I was not a marshmellow when it came to tough love and my own sons. My older son was pretty much always responsible, but his little brother, now 31, had to find out about tough love when he was 15. I think I've told this before but when he was 15 he was headed downward in a tailspin and I felt I was losing him. I was a divorced mom raising him alone and it was better than most but yet difficult. John was lying, skipping school, flunking and starting to be mouthy, which I never put up with. One day I'd had enough and made HIM pack up his entire room in boxes (except for his bed, clothes and school books). All the pictures and baseball things came off his walls. Those boxes sat outside his room in the hall so he could see that his life was closed until he straightened up. He didn't go anywhere but school and with me. NO phone calls, NO TV and no life unless I said he could. He had to sit in his room and think about the consequences of lying and skipping school and disrespecting his Mother. It was heartwrenching and I cried at night wondering if I was doing the right thing...I refused to cave and after the various phases John went through in the process...being cool and cocky at first, then angry and letting me know how much he hated me, then crying for sympathy and then finally when those manipulations didn't work...facing his destructive attitude and correcting it. MY kids were taught (or made) to face their problems and deal with them. My husband, Larry, will be the first to tell you that he tried to help his son, LW growing up but all the efforts he made were undone by LW's Mom...and that's became apparent when she moved in with LW after their divorce and only stopped living with him a year and a half ago...So for and for at least six years she showed him that going in debt, not paying his bills and finally losing everything through bankruptcy is the way to live. Yet, LW will tell you he knows he should change but he doesn't...and that after reaching 25 year of age he has nothing to show for it.
I guess I'm just a hard ass when it comes to standing up and being responsible. I had to do it as a divorced woman with two children and I never let myself lose such financial control that I lost everything and to answer your question JJ at 25 I was married with a little boy and pregnant with my 2nd and serving my country in the military.
Bottom line is LW is lazy and doesn't care and when this is all done he's going to expect us to support his butt because he's not doing what he needs to do now.
I would never have tolerated that from my own sons.
I raised my boys to be men and LW's Mother raised him to be irresponsible. Not a thing his dad has told him, nor bankruptcy nor the Navy has changed him, and I think he's going to have to possibly sleep in his car before he wakes up and straightens himself out. Actually, he would not sleep in his car...his Mother would take him in and that's probably what's going to happen.
We agree with you JJ...we do not wish to be enablers for a MAN who refuses to grow up. This is what's called tough love...I know...I had to do it with my son and in the end it paid off and he has often and gladly thanked me for loving him enough to make him face his problem. LW is still blaming his Mother for his spending habits despite the fact that now he's drawing his own military pay check and blowing it on a truck that is worse off than when he bought it. He knows he has bankruptcy payments that start up again after June...but, again, what's he doing to save his money? Nothing. His choice. He needs rent money in 4 months. What's he doing to save for it? Nothing. His choice. He's making choices that are going to affect him and he doesn't care.
I know this sounds tough...and it is...but, that's what we feel we need to do at this point. I hate this...Larry hates this...but, how else is LW going to change if he isn't forced to deal with where he's put himself?