Ann, I can relate to so much of what you've shared here. I don't have the energy today to go into any of the "why"s, just know that I "get" it, all of it. My Mom passed away in 2001, and I went through a lot of dark crap afterward. It was a long journey, and took quite a bit of therapy and soul-searching and "rewiring of my attic", but I'm finally (at 57 years old) at peace with my Mom. I seem to have gained a lot of understanding of who she was as her own person, not just my Mother...and I somehow moved into a place where I felt more compassion and kindredness with her than anger and hurt. I like that difference, the other (hurt and anger) were so tiring and burdensome.

Your kindness to your Mom, even if being done out of obligation, will come back to you much later after she's gone and you WILL be glad you spent that time with her. I wish with all my heart that I could have known my Mom NOW, after I've been through all this healing, I think we would be better friends. But it was pretty much impossible while she was alive, though she was much more affectionate and loving than yours appears to be with you. Still, I was too damaged to recognize and appreciate it at the time, so was never able to move past old fears and mistrust of her to be closer to her in those later years.

Now I miss her terribly, but I think it's because of the understanding and compassion that have evolved out of all of this time and therapy and healing. Like I said, I would love to be able to spend time with her as the "wiser" woman I am now.

I think that sense of relief (and guilt over feeling it) is fairly normal. Be kind to yourself in all of this...