Dotsie - I think 5 years is a conservative estimate on a blended family coming to a point of working "function". I think the older the children are the more they struggle with wanting "control" mom/dad, especially if they have had a topsy-turvy live to date and are needing some sort of stability and are afraid any change will just cause "the sky to fall" an the same time the rug is being pulled out from under them.

It gets more difficult with different scenarios. In Dee's case - she is going uphill both ways in a snow storm - as a stepmom. The kid's miss their mom - no matter what age they are - they will never have that relationship and will be tempted for a long time to glamourize what "might have been" with mom. They have had a stepmom from heck (who judging by current ages - came into their lives when they were teenagers - which is a NIGHTMARE situation for a blended family to begin with and what psychologist across the board agree as the WORST time to begin blending a family).

Dee, sounds like you have a good guy - and as long as you two keep back to back in defensive against any outsiders (family included) and "front to front" (face to face) with each other - you will come through just fine.

Stepfamilies hurt like heck. But when the break through comes in small doses or in a flood - it is beautiful. Some times stepfamilies is really like doing a weird two-step...you take two steps forward, and then two more and two more back...till eventually it turns into a beautiful dance of people who can't figure out where biological begins or ends.

Dee - you are being a wonderful stepmom and keep loving...keep forgiving...but don't forget what you believe in and your values - ever. G and M have some growing up to do and growing out of a lot of hurt and dysfunction in their own lives it seems.

It is good that they have you and your husband available to be something stable and steady in such a shaky world. Keep standing your ground - in love and lots of grace.