I didn't realize Eagle you had contemplated it in the past. Seems like there was another BWS member who also was in a similar depressive state and also survived.

As for your comments on a different thread about your need and peace to be left alone rather than making the effort to contact friends, I understand how it feels.

Only 2 face to face friends know at this time and both have lost significant family members due to health condition or suicide. I just simply find it easier to hang out with people who have known me face to face for many years so I don't have to spend so much energy explaining about myself, family background.... I know that they may not give me the objectivity I need to deal with this right now. But what I need most at this time, is a comforting presence that makes no/little demands on me ...simply because such folks know me and various family members well enough.

I am also trying to conserve mental energy because I'm now living in different city, going to start to a new job. I've requested and granted an additional 2 weeks before the original start date. So glad I asked for it.

So several major life change shocks occurring simultaneously. My family also is turning their attention for practical reasons of helping my father to the next phase of his cancer...

So grief hopefully will get expressed in manageable ways that isn't shoved too deep under the rug for some of us in the family. I don't know. We'll see.