Ugh -- I'm afraid I wasn't too far off with my "can of worms" reference and it really wasn't my intention to upset anyone.

Chatty, you're right in that men cheating, looking at porn, calling 1-900 phone lines and so on is not always the women's fault. There are men out there who get off on the fact that they can sneak around on their wives and loved ones and not get caught. And there are women who accept it. I'm still reeling from my friend's cheerful acceptance of her "open marriage."

But I want to be real careful here to avoid the "all men are scum" label. I think if a typically faithful guy suddenly feels he needs a different outlet than his wife to gain sexual fulfillment, there are issues that need to be addressed in the entire relationship. Maybe she's unavailable both physically or emotionally. Maybe, as suziq suggests, she's expecting to much from him and he's starting to resent it.

This doesn't excuse the behavior, not by a long shot. I'm right now on the "hurting" end of a spouse who has used porn to avoid issues. This is not something that can be addressed simply by shutting off the computer, disonnecting the phone and making a lot of accusations. This it the time during which BOTH parties really need to sit down and discuss it, calmly and rationally.

Again, I'm not talking about the guys who regularly sneak around on their spouses or loved ones to strip clubs simply because they hate monogomy or are convinced that they can have their cake and eat it, too. These guys ARE scum and no woman with any self-respect, in my opinion, should tie herself to one.

Now -- I like Norma's idea of planting sweet peas and going on a mental retreat. Here in Texas, it is almost sweetpea-planting season . . .