Wow! What a hugely important topic Chatty started a year ago! And Crosstitch, I have so much empathy and respect for you in the efforts you are making to care for our mother under your extremely trying circumstances.

I can empathize a bit, because based on your story, I believe my mother's mother was very much a woman like your mother. And I know what pain my mother went through as a child, a young woman - and as an adult.

Eventually my mother sought out counseling - which I think she needed to do to save her sanity.

The toughest thing for her was that the psychic pain my grandmother inflicted on my mother did not end when she died. (How could it? She still heard the hateful things her mother had said to her in her head.)

And some of the things still haunt her today, at 82. These were things like my grandmother telling my mother that because of the "unforgivable" thing that my mother did when she was 20 (accidentally getting pregnant with me, to be specific) she didn't deserve to have a nice house, nice clothes or a loving family.

However, after decades of counseling, I think my mother has finally learned to "turn off" the nagging voice of her mother that still exists in her head.

So I applaud you, Crossstitch, for continuing to visit your mother, as you are doing the honorable and noble thing.

But I hope you are also finding time to nurture and love yourself, and feel good about what you are doing. And I hope your family is supporting your efforts.

Eagle Heart and Mountain Ash are so correct in all the advice they gave you. And I second it.

And I also add that you should not feel guilty for your feelings.

Finally, it sounds to me like your mother wishes she were dead. But her body is not complying. I have this same situation going on with my former mother-in-law. And it also happened with my step-father's father, who thankfully, has now died.

It's a horrid situation, and one for which - given our current laws and morality - there is no winning. For now, we'll just have to agree that this is a very complex topic which we'll have to save for anther discussion.