Lynn,
I've had a few steps and I'm learning more about dealing with them every day. I have a darling step daughter now. She sent me the most wonderful Christmas card about how she loves having me for a friend.
I am more secure now and I have given up on the perfect step relationship. I don't even attempt mothering though I joke about it. And I refuse to enter into any competitive situations.

I think fear is the root cause of resentment between same sex steps. The step mother fears the daughter will disrupt the marriage and the step daughter fears the step mother will absorb all of her father's love. And all of that is complicated by that Freudian sex thing. No one can function in that situation because everyone is so fearful of losing the man thatn they both love. You and your son may later develop a very special relationship that will threaten John. If so, he may experience the same feelings though men often don't express them.

When I have felt hateful anger such as you describe, I have been able to difuse it and sometimes even replace it by facing up to it with humor.
It would take a lot of guts and you would have to get past the fear, but maybe next time the daughter asks to speak to her father, you could say something gutsy like, "Hey, I'm so glad you called. How is it going down there in Fla. or wherever? blah, blah, blah..." (You could probably come up with something better)
I would aim for things that cannot be answered with yes or no to get her talking and preferrably laughing. And every time she calls, just think up more to talk to her about, even tease her about. If she is paying, call her back. If she is sullen, just ask more questions and tease her. Talk as long as you want before putting your husband on the phone or don't put him on at all if you want, but tease her out of it. Hey, it's your phone and you are in control. Take it and use it.

Just some ideas. Humor is our friend. I wish I could use it more--and better.
smile

[ December 28, 2004, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]