MA, since most of the things around me (furniture, knick-knacks, photos on the walls, even some clothes) came from either Mom and/or Gary, it's impossible not to think of them constantly. Even this computer (including its beautiful 20" monitor) was a gift from Gary his last Christmas with us.

I'm only just starting to be able to ENJOY memories of Mom, and have tried focusing on the good, fun memories of Gary; but it's still too soon. My inner eye keeps refocusing on his last days, I can't get those pictures out of my head.

There are days when the agony of absence is not as overwhelming, in fact, more days are becoming "even", if you know what I mean - no roller-coasting. But conversely, I'm still not able to experience much joy either, though I surround myself with music, books, inspiration and outings that SHOULD bring enjoyment. Doesn't work too well, yet, but at least the will to laugh is there, so hopefully it won't be too long before the laughter follows the will!

I look forward to the time when "walking around my childhood home and days" brings more smiles and enjoyment than tearful reminders of all that's been lost too soon. Right now, everything good also carries a pang of anguish, not just for what's been lost, but for what wasn't asked, said or done at the time. Like you, I never thought to ask any of my loved ones too much about their lives...the loss of those opportunities and answers also weighs heavy sometimes, though I really am trying to focus only on the positive and good now.