I know, these ladies are wise, Di. Plus you and Edelweiss know exactly how I feel. Maybe it is pride, too, but certainly a broken heart. Yes, even though I haven't felt anything for him in a very long time, this cuts deep.

I've calmed down a bit now as I took your advice, Dotsie and went outside to water in the weed killer with my son!


As for your questions, you have given me food for thought.

I don't miss the house as such. I miss the feeling of "home" but I think that's natural living in rented accommodation instead of your own home.

I definitely miss the cat. My daughter is actually moving again and says she should be able to take him. I hope she can, as that will be better for me to visit without having to see my husband for a while.

As for him and "ever after". I believe I miss the "old" him and still wonder why he "left" me. That I find the hardest, I think. Ever after, I'm not sure. I will have to give that more thought. Off the top of my head, I can say this. All I ever wanted was to have a normal family life. I feel as if he took that away from me when his behaviour changed after the children were born. Having said that, I truly believe that our cultural differences played a big part in where we are now. However, I also have to take some of the blame for not standing up to him during his cruel spells. That is something a lot of people have said to me and I have to reluctantly agree. But he didn't treat me right and still thinks he did nothing wrong. There is one more thing I have to be honest about. I don't think he was a good father. I've defended him to my children for a long time over that issue, and it still hurts me dearly that they don't have a good relationship with him, but I think it's time I stopped defending him. That hurt on their behalf will never go away, but I have to let it go. I also think that because we haven't split anything financially yet, I still feel I am in limbo.


One more thing..while I've been writing, I texted my husband to cancel tomorrow night's concert. He asked why I cancelled and I explained I was too emotional right now and wouldn't be able to cope with it. His reply was basically this..Ok, I was going to call tonight but thought it better to give you time, as you seemed pretty upset. My reply, in so many words, was that I reminded him he was going to call me the other night to ask how I was but didn't. But then I added that it was obvious he really didn't give a **** and probably haven't for a long time!

To which I haven't received a reply!

I'm feeling a bit better but will need to say good night for now. I'll be back tomorrow. Thank you all again for talking with me.