Hi Lady Jane,
The military experience has an effect upon men that is kind of universal. My husband is full career government and part of that was Navy, (the rest was Coast Guard, DEA and Border Patrol.) They have a way of "puffing up," in any situation that makes them afraid and "bellying up," with huffs and puffs. This is how they will be without treatment to get them used to the "outside world." The first thing my husband had was therapy, which he has now monthly, to get him ready to be a civilian and to know that those behavours are NOT alright in the real world.What kept them alive in the military will kill their lives in the civilian world.

(Firefighters have the same sort of mentality as you know, a separate life from home half the time.)

I know you know what I am talking about, the behavour. It's wrong to put anyone they are close to through that posturing and expect them to "front and center," everytime he calls you. His house cannot be "spit shined," and his family are not his "subordinates!" Still, they can feel this way because it is all they know if they enlist as young people and stay in the military for all those years. Unless they try, they cannot make the switch very well.

I know you understand this.

A military wife is supposed to support her husband no matter what while he serves his country. In the navy, it is said, "Your wife wasn't issued in your sea bag," meaning, "forget her," on with your mission." It is a hard life for a woman because she is expected to come SECOND to his job, which is working for the Commander in Cheif, the President. This is how they live while active duty!

Wellllllll, NO WAY does this fly or promote a great marrige when it's all over! A man has to understand this and make the adjustments. If he has all those years of service, he needs to be "deprogramed!"

Be proud of his service but be damned if you are going to bow down!

These are just thoughts for you, Lady Jane. I can imagine what you might feel in a few ways.

Men CAN unlearn this stuff. It takes some hard lessons but it can be done.

I told my husband, "Therapy at retirement or no marriage." This helped us very much and I meant it. He needed to be "deprogramed," and it was hard for him. This may be the case for your situation.

I will write to you so long as you write here on the board or I will email you or you can PM me. I don't mind talking to you about your life. I'm happy you are talking and speaking out.

I've more to say and maybe I will next time you post...

With warm regards,
dancer9