It's so nice to have this forum to come too -- I've missed all of you wonderful ladies

I couldn't share that with my hubby -- it has taken him sooooo long to come out of the dark that I'm careful not to bring up anything that will take him right back there --

but it was sooooo unlike me to have that kind of reaction -- I just had to get it out of me right away before it ate a hole in my soul !!!!

A part of me always wonders why I never went back outside that night -- I walked outside to the carport one time after all the police and everyone was there - and saw they had covered him up -- and I just turned back and walked in the house -- that wasn't my son laying out there -- I had lost my child a long time ago to the evil of schizophrenic voices -- and that was what was laying out there under that sheet -- evil -- and I was glad it was gone -- what a horrible thing for a mother to feel but all I could feel was relief -- relief that my baby was free of the anquish and fear and torment and I knew that he would never suffer again -- I hadn't been able to protect him -- but now that he had found his way home -- he would never be harmed again

but when I held that ponytail in my hand and felt the softness and LIFE still left in it -- it took me right to the moment I put it in that envelope ---- to him standing in front of me with that sweet grin -- and i felt the loss of my SON -- for that split second it was like someone had hit me in the gut with a baseball bat and it all came back to me -- except this time i WASN'T relieved -- I was devistated -- I wanted to drop to my knees and scream NOOOOOO ---- and I couldn't let it show without taking my hubby down with me

so again -- Thank you ladies for being here and letting me vent