over heer for doing the tree (even thought they start going up on the 1st dec)

i growen when i see them that early, it's just too much all the songs and fuss for over a mounth.

I gotta get presents bought early couse i know that by this time i have ran out of steam and can't face going dowen the towen it's way to bizy.

It's a long twisty storie and aint that intrestting but i am alway's glade when this time over and new years in...

it's been great reading you ladies. cheers

and thaniks eagle, for hgaving the alternitive though to all the compulsary happy stuff
Celtic_flame

I don't know about the rest of you in this Christmas Support Group (those who have participated and those who are reading from afar), but I'm really feeling the pressure now. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to suffocate from all the anxiety and stress. I literally have to keep telling myself to "STOP", "just breathe" and "focus on the 'why' of all of this". It's helping. The other thing I HAVE to do is focus on just one day at a time. Sounds cliche, but if I don't, if I try to look ahead at the zillion things that have to be done for each day that company is here, I can feel that suffocation rising up in me. So, other than ensuring that enough gifts and groceries are in the house (and even then we're only shopping for the 23rd - 26th, then will do the second round on the 27th), I'm just getting myself to each new morning and figuring out what needs to be done today. As soon as I step outside that parameter, I feel the mangled anxiety closing in on me.

How about you? TVC? KLM? How's the journey going with a week left (for some of us, the 23rd-24th is just the beginning!)

I hope you still feel safe to vent and visit here - remember, this is supposed to be a safe place for those of us who are struggling through this Christmas season and don't want to pull anyone else down into our grief, sadness, funk, stress, whatever...this is the place to be real!

Eagle, I know what you mean. But I also know this will be another miraculous Christmas for you and everyone else who tries to get it right.

So our grandkids will have time with Santa's toys on Christmas Day, we have Christmas ahead of time at our house. Yesterday we had our annual sit down Christmas dinner with tons of food and gifts for an entire extended family of kids, grandkids, parents, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, and a few strangers. It lasts all day into the night and out of towners sleep over. A few folks that no one really knows show up and our kids bring a few unexpected friends so there’s no way to plan. The guest list grows and everything gets more complicated every year. It's a nightmare of astronomical proportion. But once again, we all survived and it was a tremendous blessing.

I gave up on being Martha Stewart long ago, but for some reason I am still compelled to strive for the perfect Christmas. I start decorating at Thanksgiving and go from an excited kid to a total grump. Lights go out, decorations break, and things fall apart then I start buying gifts and turn into a major Scrooge. If we somehow avoid bankruptcy, I start cooking and turn into a fat kitchen witch. Then I feel l guilty for being such a grump which increases the stress even more.

But this year I was so calm I hardly knew myself. I even enjoyed a being grumpy.

I think it resulted from working on a Christmas comedy. I imagined how stressed poor Mary must have been when out of the blue, an angel showed up to tell her she was pregnant with the Son of God. When she told her fiancé, Joseph, he tried to kick her to the curb then like most men in a crisis, he took a nap and an angel told him in a dream to be nice to Mary. After they made up, he decided to take them on a wild hair trip to Bethlehem for the census and he expected poor pregnant Mary to ride a donkey for heaven's sake.

The trip must have been awful. Donkeys stink and Mary was probably having morning sickness. On top of that, while Joseph was trying to make good time, Mary probably had to pee every few miles. And I’m pretty sure there were no decent rest stops.

When they finally got to Bethlehem, Joseph hadn’t made reservations so they wound up in a smelly old stable. They were probably exhausted, irritable and grumpy from the trip and to top it all off, Mary went into labor. While they were dealing with all that, a smelly homeless shepherd showed up and they got news that a bunch of wealthy kings were coming. The stable was probably a wreck, but just when things couldn’t get worse, a bright star lit up the place and the baby was born. When Mary held him in her arms and called him Jesus, the whole universe was miraculously filled with peace, love, and joy.

Seems like a similar miracle happens around here every year. After a month of decorating, shopping, wrapping, cooking, and major stress, the miracle happened again here yesterday as it does every year. And we were blessed by abundant love.

smile

Smile, that was more beautiful than I can find words to adequately express. The joy of that first Christmas miracle rises to the forefront of focus...remembering the Christmas story the way you tell it here - and with a new baby of our own (our new grandson) joining in the celebrations this year - the joy of that miracle will be easier to remember in the middle of the hectic fray! Thank you.

http://www.byforandaboutwomen.com/radio.htm

I listened to Eagle's interview at the above web radio site. A certain point came up that resonated with me. A lot of pop psychology is about "How to Improve Your Life in 10 Easy Steps." The interviewer brought up the fact that Eagle's narrative is more powerful because it does not precribe a linear form to the experience of depression. Bravo!

Smile, tell it like it is! I always imagined that it wasn't so pleasant of a trip. Besides, newly formed historical links say they were doing the census in Nazareth anyway, so why did they travel to Beth...? When I was a kid, my cousin and brother and I used to make a play out of the birth of Jesus, using a stuffed animal for the baby in a doll's cradle, wearing a church veil for Mary, using my aunt's statues to represent 3 wise men...We were fun and oh so serious at the same time.

Melissa,
I know this is a difficult time. May you find a light of joy and hope in the season.

Smile,
What a treasure!

Lynnie,
I agree Eagle's interview was awesome!

And for everyone...somehow...I got the urge to decorate a bit...and I've totally enjoyed it...I decided to take matters into my own hands and invited a few people over tomorrow night...just wanted to be festive...I'm not even sure what the switch was for me this year...but as I look at my 18" tree and my lighted garland and my flamingo wreath...I feel a deep inner peace...'tis the season...

Wow! Thanks Lynnie and Jane for taking the time to listen to that interview!

Although the days are extremely hectic (we left the house at 8:30 this morning and I only just arrived back a few minutes ago - dozens of errands, plus 2 hours at the hospital waiting with my brother for his CAT scan (we're hoping for great results!) Hubby's STILL out working at a contract job! And yes, it's stressful, and if I don't remember to stop, breathe and focus, everything runs amok. But in the midst of all of the roller coastering through the errands and driving my brother back and forth to various appointments, I'm constantly aware of that deep inner peace (if I can still the nattering in my mind long enough to hear it!) deep inside of me. It's like a joyful hum deep down underneath the hustle and bustle.

I know, without a doubt, that being here at BWS, and specifically, being able to lean against the loving support, wisdom and sharing of experiences here in this particular thread, have made a huge difference thus far.

Next week will be non-stop - starting with hubby's birthday on Saturday and continuing straight through til Jan 2. It will not be easy, but I have a lot more hope of getting through it reasonably sanely knowing that we have "here" to come home to when the going gets too tough. I guess that's one of the hidden blessings to hosting all the festivities - it means constant access to BWS is only a step away...

Eagle, isn't it ironic that for some people like us who enjoy solitude find healing when sharing with our boomer sisters?

I think I shared this last year here, but just felt like posting it again, as much for myself as anyone...

FINDING CHRISTMAS

stumbling through the wrappings
of a long-lost holy day
gifts of obligation
rushing wearily on their way
to festive twinkling Christmas trees
and eggnog on the fly
frowns and worried wallets
creasing every parent's eyes
but deep beneath the presents
and the cynic's hustling cries
lies a hushed and holy moment
when Love broke through as Child
the story's old and heard before
some say it isn't true
and grasp the crass commercial crap
as reason for the blues
but deep beneath the humming
of the bustling ATMs
lies that glorious possibility
that More exists within
the wrappings and the tokens
and the twinkling Christmas trees
It reaches deep inside my soul
to dare my heart to see
that buried in the silent night
beneath the hustling fray
I'll find my Christmas wrapped inside
this long-lost holy Babe

I've been catching up with this post. Three cheers for those of you who have been faithful to it.

Melissa, I wish I had words to share the joy I am sending your way this Christmas. I have faith that God will once again give you the strength you need to make this Christmas a blessing for your eight-year-old daughter and you. Is there a way I can help? Please let me know. I'm in Maryland too.

Eagle, please come running to us with your brother's results when you have a second.

Smile, your post was lovely. I enjoyed your comparison of what Mary and Joseph went through that first Christmas to what we go through every Christmas. It especially touched me because my daughter and I went to see The Nativity Story on Sunday. The guys arrived home from college just in time to watch the Raven's game with Ross, so we hit the movies. I was touched that my daughter suggested seeing that particular movie. When I thanked her while sitting at the theater, she said, "I thought it would be a nice gesture." In other words, it wasn't her first choice, but she knew it was mine. My gracious. They are really growing up.

Anyway, the movie was nothing splashy, but it was an excellent history lesson about what was going on in the world at that time. I was most impressed with the hearts of Mary and Joseph, and their tremendous faith in God. Remember, they were young and influenced just as our children are today. Yet still they chose to listen and follow. Seems that's all we are still called to do today. It's worth seeing.

Here's a pryaer I wanted to share with all of you. While reciting this on Sunday at our worship service, I thought of my sisters in Christ at BWS. The prayer was written by Rev. Lindley DeGarmo.

Gracious God,
we are told that this is supposed to be a joyful time,
but so often we feel joyless.
Absorbed in the needs of the day,
we lose sight of you.
Beaten down by cares and burdens,
we pray partly and worship half-heartedly
and serve grudgingly.
Sin prevails and joy eludes and we drift farther away.

Gather us in Lord. Forgive us. Restore us.
Bring forth a new spirit within us,
that we might discover the joy
for which you created us,
the deep joy made known to us in Jesus Christ.

May God wrap his loving arms around all of us this season and help us spread the joy that comes from knowing him...even when we may not feel it ourselves. Smile!

Thanks for posting that link Lynnie.
Your interveiw is fabulous Eagle,(listening now) and JJ I finally get to hear yours too!
Jane has one there also.
I love that I get to hear my online friends voices!!!!!!!

The poems and prayers are great too!

I feel so blessed to be able to say that this has been one of my best Christmas holidays ever. I have been stress free and all has gone well. Less is more this year, I put up less than half of the decorations and filled in the space with the beautiful cards from my sisters here on line. My home is radiant with all the cards and love enclosed within their words. My home smells like Christmas cookies. I have more time this year and even more money so I'm able to give to those who have nothing. Your posts, your prayers and poems are uplifting and make my heart sing....
Merry Christmas to you all, I so look forward to the New Year and spending it together one day at a time.

Nice, chatty, that's so nice to hear! I am thrilled for you. What a great post to read. Thank you. Dotsie, Eagle, I loved your poems. Thanks for sharing them here.

I'm with Lynn...loved the poems and delighted to see that Chatty is having a delightful season.

I had a small gathering last night...followed my advice and kept it very simple...roast chicken from the grocery and salad...I was too rushed to do more...we really had a good time...it is a good year...

Roast Chicken and salad sounds like a feast to me Jane!
Glad you had a good time.

To another Christmas anoyance.

I love shopping for gifts, but I hate wrapping them. But recently as I was wrapping a ton of gifts a thought entered my mind. I realized that the greatest gift of all time came wrapped in burial cloth.

Suddenly the packages looked a lot nicer and I was energized to finish the work.

When I remember to keep Christ in Christmas, I can forgive my own imperfections and things are so much easier.

smile

I don't want to start a new topic so I hope it's appropriate to post this here.

A good friend of ours was killed in a car accident yesterday.He pulled out in front of another vehicle and got t boned. Both legs were broken and there was severe liver damage. The Drs. worked through the night to no avail.

He and my other half were the best pool playing buddies and friends.


I have included a little bit of background for you.

Guy Higginbotham, a career sax player for over thirty years, is unsurpassed in his field and has performed with such artist as Johnny Lee, the Forester Sisters, Little Richard, Percy Sledge, Bill Haley and The Comets, the Memphis Horns, the Muscle Shoals Horns, and the list goes on. Guy has traveled the world playing his horn, appeared on television specials, including HBO, Jay Leno, CMT, Arsenio Hall, and most all music awards shows. He has done studio work from Muscle Shoals to Nashville, to Memphis to L.A. to New York to Atlanta, and thousands of clubs in between.

Guy, you will be sadly missed.

chick

Chick, I'm so sorry. Of course this was the right place to post this. What a terrible tragedy; your hearts must be so heavy with sadness right now. My prayers, heart, spirit and thoughts are with you at this time.

I'm so sorry for your sad news Chick.
Please know my heart is with you on this sad holiday.

Chick,

So sorry for your loss. I just had the warmest thought that the choirs of Angels just got jazzed up a bit...I can almost hear them...

Love and kind thoughts to all who have a heavy heart on this Christmas Day.Whatever the reason or cause forbsuch depleted energy.
I am at peace with my reasons and understand better due to this thread.....starting from this year I will renew my attitude.
Peace and Goodwill
Mountain ash

I woke up early this morning thinking of everyone here, hoping and praying that God's peace and consolation will silently sneak into the sadness that some are experiencing this day (myself included) and bring that inexplicable joy that tells us that we are not alone and that God is with us in a very special way today.

Peace and comfort to all my sisters who are in pain, alone, sadness or struggling in any way today...we've made it thus far, we will continue to move forward and upward into lighter patches of life...this too shall pass.

Love to all, and know that I'm carrying my sisters in my heart throughout the day, even if I can't get on the computer to say so. Know that you are never alone...be still and know that God is with you, my heart is with you, and so many others here are with you in spirit and prayer.

I too offer my condolences to you and your husband Chickadee. So sad to have something like this happen anytime but somehow its so much worse on this special holiday. He is with God now.

Okay, it's 10pm, Christmas night. Here, all is calm, though we have another full family Christmas tomorrow and a third one on Wednesday (and a big birthday on Thursday), so Christmas has only begun in our house! But today went well. My brother was noticeably weak, and that was painful to see, but he loved the day and enjoyed being here. At one point, hubby and I were busy in the kitchen cleaning up after supper, and it struck me that I needed to just stop and go sit with my brother. So I left hubby with the rest of the clean-up and went to cuddle close to my brother...and was so grateful for whatever Voice it was that helped me to see that he needed me more than the dishes did at that point.

It was a good day, a joyful day, a tranquil day, but definitely tinged with sadness and "knowing" that we just simply cannot know where or "who" we're going to be this time next year. But then, none of us do, do we? We just have to take each moment and live it to the fullest possible extent, and be glad for the gift that is in that moment. Let tomorrow unfold as it will, I just need to embrace THIS day and not worry about the rest.

So I'm rambling. It was not easy to keep that fear at bay all day...your prayers and caring thoughts surely helped the serenity to win out over the fear. Thank you.

So how did everyone else do today? I've been thinking about you all ALL DAY, throughout the entire day...part of me has been here in spirit every moment today, hoping and praying that it would be "not such a bad day after all" for so many of you for whom today was/is not a day you were looking forward to.

And I hope everyone has a gentle night.

God Bless each and every one of you...for everything.
Yes, a gentle night to all.
Luv
chick

I'm pleased to say we had a pleasant Christmas in my house. It was just us, quiet, but nice. I made it through most of the day without tears and it's funny but part of the reason was because I kept thinking, we don't know what tomorrow will bring, or who will be with us next year, so we might as well make the most of what we have today. Then this morning I come here and see that Sharon said something almost the same. I guess us boomers really do think alike!
I hope all had as pleasant a day as I did.
Now we just gotta get through next weekend and we can all start a fresh new year!
Sharon, I'm glad you decided to cuddle instead of clean!

chick, I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Deaths around the holidays seem to make matters worse. Sorry you and your hubby have to experience this loss. But I love Jane's comment. What an awesome thought.

Mountain, glad to hear you are looking forward to 2007 with hope!

TVC, was tha anticipation of this first Christmas without your dad worse the the actual day itself? I found that with all the firsts the year after mom died. I wondered how every holiday was going to be without her and the thoughts and concerns prior to the day were more disheartening than the day itself. Somehow God worked it all out.

Eagle, thanks for beginning this thread. It has been a tremendous support to all. Look at the number of views it has had, 620! So please know that even though everyone didn't post, they were surely lurking and taking the wisdom along with them on their way out of the neighborhood.

I believe that corresponding and sharing our true feelings gets us in touch with who we are at our core. Therefore, we are able to have so many seeds plamnted with in our hearts and minds as we travel throughout our days. I am also a firm believer in the power of prayer...and all the little, "Lord, please be with my boomer friends who are hurting, and Lord. please replace sorrow with JOY" are heard by God and carried out within His plan. Very cool to see and witness it in action. Thanks.

Dotsie, You are absolutely right, the days leading up were far worse than the actual day itself.
And I agree that our prayers for one another help.