Josie,

The hole in your heart must be enormous. I feel your ache, your sorrow. I know of it’s depths. I know of its despair. Each day, do you feel that you can hardly get out of bed? Do you feel that the house is sitting on your chest, and you can hardly breathe? Do you feel that it’s impossible to get through the day? Do you feel like nothing will ever be all right again? I’ve experienced all those things. It seemed I would never get passed them. It took me a long time, because even though I had tried to heal from my losses, each one as it came along, still the effects were cumulative.

So, after my sweetheart Gary died, I again asked God, what more do you want me to do? How can I do this? I had no strength left, and even though I know God is always with us, that we are all part of the whole, still God did not have skin I could touch. I knew despair deeper than I ever thought possible. So I walked - a lot. I’d walk until I was exhausted, then I would turn around and walk home. I did this so I would be tired enough to sleep, so I would be so tired I wouldn’t care if I was miserable.

I examined all my beliefs, as I had each time tragedy hit. But this time I explored areas I had not explored before. I learned of the ways those of other faiths found their paths to God. I read and read. I went to workshops. After a few months I returned to the story I was writing about my brother.

I took one minute, ten minutes, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one minute, ten minutes - at a time. It was so difficult I never thought I’d get through it. Relief didn’t come all at once. I didn’t just pray for peace and have it suddenly show up. It came in little bits. It came as I learned to quiet my mind and stare at nature. It came as I dedicated myself to what I born to do - as I learned more about who I was and additional things I was born to do.

I am okay now, even though I have had other losses since Gary. They all leave a hole, but I am able to reclaim the peace more quickly than before. I am more determined than ever that all the pain I went through will not be for nothing. I use this pain as the stepping stool it was intended to be.

Each person has to find her/his own unique way through the cesspool of pain. There is a path or a series of paths that are right for you. You will find it/them, if you seek and do not give up.

There’s a quote by Paul Harvey that one of my friends paraphrased to me. She couldn’t remember it exactly. It’s taped to the front of my computer so I can see it as I write my stories every day. It goes like this:

“Never, never, never give up, for in the next second things could change in a way that will improve your whole life.”

May the peace of pure Love embrace your heart.

Vi