Someone once told me that the relationships between mothers & daughters are the most complicated relationships in the world.

The relationship between my mom and me has never been "warm & fuzzy". We never did things together. When I was a kid she went back to work when I was in 3rd grade. I remember being given my own house key so I could let myself in after school. My older brother and the woman in the apartment downstairs kept an eye on me til my parents got home from work. I don't remember a lot of hugs or "I love you's".

My mom is 90 years old now. She's been living in assisted living for several years. I visit every other week or so now. I do it more out of obligation than anything else. I always bring her things she likes (books, the candy she likes, flowers to brighten up her room, I do her nails so because I think the human contact is important (she has dementia and other health issues). It gives me something to do while I am there. She still knows who I am, but never has much to say, although she'll listen to me ramble on and seems interested when I tell her news about family and whatever. Since I got my Iphone I show her pictures on it but she really doesn't know who anybody is anymore.

My attitude really changed towards her after she moved from her own apartment to the first assisted living place she lived in. As her problems have gotten worse we've had to find places that provide more and more care -- and each time she gets a slightly smaller room, she's basically down to a bed, nightstand, dresser, and recliner now. It's like with each move her world grows smaller and we get rid of more stuff til I think one of these days she'll be down to nothing and will just disappear. But when she moved out of her own apartment to the first place, at first when I would drive her to appointments or whatever she was willing to at least go out for lunch and once in a while I could talk her into shopping for some new clothes for her but not often. Mostly she wanted me to be a taxi. She didn't even want me to come into the building to get her........she'd meet me at the door, and expect me to just drop her off afterwards. I'm in awe of my friends who have daughters that the spend time with.........shopping, getting manicures together, doing fun things. My mother was NEVER that way. My friends will be out with me and see something cute and buy it for their daughters. Not my mom, ever. I'm talking about when she was younger. She was never affectionate or demonstrative about her feelings. I have friends who are SO CLOSE to their daughters, talk to them every day, do all kinds of stuff together, and sometimes I wonder what it's like to have a mom like that. I never did. I realize now as I've gotten older that of course money was an issue -- my mom had to work -- but you can be a warm,loving mom without money, and my mom just wasn't that way. And my dad was pretty demanding so most of her attention was focused on him. He was the more outgoing person that my mom never was.

This topic caught my eye because just this week Mom was taken to the hospital where she spent a few days -- several issues, gall bladder, pancreas, urinary tract infection -- they released her from the hospital yesterday to a nursing home. Supposedly this is temporary -- she's not strong enough to go back to where she was living but not sick enough to be in the hospital any longer. I don't really know if she'll ever get out of this nursing home. In the hospital she refused to take oral meds and they put her on an IV and she managed to rip it out 3 times and almost got her catheter out before they caught her. She tells me constantly -- and has for years now -- that she is ready to die, has lived too long, etc.

I will still continue to vist as long as she's within driving distance but I do it more out of obligation and because I feel guilty if I don't but she does absolutely nothing to make anyone want to come and visit her. When she moved into the most recent assisted living -- at that point the dementia was the major issue -- I started by visiting every week. Then I cut it down to every week because that one day a week was becoming such a chore. It's not a good feeling when you have to steele yourself to go visit your own mother but that's pretty much where I'm at.

I don't really know what I feel at the moment. I'd like to think she lights up a little bit when I come into the room, but I don't know if she does really or I'm imagining it, and it doesn't last but a minute. I know, given her age, and the medical issues, she probably won't be with us much longer. Sometimes I think I continue to visit and do what I can for her because I'm going to have to live with myself after she's gone and I will need to know I did what I could. Her quality of life is nothing right now and sometimes I think it will be a blessing when it's over. She has no relationships with her grandchildren or great-grandkids, nobody but me, my brother, and sister-in-law ever go to see her and I know they do it for the same reasons I do..........because they feel obligated to do so, but not because they want to.

So be glad if you have a close relationship with your mom. Because not everybody has that. I used to worry that one day that phone call would come to tell me that she's gone and now there are days that I think I wish it would, as horrible as that sounds. She's spent years now not interested in participating in anything, her life is no life. I love her because she's my mom, and I will cry when she's gone, but at this point, there will be relief too, and sometimes I feel guilty for thinking that way.