Back in June I formed a group called the Whatever! Club. It started out as a small group of women (4) who met and discussed the issues plaguing us and our relationships with loved ones.

Since then, the club has grown to 22 members and the one topic we discuss frequently is communicating our sexual desires/feelings to our mates.

Surprisingly (to me anyway) was the fact that many women have difficulty telling their mates what they want and how they feel about intimacy.

Can YOU express your sexual feelings and desires to your husband/mate and is he receptive? Can he understand when you're not in the mood? Does he know that intimacy goes beyod the bedroom?


Peace & Blessings,
Beverly Mahone
Author, Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age
http://www.talk2bev.com

“I’m not a writer because I wrote a book. I wrote a book because I was inspired by God.”

This seems like a "taboo" subject but I don't have a problem expressing my thoughts on the subject. My husband and I have an open relationship when it comes to intimacy. By that I mean, we discuss what things we like and what we don't. We both believe sex goes well beyond the bedroom and we enjoy making each other happy. What better time to get "wild and crazy and swing from the chandeliers" than when you're married.

I think the reason some husbands cheat is because their wives don't feel comfortable for Whatever! reason in expressing their intimate desires. Unless they just don't have any at all.

Peace & Blessings,
Beverly Mahone
Author, Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age
http://www.talk2bev.com

“I’m not a writer because I wrote a book. I wrote a book because I was inspired by God.”

Beverly, I don't think it's a "taboo" subject. I'm still thinking about it and will probably respond later this evening. This actually might have been a good topic for a Poll...

I can't answer your question yet, but I must comment on the cheating comment. Men cheat because they cheat. To blame a wife for not feeling comfortable enough with him to express their (her) intimate desires is not fair. And, as you say, if they don't have any at all ("they" being wives, "any" being intimate desires) then I wonder what's with the husband that inhibits her. I'd rather have no sex life and discuss that openly and safely with my husband than to meet his needs (if any) to prevent him from cheating. If a man or a woman's needs are not being met, the most intimate thing they can do is discuss it. But to say that a man cheats because she is not comfortable discussing just does not sit right with me. What's with him that he can't make her feel comfortable and safe discussing the subject?

Lynnie,

I agree with what you're saying. You're right. Men need to take responsibility for what's not working in the bedroom also. They are the ones who are quick to avoid the issue and seek comfort in the arms of someone else.

I believe we, as women, do make more of an effort to try to work out the issues--but you have to admit there are still SOME WOMEN who have a "frigid" attitude and that can make it difficult for both sides to talk.

Peace & Blessings,
Beverly Mahone
Author, Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age
"Hope for the Holidays" http://www.talk2bev.com/holiday.htm

Hi Bev, I guess we can't generalize one way or another. I'm pretty open minded, but I can't imagine cheating. I don't like lies, and cheating is a lie. I do think women are more likely to initiate discussions about "us" in a relationship, but again, that's a generalization.

Some women are "frigid" because they are married to men who treat them like crap, neglect them, and then expect them to actually make love to them. I was one of these women and I tried to have conversations with my x about my needs but he couldn't have cared any less about any needs I had.

I have no problem sharing any thought that crosses my mind with my husband. He is my absolute best friend. I tell him exactly what I like, want, enjoy, etc., and he does the same. Why not? I don't get why married people wouldn't? Our goal is to please one another in every aspect of life.

A healthy, wise way to look at marriage Dotsie, that works and you and Dr.R. are living proof of that. When writing one of the two advice columns I wrote for newspapers, I got two different takes on this subject from wives. One wife stated that she was wild and passionate and experimented in bed, and her husband said AFTER she caught him cheating that she was too "out there" and he felt inadequate in pleasing her ideas of love making. So he found someone young that he could teach (control) his way....
The other wife said just the opposite, that she let her husband do whatever he wanted to do and he cheated but said it was because she wasn't fun in bed. Didn't really seem to take an active part or want anything kinky, and so on, and so on. So here are yet two cases proving that your dammed if you do, and dammed if you don't. In my experience, I have found that if a man wants to cheat he will, no matter what his wife does or does not do. Oh and they will always find a reason to blame the wife for their infidelity ....thats a fact!

I probably shouldn't tell this story but here goes: I got two of David's neckties and tied his hands to the headboard. Being Mr. Romantic he said, "That's my expensive tie!" So, I got a cheaper one and being a tie, it kept coming undone. So I told him to just pretend he was still tied up. He complied! We still laugh about it.

I got a fright..........i read mates the way it's mostly ment over heer ie frends....

now i want to go back and review all my posts to measure the diffrence between what i though i had said to you and what actully you ladies may of thought i ment.

Celtic_flame

Oh Dianne, I can't believe your Hubby said that's his expensive tie! What a hoot!

My Hubby has never cheated on me…( 31 years now) and I don't think it's because I'm a sex bomb, I'm just a normal woman. It's just the way he is. Some men cheat and some don't.

I've never had a problem expressing, verbally or physically, my sexual needs and/or desires to my husband. I've always felt, in a good relationship, a close relationship, intimacy is enhanced. My husband is the one person I trust with the complete knowledge of exactly who I am.

On the cheating thing...sometimes I think a man cheats for what he may feel is an 'all free' good time. After all, a marriage, a committed relationship means 'responsibility'. Possibly, a man may have the erroneous idea he can have free, irresponsible fun, with some woman who he believes won't expect diddly-squat from him, as to any other aspect of her life.

Oh Celtic Flame, don't bother the trouble. We know what you meant by mate. We understand that much Irish, mate!

I believe it can be very difficult for women to tell their mate (sorry Celtic,:)) how to please them sexually. I was raised where sex was a taboo subject. Anything I learned, I learned without my parents input. Years of being taught to keep quiet about a topic is not easy to overcome.

D and I try very hard to keep a happy and satisfying relationship in every aspect. Yet, it still is sometimes a bit difficult for me to be completely open. And this is completely my issue, not his. But I am more and more open all of the time and he makes me happy, sexually, and encourages me to ask for what I want.

After I hit menopause and the hormones began fluctuating wildly, I found myself expressing a lot more to my husband than he ever expected. He LOVED it, though, and our sexual relationship became, um, different. Modesty forbids my elaborating!

I told him that now that my female hormones were fast disappearing, the male ones must be taking over. I said, "I think about sex all the time now! Is this how men feel? How do you ever get anything DONE??!!" He fell down laughing.

Dianne,

It's nice to hear another married woman keeping the flames going in the bedroom---that's where it was right?



Peace & Blessings,
Beverly Mahone
Author, Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age
Purchase your copy of “Hope for the Holidays” at http://www.talk2bev.com/holiday.htm

“I’m not a writer because I wrote a book. I wrote a book because I was inspired by God.”

My husband and I talk about everything, but the specifics of our sexuality is usually unspoken. He definitely understands what pleases me and I know what pleases him, but we communicate without saying a single word. We're both shy about those things so that seems to work extremely well for us. Sometimes it's kind of sacred and other times, we just have a lot of fun.

smile

Thats the worst part about being single, also being celibate. Sometimes I really miss a good old fashioned roll in the hay....so to speak!

I second you here Chatty!

Yes, Beverly...it was in the bedroom. There was one time on top of the washing maching tho...

How about the kitchen counter? or in the shed in the back of the house while the neighbors were having a cookout?


Peace & Blessings,
Beverly Mahone
Author, Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age
http://www.talk2bev.com

“I’m not a writer because I wrote a book. I wrote a book because I was inspired by God.”

Dennis and I are mostly bed people, but we have had a time or two on our open deck in the back yard.

I used to have my grandparents 75 year old bed. After we broke the bed twice, we finally got a new bed. The laughter was not the mood breaker, but having to get up and put the bed boards back up was.

My parents broke their bed within a fourtnight of marrige ....they clamed it wasent from sex just badly put together....the worst of it was they were still in my grandmothers house and my mum (then a shy youngster)couldent get over the embarisment of it .......A sweet story but do you belive that woman....lol.

My patrner (relitivly new at the time) and i had a shower in their parents home.....the door was chaped by their father we had to hurry up, fine ....We both arrived out the shower into the kitchen to be meet by alllll the cousins, nices, sisters, the heep of them. theirs me in a towel shaking hands saying hi and acting like it was all perfectly normal... A very infomal first meeting of some of the family members....they still rember me you know lol.

P.S......i am afraid to write anything else in case i get contradicted you know.....

it could start war lol....

(Right....breath deeply)This is me steadying meself to say something!!!

I used to have the utmost difficulty in expressing my innermost desires....but now....
I can just about get them muffled out past the silken scarf!!!!!!And festive satsuma.

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPe

Speaking of where...Oh the Places We'll Go. I'll never tell.

Broken beds...been there, done that.

I won't tell any stories on us, but I will share that someone I know had rug burns on her knees one morning because she was doing it in her in-laws home and did't want to make noise by doing it in the bed. What a hoot!

Rug burns -?? Oh my gosh, now you made me remember my neighbors Smoky and Jeannie. Smoky always had a scruffy beard, and you could always tell when they'd been fooling around because Jeannie would have a bad rash on her chin or neck.

Dotsie, my lips are sealed too. As my husband says, it's more fun to do it then to talk about it.

This is way funny, you ladies are a hoot lol

It's a seriouse issue to relashionships and that level of verbal intimacy, think it's a skill that comes with time between a couple, well it was for me. I couldn't image life or a relashionship that wasen't open or relaxed enough.....or whaotever it is enough.....to allow this type of communicasion...
.......not that i have sex, mind you, but if i did lol....

it's great that this topic came up in heer, it'smuch better than the cosmopolitan magazine survey lol

celtic_flame

This has been fun and crazy. Gotta let loose every once in a while and what better way than with boomer gals.

Cosmo survey! I had forgotten about those! This certainly has been fun.

I haven't read a Cosmo in years!!!!

Daisy & Chatty, the only hay I see lately is in a barn, and I've not rolled in it! Just feed the horses that I ride, does that count?

Gosh, does having your husband (ex) romp around in your Victorias Secret pink lace stretch panties and bra considered as expressing intimacy!

I fear what he is expressing isn't intimacy but a tendency for cross dressing...men in pink, yuk pooey!!!

hi mustanggal,

did you aske him or did he think it up all by himself??

If you asked him and he did it for you god love him, was it just for a laugh. I have that type of sence of humer. I keep asking well once or twice a relashionship that they dress as a big pink bunny all fluffy and bright. There nuthing sexie about the big bunnies it's just to see if they be sillie enough to do it, I know warped but hay i can live with myself. (maybee)

Alass as yet they all more sensible than i might give them credit for, never a bunnie about when i need the laugh.

If he did it by himself and you cought him then thats a diffrent matter, as chatty say's yuk pooey!!

Oh and when you found him what did you say if it aint too personal.

I would off probley went for the hay your bum look's fat in that, or that couler dosent go with your eyes at all

hope you don't take this as too cheecky

celtic_flame

Actually, at first I was unaware as I would come home and find my bra/panty sets crumpled in the closet -- thought maybe I forgot or something. Then, in the wee hours I awoke and he was prancing around rather proudly in the pink set, I just kind of acted like I was asleep! I believe he would also wear my satin/silk tap pants under his clothes, so I bought him some silk boxers and placed them in the drawer. He had other fetishes, we're divorced.

chatty, men in pink? My husband and oldest son wear pink shirts and they look great. But they don't wear ladie's pink undergarments!

Mustang, oh my! I love your boxer idea. Were they pink?

Mustang, there is a movie with Johnny Depp in it who plays a director who wore his girlfriend's clothes. It's a true story too. Can't remember the name right now. It was strange. I think it was Ed Wood: The worst director in Hollywood.

Some might say we're still on our honeymoon...we'll be married 2 years in March. We're both in our 50's and I can truthfully say that I have more meaningful, satisfying sex now than when I was younger. When I was younger I was under pressure to be skinny, wear the sexiest underclothes and clothes...and the sex wasn't real to me at times...true intimacy, for me, was missing so much of the time. I always felt I was the one who had to perform in order to keep my husband from roaming. Nothing I did prevented that and each husband cheated on me. When I finally did find the man who is on the same wave length as me concerning sex ...wow...what a difference. And, too, he's completely different in every way. Finding the right man helps, which I had to learn the hard way. When I married my soul mate almost two years ago I wasn't the skinny, long-haired, deer-in-the-headlight fool I'd been for so many years. I was smarter, knew what I wanted and expressed what I would and would not do in a relationship. And despite trying to stay within a reasonable weight, found that no matter what I was going to carry a few extra pounds along with wrinkles, gravity and everything else that goes with getting old. Because my husband and I have so much love and respect for each other I'm enjoying sex for the first time in my life...really, really enjoying it. There are no weird demands put on me ...just normal, intimacy that we both feel comfortable with. I won't give away any secrets but yesterday I'd just gotten over being really sick the day before and was feeling kind of tired but pretty much back to my old self. I was dressed in old jeans, an old shirt and walking around in lime-green house socks. I was wearing makeup because we'd gone Christmas shopping earlier in the day but I looked anything but dazzling. My husband had a lie down because he was tired and as I walked toward our bathroom I looked back at him and caught him looking me up and down. (you women know that look...the one that says he's in the mood). I went into the bathroom and came out and leaned against the door frame wearing nothing but a smile. Despite how I know I look (the belly, wrinkles, skin heading south, etc.) his face lit up like a Christmas tree. I said to him, "You look at me as if you've just won the lottery." He got this big grin on his face and said, "Just look at you. I did win the lottery." That's all it took for me to become putty in his hands and always will be as long as he keeps looking at me that way.
Will my husband ever cheat on me? He says not. He knows what will happen if he does and I find out about it. He loses this lottery ticket. I truly believe that he's the kind of man who will not. As far as talking about our intimate needs, we know each other so well that we don't really have a need for that. What we do now at our age is keep sex spontaneous...like me appearing in a doorway naked when he doesn't expect it. Or when he comes home from work I'm on the bar wearing only a smile and holding a glass of ice tea. When I see that smile on his face I know I've just made him forget about work and any problems he might have had on his mind before walking through the door. If I had to talk to him about any intimacies I could, but with us we just don't have that need. We know what turns the other on. I'm lucky in that way.

In my estimation Dee, what you have is TRUE 'no nonsense' LOVE. Thats all any woman really wants or needs.

Anne, lots of men have a foot fetish, there are of course different ones but they all are about feet...

Dee, reading your posts seem like reading a love stroy every time.
I agree, it's the sexiest thing to feel comfortabe with your mate. That's when you can really let your hair down and let yourself go, instead of worrying about the rings around the tummy.

Thank you Hannelore. I am living a love story...honestly. I'm having the best time in my life.
What's weird Hannelore, is when my body was great looking I was always finding fault because I never thought it looked good enough...boobs too small...you know what we women put outselves through. But, when I married Larry I was at the age where all the youth was gone from my bod and he has always told me that he's realistic about a woman my age. Then he follows that with...look at him...he has a pot belly, he has wrinkles, etc. He accepts my age and what comes with it...in that way it allows me to be and feel sexy because he reacts (honestly) as if I had a body of a 20 year old. He doesn't see my flaws, he sees all of me and grins and can't wait to be with me. THAT is sexy and THAT is why I can stand there at this age, in this state of body and not feel self-conscious. I don't know how I got so lucky to find him but I cherish and love him so much. We truly are soul-mates. I know someone might read my posts and think no one can have this kind of marriage. I didn't think this kind of relationship was possible either, but here I am in the most loving, respectful place of my life. I firmly believe God saved Larry for last. I appreciate him and he apprecates me. It shows in how we treat each other. Thanks, Hannalore for noticing that I am in a love story. You really made my heart beam with pride.

Chatty...yes, I have a true love with my Larry.

I think I was happy at one time with my body...but when I think back, those diapers made my legs look too short; (especially when they were wet) Hah!

ok, I'm dieing here! I'm with you Chatty about missing a "good ole roll in the hay" (or ANYWHERE for THAT matter).

In defense for women whose husbands cheat - I was a loving, present, and very sexual wife. His cheating had to do with HIS insecurities and inability to feel good about himself!

Here here Danita, well said!!!

Droopy diapers Hannelore, too funny..and you know it wans't that long ago since you felt beautiful...

Just so you know, Elizabeth Taylor was voted the MOST BEAUTIFUL women on earth for over 20 years, and SHE says she has never liked parts of her body and never felt that anything but maybe her eyes and face were anything special.

Danita, it's great to see your face and hear your voice. I can tell you've lost weight. You look great how you are right now. You're not still losing, are you?

Your comment is so true. May women do everything they possibly can to keep the marriage strong, and some men still wander. Will he ever learn?

Hannelore, you're funny. I know we can only see your face, but you look great to me.

Dee, have you considered writing about finding love at midlife? Boy would that article give hope to other women!

Chatty,that is so sad about Elizabeth Taylor. Just goes to show how much emphasis in placed on beauty.

Well, well, it's Divine Danita. It's so true that if/when a man cheats it is about his insecurities and not her (perceived) inadequacies. Yes, Dee, you could write an article about finding love at midlife! I had no idea what a beautiful body I had when I had it. I thought I was supposed to be Twiggy when I was more like Jayne Mansfield. I'm a lot more insecure about the changes to my body than my husband is about his own OR mine. But it's not really about the body, is it? Some experts say that sex begins in the mind. What do you think about that?

lynne begins in the mind might even end their...nope thats not what i ment to say....

Close your eyes and feel the energy of your partner tune into it....thats closer to what i meen...If you can do this it's tunning into the devine within them and in turn me!!and that's the sexiest thing of all....took me all my life and a few...(I said FEW partners po aheemm!) to descover this lol. Don't you let that po tell you otherwise...

Love's and sex's beyond looks and bodies it's within the spirit or essence of the other and the joinning of that force, it's within the moment and the emotion of the act....

No wonder you so full of hormones when your younger....there needs to be some drving force for procreasion...my owen truth or wisom about making love now would of went way over my head when i was younger...Maybee i aint that bright or maybee it's something about age and experience but i glad i at this end of spectrum and not the young end...seriously would't go back to that body if i couldn'y bring this experience with me

celtic_flame

dee

i also love reading bout your relashionship....makes me feel warm and squisy inside

MUSTANGE hayyy

bit late for this conversasion moved on but it took me a while to think what i wanted to say especilly since i couldn't get past my own sence of humer ie would't bother me if my partner wore that type of underware....

Impresive thing is you understood accepted what he wanted and then try to find a happy medium by buying him same material....

i was wonderring how i would manage if i found out my partner was keeping some part of them secrite and acting out on it in secrite.....

i thnk what you did how you handled it showed great acceptances and sensitivity, despite how you may or may not felt about it...

If i am ever in same type of position (diffrent subject) i hope i would rember you'r example

thanks for the wisom

celtic_flame

There is a lot to be said Ladies for the liberation of letting go of body consciousness. It is a relatively new concept to me and before I was just a head with nothing else!! I read a very insightful book called "The Mirror Within", written by an American author whose last name was Dickson....I was transformed by the experienc and would recommend every woman should read it. If you google it you will find the full name and details.

Popea

I've thought about how the key was changing myself and my expectations and being certain for the first time in my life about who and I and what I wanted/would not tolerate in a relationship. When I raised my self-esteem and my bar on expectations concering a mate, that's when the doors opened and wow...there he was...waiting for me.
I'd LOVE to write a book about it but where in the world would I start? Any suggestions?

Dee
your quote says, Don't be afraid...get excited ....there ye go for a title for starters.
What about getting all our boomer sisters to submit a poem, short story or piece of art, etc...and then you could do an anthology on the topic, asking Dotsie to read the work anonamously to pick a title....eh???

I am sure we all have our own tale to tell.

Popea

Wow...the coffee is kickin'in this mornin'
A Boomer Book...with all profits going to a deserving charity???

Popea

OMG! Popea! That is an exciting idea! And I love your title suggestion!!!! I wish I had more time to delve into this further. I'll be thinking about it, though, and when everyone is asleep, I'll check back in.
Hannelore

Hannelore, everyone is asleep...bar us pet!!! Yeah...I think it is a cracker of an idea....pass it on incase people miss it hon.

Got Your joke by the way.

Popea

popea, The reason I launched this site was to give boomer women a voice. My intention was to create an anthology sharing stories from our generation of women. I have an agent who tried selling the book to many major publishing houses in the US, but no one was interested. I know there are other ways to get published, but since I have an agent, I am listening to her. Now that my platform has grown, we are trying again. For the most part, publishers want to know how you are going to sell your book. It's all abouat the almighty dollar and how much they can make from the sale of your book. Sad, but true.

Dots

I can't beleive that interest was limited ...in your forums for the short while that I have been around...I have read a great many wonderful, insightful, witty, thought prevoking things. Its always about money...what a shame.

Popea

Dots, none of my business but have your agent try some of the smaller houses. They are more open and take more of a special interest in their authors. Plus, write down every single speaking gig you've had and every interview you've done, radio, media, seminars. Show just how you can push a book, along with the writers of the book.

You might remind them (publishers) how many hits this site gets per day and that we all have money to buy a book or three if we want to....how would you market your book, INDEED!!!

Since I wasn't posting on these boards during the time this subject was first discussed, I'd like to revisit the topic of later in life intimacy.

My husband and I have always had a great sex life, until he ruptured a spinal disc. We had to resort to alternate methods of keeping our intimate life alive, before and after he had surgery.

Now, I seem to be suffering from vaginal dryness or worse. Basically, it's painful for me. I feel embarrassed about discussing this with my new gyn.

Has anyone on this board had this problem? I'm 58, but still very much interested in keeping our sex life alive.

Emily in Maryland

You can buy vaginal suppositories for this problem. I think it's just a case of hormones changing.

Oh, Emily, I can so relate. All the OTC lubricants have not worked for me. And D, with his parkinsons, has his own set of problems.

In other words, you are not alone.

We schedule our sex life now. D takes his little blue pill and I use a prescription vaginal cream. It is better, but not as great as either of us would like.

For spontaneous sex, we also use alternative methods and enjoy those times quite a bit.

Anno,

Someone told me that this vaginal shrivelling (I know there is a medical term for this)is best treated with a prescription hormone cream.

Lubricants aren't working in my case, either. It helps, but it's just become too painful for me.

It just crossed my mind: my grandparents were probably still having sex when I stayed with them! No one ever told me that I'd still have a desire for intimacy this late in life.

I'm going to go to a woman gyn. Maybe the prescription cream would help. I just can't discuss this with the male doctor I currently have. Just cannot.

Alternative methods are nice and I enjoy just being close to my husband, but it would be nice to actually have intercourse. Maybe not every time we're intimate, but at least on holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions!

Emily in Maryland

I completely agree with you Emily. I still enjoy the idea of intercourse, but without the pain. I do go to a female doctor, would not have it any other way. Only a female can completely understand our issues.

A while ago, my dad (in his 80's) was talking with my partner, Dennis, complaining that his prostate cancer was interferring with his sex life. This is what I want for us - a sex life well into our 80's and 90's. Sounds like you do, also.

Ann

I don't completely understand all the medical issues surrounding sex in later life, but I'm 57 and have gone through different stages of sexual "interest".

My husband and I have many problems but sex isn't one of them. I find that desire wakes the 21 yr. old up in me. I respond just like I did when I was 18 but better because of the experience I've gained over the years.

So much of sex is in the mind. Frankly, my husband turns me on and wakes up all the primal desires a woman can have. Our sex is wild abandonment and completely satisfying. I know he has the blue pills but says that he no longer needs them with me.

Many times I come home with my bra or thongs in my purse..
Varying the places you enjoy eachother and the outfits or nothing you wear, the language you use, the toys you use, etc can make a big difference.

Sex is in the mind and heart and everything else seems to follow. My doctor is amazed at my interest in sex....then I see him at the local bar and wonder is he smirking or smiling????

ps. My husband and I have sexy videos and photos of each other on our cell phones. During the day if I want to be reminded of that part of our relationship, I can view the video and can't wait to get home to see him again.

We watch movies and cook together and go to functions, etc. but that part of our lives is amazing to both of us. Even if and probably when our marriage ends, I for one, will still hold very fond memories of our times together as man and wife and the sweetness of it.

We don't have any sex toys or videos or even sexy longerier...lingerer....clothes.

He can be in the lazy boy in his red longjohns and I can be here in my white cotton nightgown. When I am in the mood, I just say "Honey it's time to break out the Kentucky Jelly."

I don't see much change between now and eighty except for trying to get undressed before the mood wears off.

(That'd be KY Jelly for those who didn't get it.)

chick

ENJAY
anno and di thanks
i don't have the problem your chatting about but its good to heer it being chatted about, it would be a really tough one to go to any doc about male or female....

but do you know what i think is really the sweetest thing...Emjays comments about, no one telling us i would still have sexule desireee this late in life.
I had always asumed that i'd have desire for connection and intimacy (emotional)but haden't though about the sexule aspect of it and when (or if) it would disaperar....its great to hear that for some folks its up till their 80's and 90's Anno your dad "rocks" for having that chat with D.

well ladies you just lightend my hart a bit....thanks, i have a lot to look forward too for a long time yet..

celtic

CHICK

I don't see much change between now and eighty except for trying to get undressed before the mood wears off.

THATS WAAAAYYY toooo funnie for my time of the morning, thanks love
celtic

Celtic,

Oh, yes on the desire -- and response -- later in life!

Surprised me, too. I'm very much surprised and happy about how our bodies still react Post -Menopause!

Anyone thinking that that interest will change after "the" change is going to be pleasantly surprised!

The probems that do arise are ED or - can't think of the name for it - but it means that the vaginal tissue becomes dry and thin.

Thank goodness for new and better drugs!

I just have to get up my nerve to bring this up with someone younger than me. They'll probably wonder what's wrong with me, more than physical. I'm just worried that a new gyn will snicker behind my back. I don't know why this should bother me at my age - I'm much more at home with myself at 58 than I was in my thirties.

The group I go to has at least three women on staff. I've only been there twice, and was "assigned" a man. Maybe I'll just talk this over with the on staff nurse practitioner. I felt comfortable speaking with her about another issue.

Hope I've made the pre-menopausal and menopausal women happy today!

Emily in Maryland, where the snowfall did not get us off of work today

emjay

well you sound a lot more happie about it all today. Find that one you had a good experience with and have a chatt with them about it.....
Tell me how you get on lol i am just awfull generally talking to Doc's but getting better. Hope its a good experience for you...

its just not fair that you have snow fall and still have to go to work lol..

celtic

It helps to look, really look at that person and try to think of what it was that attracted you to them in the first place. Also, it really, really helps to think of yourself as a sexual diva. When you know that you know, everyone else senses it too.

Can't expect to feel the sparks if the sparks aren't really wanted or needed. Sometimes it helps me to look at fashion magazines and imagine what I would look like in some of the clothes. I used to get the acrylic nails, still get pedicures. If I like the way I look and feel about myself, who else wouldn't?

I've been at the grocery store and at work etc and noticed women wearing sandals and they've got that crusty layer of dead skin, sometimes cracked around their heels and their toes look like they've been digging for worms....ugh!

But they'll be dressed to the 9's. Here in FL you notice things like that more because our feet are exposed more. Who wants to kiss toes and get a mouthful??

Men are men, well into their 90's and beyond. Unless their eyesight fails, they live in a fantasy world where every woman is beautiful and sexy.

I try my darndest to love myself and like what I see so that I can walk into a room and a presence follows me. Both men and women notice when I walk into a room. Mom calls it charisma. Some of it is luck, genetics, but most of it is something inside that radiates through your eyes, the way you carry your body, your smile, the way you move, your expressions and the level of intelligence you eminate.

Just some observations over the past 57 years. Some men radiate the same feral, earthy yet sophisticated aura. They are rare indeed! When you find one, don't let him go!!

My grandson'd father says my three daughters and I are irreplacable. I had him define that for me one day. He says that means he goes through women like laundry and has yet to find one like my daughter who is beautiful, intelligent, and has that something more that transcends and makes her stand out above the rest. He doesn't think he will ever find anyone else like her.

I like one of the girls he's dating. I approve of her as a stepmom to Dublin, but who listens to me anyway....

Emyjay...what's going on for you is pretty awful and unfortunatley a common ailment (I imagine 95% physical..5% psychological). I went through some similar difficulties a while after my hysterectomy and a good bit into meno. Firsly, due to embarresment I said nothing to my partner, doc or freind! I researched on the net and took a whole load of suppliments(only some of which helped). I put so much pressure on myself to sort it that I got quite depressed for some time!
I then got to the stage when I could not cope...as this trouble I was experiencing was effecting my partner also...so I bit the bullit and approached my doc.

I couldn't find words to explain what exactly was the 'problem'...and the it just tumbled out and I said....
"I think my tickle button is broken!!!"....the Doc.(lady) laughed hard...so much so that I couldn't help but join in. Once the pressure had been lifted..we set about examining causes and thingsI could do, and things that she as my Doc would do.

With some humour added into the pot and when I told my partner(who could not beleive it !!)...I got my h.r.t fine-tuned and things settled down again.

I hope you find the solutions which will suit you pet.

Popea

Because my OCD kicked in full throttle with this latest move I started seeing a shrink who told me to see a medical doctor about medication. Okay, the meds have really helped my OCD but it has killed my sex drive. Nothing there. The hub is on a lot of meds and doesn't want it anymore either. Then, I watch this doctor on tv who says if you're married but not having sex you aren't really in a marriage. I feel married. I love him very much and he loves me. We're very compatible (outside of this latest upcoming move!) but I still enjoy being held while we fall asleep.

I guess I had to make a choice between a sex drive and OCD.

hi di just poping on for a we read but i thought i would j8st comment on this OCD a really hard disorder to contend with, i don't know the movie that triggered an incrise for you but thats a good way to start. Finding the triggers (external or internal) that worsen the compulsion for you.

meds affect sexule desiree and expression so easily common meds like anti depresents and blood presure tablets etc.

the TV doc might have been talking about couples who dont have sex leaving one frustrated and feeling unloved. Might not necassarily be talking about your situasion but that a lack of intimacy genrilly leands to bad sighns in marrage.

Some people dont know how to get or be intimate exept for sexule. They don't credit emotional or mental intimacie to promote well being withn and between couples. Sex being the only expresion of love or affection, then thats all they have. if you have diffrent expresions of love and affection and both of you are having emotional needs meet in othrways then whats wrong with that? How many couples do you know that have an absolutly horrendise relashionship, fight arguee are abusive to each other genuinly abusive but they have sex thats good therfore think they have a good relashionship....with no meeting of needs emotions or hart.

i think it takes more than just sex for a relashionship to be good, loving and intimate.
I wouldn't be too down on yourself to the point that some TV doc deems you not to have a marrige due to no sex.
If its distressing you or your partner then thats a diffrent matter...
OCD, you probebly have but have you tried behavioural theripies, 12 steap programs....Sometimes meds are needed for flaire-ups or acute times but at other times programe or theripie may be enough...

anyway good luck working it out for yourself, and hopefully you aint pulled about by public presure or oppinion...

oh TANTRA i love it as a religion and a philosiphy but unfortunitly its genrally only known becouse of its connection to sex, cheek it out, its much more than just about sex and its a spiritule disapline, using the energies between two people to work as a gateway to the devine or spiritule experiences, honerring the devine within one another and incressing mental, emotional, spiritual conectivness between people...

gotta go gotta go lol gotta good chat soon.
celtic

I do not believe that sex is what constitutes a marriage. That doc was full of baloney. I agree with Celtic - if one person is unhappy with the situation, a problem will arise. Otherwise, why should it?

My grandparents slept in twin beds all their married lives and had a great marriage. I really doubt they had much of a sex life, but they did have lots of love.

The hub and I looked at each other after watching this doctor and kind of shrugged our shoulders. "Guess we don't have a marriage." But, we do. He's the first man I ever truly respected in my entire life! I love his amazing business mind, dry wit, and the ability to turn a problem around quickly rather than drag it through emotional weeds.

I've been using some techniques for the OCD. Stress of any kind seems to kick it into full gear so the shrink is helping me to use different exercises to help with the stress. It's such an irritating disorder!

Gee...don't feel like revealing much re personal. But suffice to say for creative sex, it does help to keep/become more physically agile.

It's ok...he and I plan to keep on cycling. I have to do more stretching exercises too... otherwise, my muscles might get locked or get a charleyhorse in the wrong place, at wrong time.

Oh come on, you do have to have comic relief during sex too. If it weren't for humour, every accidental sexual faux pas in bed, would ruin the evening/morning/lunch or whatever.

Diane, you've given me such good advice in the past and I've taken it. You have so much wisdom and flare. I like your spunk!
I agree with Celt in that sex isn't the most important facet of a relationship but it sure is nice. My husband and I have the kind of relationship where I have "my spot" in the crook of his arm. I sleep with my head on his shoulder and when he misses me he says, "Your spot is waiting for you" and I know exactly what he means.

He loves it when I use "ET" to massage his back and shoulders. ET is a massager with big balls on the end that looks just like the alien, ET...we laugh about it and say, "ET phone home"...

We talk like hicks just for fun and cook huge pots of chili for our friends and have them all over.

If we never had sex again, I'd still be enthralled with him and he with me. I couldn't stand to be with someone who was boring and normal. I'd be out looking for something more exciting, I know me.

I've had OCD, thoughts that were so bad I had to do something else out of fear of carrying them out....checking the locks on the door and then getting two miles down the road and coming back to check them again.

I still have some of the tendencies, certain things have to be done in a certain way or it nags at me that I didn't do it right.

The song, Mr. Sandman, used to evoke something strong and fearful in me. I couldn't bear to hear it or even say the name.

To this day, I don't know why. But what I did to overcome my OCD was to locate and memorize every scripture of promise in God's Word to us and speak them one by one as I would lay in bed at night to sleep.

Eventually the positive and encouraging word changed my mind and heart from the inside out. I've been fine since then. Another, and more interesting thing I found out from my mom and grandma is that my family was deeply involved in Spiritism and the occult. They would lift tables and do seances and the like.

When I renounced those practices and surrendered my heart, mind and future to God, it all just went away and I've been pretty fine ever since. That's the honest to God truth!

I've had bouts of depression now and again and right now am on an anti-depressant, but mostly I'm happy and content and able to manage my life satisfactorily.

OCD can cause depression as it lowers the seratonin (sp) levels. Plus, it's so frustrating. I'm a counter. I count things. I'm doing much better on meds and with therapy. I have triggers, the biggest one is online games. If I play solitaire, etc. for too long, I will be counting cards in my dreams. So, I've stayed away from any games.

I'm very comfortable in my marriage and he's my best friend. Maybe we've gone to another level and if that's true, I'm happy with it. I love feeling his body next to mine.

I get off work at 2:30 am, arrive at home 3:15, play video games until 4-5am. I play all the demos which are an hour each. I have to finish them and win...just another of my quirks.

di
I'm very comfortable in my marriage and he's my best friend. Maybe we've gone to another level and if that's true, I'm happy with it. I love feeling his body next to mine. di quote

maybee you have love, if you love him and vice versa and he loves you, their no abuse, theirs love and affection then your one or a couple of very luckie people. maybee it is the next level who know.

wise women thats discovered certine things make symptoms worse, then stayes to heck away from them!....its great your empowering yourself and doing stuff in a positive way to help yourself out....keep it up

hopefullie things will calm down again when the house move is over and your settled in your new place

celtic

If I played the games NL plays, I would probably be a raving maniac at night, in my sleep.

I'm making myself calm down. What happens--happens and when it's supposed to. It could be 15 more days before this flat deal is closed. I've emotionally detached from the flat we're now living in since I know we'll be leaving it. It's difficult to make myself clean it. Strange.

Still haven't had the time to go to the new Gyn. I'm late with my mammogram, so anyone in that practice is going to lecture me. Will make that appointment today, March 1 and also start my spring diet.

Easy, I put on 15 lbs. this winter - weight that also affects my ability to enjoy intimacy. So, I start walking, today.

I'm glad I've found a place to discuss my later in life marriage issues.

Emily in Maryland, where the temps are going up!

i am glade you found the place for this spacific discussing and also for the many more good in you will have in the futer, emjay nice to have you aboard.

Now ladie i talking to you sternlie heer (joking) but do get that appointment made i know it aint plesent but important...

I turned into a wee well big pudding over winter, my figure is seasional ya know lol.....i losing it which is good but why now and not at the start of the mounth when it was more needed.. ...(i got married then emjay) typical that now i lost a trouser size hmmmmmm
celtic

OCD does suck! It's exhausting. But, my therapist has really helped me. He said we will one day be at a point where I will force myself to count. Long process but I'll get there. I have a problem with certain music as well. Tunes will run through my head over and over. Now, when it happens, I start singing them outloud. It has helped so much!

Really? If I pass the sign on I-75 here in FL for Swaunee, FL my mind immediately starts playing the "Way Down On the Swaunee River" song. Certain things during the day will trigger a song with the theme or the same lyrics as the event or circumstance.

And just try getting that sound out of your head..I'll try singing it outloud. The mind is such a complicated piece of machinery.

di
question for you love, is the ocd confined to mental stuff, like your intrusive thoughts and thinking, counting and songs etc. or dose it spill into your behaviour. If thats not too personal

celtic

NL, memorizing scripture? What a great way to change your thoughts. I'm so glad it helped you. I believe it. I know my faith has certainly helped me have more positive thoughts.

As for the intimacy issue, all I'll say is I'm loving my empty nest.

It's only mental, Celtic. No other behaviors like compulsive washing of hands or checking and re-checking locks, lights, etc. For that, I'm thankful.