I totally "get" about you not being able to say good-bye. Crying and grieving was the final good-bye in my eyes and I couldn't take that step. It meant I accepted in my heart and soul AND in my brain, (logically) that he was gone. I couldn't take that step. But eventually, I did. I too thought there was something wrong with ME because everyone else was grieving openingly, and I wasn't...the daughter who was closest to him in many ways, wasn't crying. I felt like in a way I was betraying his death by not mourning.

In reality, I was holding on to him the only way I knew how to do it. Subconsciously.

IT IS ALL OKAY. Whatever you do, however you do it. It is all okay. When my 98-year old grandmother died, one of my sisters said to me as I cried, "Try to cry silently." I told her point blank....Don't EVER tell me how to grieve. She never has since then.

There are no standards for grieving. Only your hearts.

And you make my heart sing when I read about your understanding and compassion for your Mother. She has her own life to live, make amends for and to, and things day in and day out she has to deal with. We cannot judge her any more than we would a total stranger who was married to a man and he died. We weren't there, didn't live it, so how could we know?

Your feelings toward her are so genuine and heartFULL. I love that. You are a very wise woman.