Thank you everyone. My father and I had a incredible relationship, very close. We laughed all the time and just had a wonderful connection. He was my best freind and that is why I feel such loss. We could talk about anything. When I was younger our relationship was sometimes strained especially in the teen years. But,in the last 18 years we have become very close.

Since my divorce. He has been the man in my life. He was there for me big time helping me through it. We started meeting for coffee every Friday over 10 years ago and did that until he passed away.

Jaw Jaw what you said really hit home. I am not frozen though and have periods of crying that last for a long time. But, I can't go to their apartment. I just can't. My Mom is unhappy about this as I can't visit her. I went twice at her request in the past month and it upsets me too much. She is grieving in a much different way. For her it is a relief as their relationship was very toxic. Mainly because she had deep resentments and would not let go of the past. She nagged my Dad constantly as she had unresolved anger issues with him. Instead of going and getting help with her issues, she chose to make my Dad pay so to speak. She mentioned the other day how she is finally getting a good nights sleep. That he always kept her awake. He had his leg amputated five years ago and does have to get up in the night.

I can understand her situation looking at it from the outside, but when she says stuff like that I just want to scream at her. I am trying to accept her way of grieving. My Dad had a go with the flow attitude, my Mom tends to be bitter and gets stressed out really quickly. I had a wonderful loving relationship with my Dad, she did not. I find this quite sad but only they know what went on in their marriage and it is not for me to know.

Also she has been through this many times. With her parents, a couple of her brothers (in the war) and other close people in her life. This is my first experience with losing a loved one in my adult life (lost my grandparents as a teen)
This is also the most devastating experience for me. I love my Mom but she is a prickly person. She holds on to the past and then brings it up constantly. My Dad was a real calm person and easy to talk to. If we disagreed with each other we would laugh about it and agree to disagree. My Mom gets all huffy if you disagree with her because she always has to be right.

My brother who is a pastor, sent me a pamphlet on losing a loved one and it was very good. The only part I can't get through at this point is it says you have to say good bye. I can't do that, just can't. For me my Dad is still alive. I can't accept that he is gone. I know that is why I can't go to their apartment. It makes it real and I don't want it to be real. In my mind I know that he is gone, but I don't want to accept it at this point.

I have some work to do. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know that in time it will get easier. I was starting to think that there is something wrong with me but it really only has been a little over a month. I need to be patient.
Kate