Eagle no matter what you would do or try to do she will think you wrong. She is using her children to torture you and no one can help. The children suffer, you and hubby suffer as does everyone else who cares for these kids. What would happen if you guys just dropped in, no call, no warning, no nothing. Bring and give the children gifts and at leasat if she tells you to get out you can go or not whatever you want to do. She needs to learn NO ONE gives a crap what she says. Don't play into her insanity, come and go as you please it will make her even more nuts.
Andre needs to go to his sons work near the end of day or lunchtime and have it out with him. Asking him if he is the man of the house or a big fat whipped nothing?
Just my way of dealing with the impossible and I have had good luck with it usually too. Does my DIL love me, hell no, but then she never did before either when I was doing things HER way...
People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Bless you kind heart. HUGS!