Kate, I wasn't sure whether or not to share my own experience, but after what happened today I almost cannot. I'll try to keep it short so won't go into all the history. Suffice to say that my lifelong relationship with my Mom was fraught with prickles and frustration. It was only after years of therapy that I was able to co-exist with her and not see her as my mortal enemy. After Dad died, my brother, husband and I became her caregivers and spent a great deal of time with her. Things were a little better, but only when someone else was in the room with us. If we were alone, she knew exactly what buttons to push and didn't hesitate to provoke me into yet another bitter exchange, despite my best attempts to "not go there".

Then she died. Six years ago. Kate, I cannot tell you how much of my pain over the past few years has come from regret, because it's only in hindsight that I've been able to look past all the glaring hurting and bitter pricklies and see all the WONDERFUL things my Mom DID do for/with me. Today the flashbacks were coming fast and furious - birthday trips, just-because gifts, countless sacrifices she made for me - it was overwhelmingly wonderful, sad, bewildering and painful to realize just how blinded I had been by my fear/resentment of her to be able to see all the good things about her and the wonderful things we did manage to do together throughout our lifetime.

I wept for a long time today, so saddened by so much time wasted in anger and prickly co-existence - I know I can't go back and change anything, but if I could, I would nudge myself past all of those prickly bushes and button-pushing provocations and just HUG HER and tell her I love her, and do everything in my power to befriend her.

I know, oh how I know, how impossible it seemed when she was still alive - and even her death does not minimize all of the hurt and irreparable damage that she really did inflict throughout my life - but I would still make an effort to move myself past that and see the good stuff too and try to love her as much as she would allow me to.

It's not easy, and don't set yourself up for more injury if that's what will happen, but it might end up being as much for your inner health and well-being to try and move beyond your past and love her while she's still alive to love. I don't know if my Mom would have allowed our relationship to change even if I could have gone in with the insight that I have now, but I know now that it would be better for ME if I had at least tried.

My heart and prayers continue to be with you day and night.