Bonnierose,
I learned a few things in my miles of therapy. One was how men think! You said that your husband has the habit of blaming you for things that go on. I had a husband like that and it drove me nuts so I took it to my shrink!

He told me that men are raised not to take the blame. He explained to me things like sports. Take team sports. If a boy strikes out and looses the game, the first thing his father tells him is that he didn't loose the game for the team. He tells him that if little Johnny, (for example,) had not struck out in the inning before, then his strike out would not have lost the game! He may tell him that the umpire was calling strikes when they were balls. He will be told anything but, "yes your strike out lost the game for your team!" They LEARN that nothing is their fault this way, you see?

In other areas they are then not to blame in their minds. If they get a D on a paper, they say the teacher is hard to understand and their father will most likely not tell them "you are not trying and you need a tutor," he will probably tell him that that may be so but he needs to try to pick up the grade anyway! If a boy beats them up, their parents tell him that he's tough and the boy got the best of him because he didn't see it coming! He NEVER is told "you are a whimp, and you lost the fight because he is a better fighter than you!"
We, as women are told that we are to blame. If we get in a fight with little susie, we are asked, "what did you do to make her mad?" "You should make up with Susie," or "You know that fighting is not for little girls, you go make up with Susie and say you are sorry!" If we are learning to cook, and the cookies burn, we are told we blew it! We are told that we did not check the cookies enough, or that we set the oven too high, or anything that makes it our fault. But we are not told, like a little boy would be told, "the oven does not work very well, it's not your fault!" You see? A boy is trained that he is a "winner," no matter what to give him confidence, they THINK will help him in the competitive world of little grown up boys. WE are schooled that we must MAKE little Johnny feel better because we have to be "kind," "understanding," and to "care," for our baby dolls!

It is society that sets men up to blaming anyone but themselves for their failures or faults! The hold someone else responsible for their feelings but we take the blame for our feelings!

They say, "Well, you made me feel like a loser so I lost it!"

We say, "I feel like a loser!" "Am I a loser?"

It's all backwards and it's all ingrained. All we can do is try to reverse it by behavior. We have to stop taking the blame and put it squarely where it belongs! We have to stop taking responsibility for other people's feelings! We do not MAKE anyone feel any certain way! We are NOT responsible for how they feel at all! We don't have to make them feel better anymore than we do our little "dolls," when we were little girls!

it's a bad time, huh?

I thought I'd share that and tell you what I learned. I hope it helps!

One more thing: Johnny is taught to STEAL second base,...what does THAT really teach Johnny?

dancer9