my last post about Rob was August 30th

and here i am again -- needing to vent -- sometimes i wish i didn't love the holidays so much -- then i wouldn't dread them so much

and once again i say -- no reply necessary -- i just have no where else to go ---------------

my husband is soooo sad -- his glass is not only half empty -- it's just plain empty right now

i'm usually so patient with him -- but today i lit into him like a raving maniac --- and i realized that i needed to let off a little steam before Christmas comes or it's not going to be pleasant -- my sister is coming for a visit and i know with her personality and raging menopausal hormones and staying with my mom and dad -- it's going to be like walking a tight rope "keeping the peace" -- soooooooooo before all hell breaks loose ---- i need to let this out !!!!!!

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I WANT MY SON BACK

can't be more blunt than that

i dont want to be rational
i dont want to put things in perspective
i dont want to "go with the flow"

i want to SCREAM
i want to THROW SOMETHING
i want to HIT SOMEONE

I WANT ROBERT BRUCE BACK ---------------

he was the only one who truly knew me
and loved me anyway

he was the one person i could fall apart around
and not feel guilty

i gave him that friggin disease (it came thru my bloodline) and i can't get past it sometimes

i should have protected him ---- I WAS HIS MOTHER DAMN IT !!!!
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i should have protected him --------------------
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i should have protected him --------------------
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oh Lord -- i needed this cry -----

i'm better now ------ stronger -------

and ready to take on the world again -------