I agree, that sense of loyalty DOES seem to play a part in extending the grief. I was like that with Dad. I'd feel so guilty after realizing that it had been days (then weeks) since I had last thought of him. But then one day I realized it had to be that way or I'd never heal and never get myself back out of that hellhole.

My grief with Mom is entirely different. It's full of regret and conflict between loyalty to her as the wonderful, generous woman that she was, and the need to know the truth of our relationship. There was serious damage done, but I don't want to face it because it seems disloyal to her. I want to "let those sleeping dogs lie" and just move on because I don't want to sully her memory in any way. And yet, it's like a toothache that your tongue can't keep away from. I want the truth, but not at the expense of damaging my Mom's reputation. But more than anything, I want it not to matter so much so I can just move on.

[ July 20, 2005, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]