Cathi, I can so relate to all that you have written...yes, I've been there, felt the same feelings, and wished the same dark wish. I want to be able to respond better than I will be able to right now, because I'm tired and brain-fogged. But I wanted to acknowledge your post.

My way of coping was first to completely hibernate...I literally shut myself away from everyone and everything. But I was totally burned out, broken and unable to function because of severe fatigue, depression, grief and some physical thing we never did figure out (high white blood count). Anyway, eventually I went on meds and into therapy. I felt like my life was a complete train wreck and that I (self) had been completely enmeshed in the wreckage...I honestly didn't believe that I would be able to extricate myself intact from that utter devastation. It took hard work, determination and complete change of focus for me to find my way out and onto solid ground.

Such a withdrawal isn't possible or feasible for everyone, and it has its own ripple effect. But what I DID learn that might be valuable is that it's absolutely essential to learn how to put up the perimeters, set boundaries and be diligent in not allowing ANYONE to break through those boundaries without your express permission. You can't change them (other people), you can only change yourself, and it's entirely up to you to establish and then enforce those boundaries. YOU GET TO DECIDE how much abuse you're going to take. Warn people...and then walk away when they push beyond those boundaries.

You might be afraid to do that, to enforce boundaries on the people you love...but the alternative is far worse...once you're gone, you're gone and there's no chance for a do-over. If the only other choice in your mind is death/escape, then it's time to start rebuilding and changing your life so that it's a life that you WANT TO LIVE! Change everything that isn't working for you. Change the people in it. Change how far they're allowed to step inside your boundaries. Change how you stay - or walk away - from toxic situations. Suicide is one way to change - changing your life and your focus and your boundaries so that it's YOUR LIFE is another way to change.

From someone who has tried both, I can tell you that choosing life was absolutely the right answer for me, and paying any price at all for all the hard work and changes I've made to re-create my life has been worth every heartache and tear shed for the losses along the way. I love my life, I love my newfound self, I love my newfound sense of freedom from all that chained and encumbered and toxified me before.

Others will have other solutions. Other ways of coping. You get to pick and choose what will click, and you get to change direction if one direction doesn't work...you get to take all the rubble that surrounds you and build a new life for yourself. It's worth it...I think the suicide wish is camoflage for a wish for change of scenery, change of perspective, change of lifestyle. Use it as the launching pad for the next phase of your life.

First step in my opinion, is to set those boundaries and stick to them. Hibernate if you need to, go on a retreat, take a trip somewhere to refresh your spirit and mind and perspective. But at the very least, walk away from the toxicity whenever you can...it's your life you're saving when you walk away from the people who would pull you down into the quicksand.

Holding you in prayer...and care...and love.