Thanks for allowing me to vent. I have been quite negative, I realize that but I'm working through something. This grief thing is a process and it is often not pretty. Unresolved issues from the past come up and unfortunately for me, the issues are with my Mom. Still, I want to go alone on my trip, that has not changed.

What I need to work on and I did that today, is why I allow my Mom to push my buttons and I think I figured out why.

When she makes rude or negative comments or hurts my feelings, I grind my teeth, but don't say anything to her. This in turn makes me angry at her. I should see it another way and I am now. Instead of getting angry at her, I should tell her how I feel. Not in a nasty way, but in an honest way. She will make a big scene as she does not like to be challenged, but then that will be her choice.

My frustration and anger towards her is the problem. It's a problem because instead of standing up for myself I back down and then feel resentful.

All my life my Mom has been a bit of a bully. She says the meanest things and I have taken it. She isn't all bad of course, but she is childish and has often been jealous of me especially in my youth. She would critisize me instead of building me up. Over the years she has said some very hurtful things for no reason other than her insecurity.

Everyone in my family including some of my parents friends have let her get away with basically getting her way. To keep the peace my Dad and I would just take what she threw at us. Peace came at a big price though.

So, now I am going to try really hard to stand up to her. I will be firm and kind, but I will tell it like it is. eg. Boyfriend situation. Because my current boyfriend is part black she has said to me that she never wants to hear his name, she never wants to meet him and he is never welcome, ever in her house. In the past I have never mentioned him in conversation. But I think I may bring him up from now on when it is relevant to the conversation. Eg. If we are going somewhere or if he is coming out to visit. He lives 5 hours away. I don't think I should act like he doesn't exist just because she has decided that she doesn't want to hear about him.

I hope this isn't too long but I wanted to explain that there is a reason why I have been struggling with the decision to go on my trip alone. I think I need to make this journey so I can move forward.
Kate