I'm going to an AA meeting this afternoon if one meets in town. I think I've been self medicating far too much and when I drink I turn into a totally different person. I would just like to not drink at all. That is a positive step for all three of us, Katie, A, and I.

I went to a salon yesterday after work and got my hair styled and trimmed. (Immediately felt better...) Today I'm getting a manicure and pedicure and letting "wonder man" pay for it.

I told him the night before last that I felt ugly and unattractive. He sat there in silence. I said he could at least say I look pretty or that he thinks I'm attractive. He said you don't look bad for someone whose been going through what you've been going through. I said that was like saying, "You don't sweat much for a fat girl." He sat in silence.

A girlfriend from work and her son and A and I are going to Chuckie Cheese tonight. I have coupons...at least I won't be drinking...

I've been taking A to school and she's been going to the park and to play with other little ones but she doesn't understand why her mommy isn't able to be with her. She told me this morning, "Grammy, you take your bed back home and let my mommy have this bathroom and her bed." That was her way of saying, "I want my mommy not you." I don't want her to think its my fault that mommy isn't here with her, that I'm trying to take mommy's place...I need to consult a child psychologist.

There are a myriad of things I have to do today. Clean house, make calls, organize, but sometime during the day, I want to read my Bible and spend some time with God.

I don't want to lash out at others and take out my frustrations, anger and pain on others. I feel so bad about myself when I do that.

It seems I want Warren's friends to know what a louse I think he is and to agree with me that he is one, but it won't work. Cronies of a feather stick together and the best thing for me to do is find better people to hang out with. They've known him much longer than they've known me, I'm just number 5.

I want to go for a long walk today in nature and breathe and move and soak up the healing sunshine. My heart is broken but that doesn't mean my life which was so graciously given to me by God, has to be also.