I have lost my mother and my husband in the past six years and both losses bear heavily on me. I have had to move in with my father because he is battling esophogeal cancer. When we were moving from my home to his, I ran across so much stuff that belonged to my husband and each item brought back a flood of memories. As I am settling things here at this house, making one home from two, I am organizing things that belonged to my husband and my mother. Last night, however, I experienced a new thing...I am already starting to "mourn" my father...who is still here and fighting his disease. Anyway, Mom always bought Dad Paul Sebastian after-shave and she always wore Estee Lauder Youth Dew. Dad wore his after-shave when he was going out somewhere nice, but not all the time. Since he has this darned j-tube amd after his surgery and chemo/radiation therapy, he thinks he has an "odor" all the time and has started to wear the after-shave more. He was out of the house with my uncle for the day on Saturday and I was doing some consolidating of things and had to go into his closet. I was hit with a wave of Paul Sebastian and Estee Lauder in the face... a very pleasant smell, but boy did it hit me in the gut. I grabbed the clothing and inhaled, thinking about how much I miss Mom already and what I will ever do without Dad. I am living here in their house again, just as when I was a child and young woman. I have always been close to them both, but now I am his caregiver and I watching him lose his identity as my strong-willed, independent father. He is becoming ever more dependent, depressed and physically weak. I remembered my mother and how I miss her daily, still trying to call her when things happened to me until I moved here and am faced daily with the fact that she is not in this house any longer physically. I have my husbands' ashes here in a wooden box and I find myself opening it and touching the artifacts that could not be cremated with him (The funeral home placed them in the container with the ashes for us.) and remembering, remembering, remembering. Life is so unfair....I would have never imagined that I would be a widow at 51 and lose my mother even before that, never have children in my lifetime and now am facing losing my father so soon. (I know this is a pity-party post, and I apologize. Yesterday was my 56th birthday and I am just a bit down, but not out, I promise.)

Anyway, I was writing this in response to the post about Rob's hair. One of the things I found while catagorizing what was staying and what was going was a container with Tim's first lock of baby hair, a diaper pin, his hospital bracelet and a Saint Christophers' medal in it. I have put them in the cremation box with the other things and his ashes. Those things are over 50 years old yet still smelled and felt like they were from today. I am amazed at the fact that I had not known they were even ever there. I think my MIL (She died several years before my mother.) sent them to me to make my move and my life a little brighter.

I am not a maudlin person and I do believe in life after this one. I know in my heart Mom and Tim are in that other plane with all the others we have lost, and that they will welcome Dad there when it is his time. It just doesn't make it any easier to bear in my life. I miss them both greatly, and as I said above, am already missing Dad, even though he is still here. What a conundrum.....

Micki