Good afternoon ladies~ I'm dredging up this thread because I had a long, long email from my niece last night saying that she'd had enough of her marriage and she indicated that she might be fearful of her husband. They're young, started out pregnant, broke, minimal education, crappy job. I think she might be a bit bright, but a bit lazy as well, but fairly sweet. Just as background info, my sister, her mother, has had a horrible temper her whole life and is known for her insane fits of rage. Jessie has had her share of screaming rages but I think only in her young adult life. I have never met her husband Mark so I can't comment too much on him. He doesn't appear to be any kind of go-getter but I have no idea really, but I think he's had a string of menial jobs that don't last for long.

So, here's the deal - she wrote me, told me that her mother and MY mother both told her to grow up and quit including them in her drama and to be a better wife. With that said... I gave her this advice:

"Well.... I have to give this all some thought before I can really think of much to say.
But... I will say this. Of course, you have two choices - to leave or stay, and what each of those choices will encompass.

One) You did make a vow, whether well thought out or not. You were absolutely firm in your decision to get pregnant and marry, bad choice or not, it is what it is.
In that vow, you said "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, etc."
Now, not belaboring that particular issue - where exactly is the faith that you spoke so much about? You either have faith that God can do anything, and change even this, or you don't believe it, in which case, same question - where is your faith and where do you apply that in your life?

Choice two) You leave. Do you have a way of leaving, you said you didn't have a running car? Where exactly will you go? Are you prepared to go to a shelter if necessary, because that could be the next step if you seriously want to get a new start. If you plan to leave, you need to be prepared for the worst, just in case. You can't just plop yourself on someone's doorstep making them responsible for supporting you. If you need a restraining order, you need to go to the court and/or the sheriff's office to get one, and you need to have proof and a real reason that you need protection from him.
You NEED to have a plan. And be prepared to work two jobs, one for child care, one to pay for a room because you're not going to be able to afford anything else at this point. Be prepared to be exhausted until Roslyn goes to kindergarten. And honestly, that would happen whether you stay or go. It's just the nature of the circumstance.
Neither choice will be easy. They both require work, either on your knees praying and seeking guidance, and finding out what in YOUR OWN PERSONAL life needs to change to provide the opportunity for GOD to work in him, and to help yourself mature...

... or you go out, work as hard as you can, going from one job to another and seeing your baby daughter in between, and dig in and just know that if you really, really, really, really, really want a change it can be done. But this kind of change, either way, needs to be done BY you, and ONLY YOU. This is almost a rite of passage because this is where YOU make YOUR decision. Nobody else can take the credit for it, and no one else can take the flak for it either. This is YOUR responsibility and you must take it. In this, you will grow. Do not deny yourself this opportunity to let God work in YOU.

Personally, (for someone who didn't want to say too much) - you know that your uncle (my husband) had substance issues and I had a horrible time dealing with that, but I made my decision and I stayed. And I prayed, and I prayed, and started working on myself and let God deal with him and he did a wonderful job and we no longer have those issues. God sees a true pure heart and he rewards those who diligently seek HIS face. He'll take care of the rest.

So........... whaddya think?

K

Sorry for the truly long post.